We’ve been together for 4 years, married about 2. We have a toddler together. Right before we got engaged, I found out he’d been sexting other people (which I considered cheating and he knew that). We almost broke up, but I forgave him. We got engaged and then married.
Then after I had our child I found out he’d been cheating on me with a coworker and lying about where he was. We almost broke up and again I forgave him. He seemed extremely remorseful, started going to counseling (individually and we’ve done couples therapy too) and it seemed like things were getting better.
He has a history of struggling with meaningless sexting and porn addiction. But he said he wanted to change. I told him if he slips up that’s normal but it was very important for him to tell me (and if not me then the therapist) so he could work on it. I promised as long as he was honest we could work through anything. The only thing I could not tolerate was being lied to and since he’d lied so much I needed to build trust in him.
I told him the only ultimatum I would have is lying. Whatever else he did we could work through it but if he lied to me again we would be over.
Today I found out he’s still lying. Still addicted to porn. Been lying for nearly a year now. To my face. Repeatedly.
I’m broken hearted. I’m angry. I’m humiliated and ashamed. I feel stupid for forgiving him before. I told him that’s it and we’re done. We can wait until after the holidays to figure stuff out but we’re married in name only right now.
I’m so angry. I feel like he not only has ruined our child’s life but also mine. I loved him. He was my best friend. I stupidly trusted him. Again and again. And now that relationship feels like it never existed. Like I just wanted to believe I could trust him.
I’ve already been divorced once. Now I’ll be divorced twice by 30, with a child. I feel like I’m going to be alone forever. How can I trust anyone now? And even if I could who would want to date a twice divorced 30 year old single mom? Most men my age are either settled down already or think women’s expiration date is around 25.
I feel hopeless. What should I even do? Take him back again? Try to make it on my own? Am I going to have to be alone forever? Is this my fault for being stupid?
TLDR my soon to be ex is a compulsive liar and cheater and I’m stupid and sad now.
6 comments
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Do not be mad at yourself, you trusted him and wanted things to work out. Now it’s time to take a decision since doing the same again won’t give a different result again.
If you do not enforce this boundary, he will lie to you for the rest of your life.
Considering porn use to be a kind of infidelity is extreme in today’s world.
If that’s your boundary, it’s your boundary and I’m not here to tell you you’re wrong. But I wonder if there was mutual understanding that that was the deal, and whether he understands that you consider this the same level of transgression.
I’m sorry but yes, you knew he was a lying porn addicted cheater and married him anyway. What did you expect to happen? Marrying him anyway was completely irrational and nonsensical.
Keeping it real here, your best bet is to divorce and find a single dad to start a relationship with.
My mom was divorced twice under 30 and a single mom. And she’s been very happy in her new marriage. 30 is barely half way through.