My husband (M29) and I (F29) have been married for a little over 6 months and together for 7 years. We are experiencing our first holidays as husband and wife, and they have been dreadful due to our families disliking each other. My job requires me to work 12-hour shifts (7a-7p), and to work every other weekend and every other holiday, so unfortunately, I’ve missed out on a lot over the last 8 years. My parents have traditionally hosted on Christmas Eve, and since my husband’s family doesn’t hold many traditions, we spend Christmas Day with his family. Usually, if I end up working on Christmas Eve, we will go to my parents’ house after I get off to celebrate. If I end up working Christmas Day, we usually have someone else in his family host and I head over there after work, or we find an alternative day that works for everyone, and my husband and I will celebrate that night together when I get off work. We have often hosted multiple holidays together with both families for years. It hasn’t been a perfect system, but it’s worked as well as it can for our situation.
As I mentioned before, our families DO NOT like each other. This started a year ago when SIL told my husband that she hates my parents and I (among other things, but I won’t get into that right now). My husband and I went NC with her and I ended up being the one to blame for breaking up his family for Christmas last year. Fast forward a year, and this has now escalated to our families not speaking with each other. This is new territory as they have previously had no issues, so it feels as if we are in a lose-lose situation when it comes to navigating this.
Last week, my husband was feeling down over trying to plan Christmas with his family. He told me that the only way he can celebrate Christmas with his family this year is to host at our house, knowing that I can’t be there because I work. I’m really upset that he would host a holiday in our home when I can’t even be there, especially since it’s our first Christmas married. I tell him this and he responds by saying that he is sorry that I have to work, he knows it hurts me and that he understands that I am upset about it because he is too, but that he doesn’t understand why I just can’t be supportive and happy for him that he is going to celebrate Christmas with his family. He said that he wants to give his family a good Christmas this year, and that he wants me to “have a little bit of selflessness” since he has always compromised on things for my happiness in the past. I absolutely want him to celebrate Christmas with his family and asked if another family member can host (as they have done in the past). He said SIL offered to host, but he doesn’t want to go over there because of his allergies to her cats. He told me that his mom and dad/stepmom don’t want to host this year, and then proceeded to give me their reasons. He was absolutely respecting/defending their reasons but was disregarding mine and making me feel like I was in the wrong.
I am crushed that he would even consider hosting a holiday in our home without me, knowing how much it means to me to be able to be present. I am a very sentimental person when it comes to these things, and he is not as sentimental, and has stated in the past that he would be fine if I were to host something in our home and he couldn’t be there. That is where we are different, I guess.
Another reason I am so hurt is because he is inviting his sister. We do not get along and I do not want her in our house. She has said such hateful things towards my family and I, and I do not feel comfortable with her being in our house, even if I am not going to be home. I felt like my husband could understand that seeing how depressed I’ve been since she told him how she felt about me (and with how angry he was with her), but its almost like he’s upset with me that I don’t want her in our house. He is arguing that since this is his house too, he can invite anyone over that he wants to, including his sister. He also says that his sister is a part of his family (which I understand) and he can’t not invite her because his mom and dad would be angry about that and not want to come if his sister cant.
Lastly, I feel like I am left out when his family has plans to do things, even more so since all of the family drama started. There have been times when they make plans to do things and it falls on a day I’m working, and they can’t change the day so that I can make it (“because that day works for everyone”). But then if someone happens to get sick or can no longer attend, they will immediately change the day so that person can make it. Where, for my family, they will absolutely move things around for my husband to be able to attend, and they don’t want to make plans if he has a conflicting schedule.
Since our initial conversation, I was unsure if he was still going to be hosting since he saw just how upset I was over it, and he never confirmed anything. Come to find out, he told me this past Monday that he is going to host his family here for Christmas, and I just don’t know how to react to this. I don’t know if I should just bottle up my feelings and act happy for him, or if I am right to be upset and hurt by this? Please, no hateful comments. I know that this is not painting our marriage in the best light, but he is my best friend and the love of my life. We just happen to be having a big disagreement on a significant event in our lives. He is trying to make it up to me (which I do appreciate) by having his mom, dad, and brother come over to celebrate with me the following day, but it still feels like he is choosing to please his family regardless of how hurt/disrespected I feel. I hate having to post here and feel guilty for doing so, but I don’t know where else to turn to get an un-biased answer/advice.
11 comments
I feel like you’re probably better off posting in a sub where people best understand toxic family dynamics, like in r/justnomil or r/JustNoSO. But regardless you aren’t wrong for feeling this way at all. It sounds like your husband is not choosing to prioritize or respect your feelings. If you were upset that he was going to see his family for Christmas when you had to work, that would be one thing. But he is using your shared home to host someone who has been absolutely hateful and horrible to you and who you are no contact with. It’s just disrespectful.
You’re entitled to your feelings. As is he. I do see he’s doing a lot of trying to ease the hurt and how you feel. He’s still even having you celebrate with his parents and brother and leaving his sister out of that.
Can’t do SIL as host because cat allergies
Parents don’t want to host
He does want to host it seems like in order to spend time with his parents and family. I don’t think he’s defending their reasons.
The alternative? Neither of you celebrate with your respective families and only celebrate together
He’s completely minimized your feelings to prioritize his family of origin instead of you, his family of choice. Has his sister done anything to justify breaking no contact? How have his parents responded to all the drama? Why is he not setting boundaries and sticking to them to protect his wife?
he’s your best friend and love of your life but you don’t want him to host the holidays in his home? I get it it is your home too but I don’t understand? NO CHRISTMAS IN THIS HOUSE IF I CAN’T BE THERE!
Inviting his sister into the house is a non starter.
The rest can be worked out but someone, even family that treats your spouse like crap, should not be a no go.
I understand that the rest of the family probably won’t come if she isn’t invited so the answer is that he can’t host.
I think additional information would be helpful. Why does SIL dislike you and your family? Did something happen between all of you? She was fine with you all for six years… then she just wasn’t for no reason? How do your in-laws feel about her bad-mouthing your family? Do they acknowledge the drama or ignore it?
I think if you can’t celebrate with his family because you work, that stinks, but it is Christmas. He should be able to have his family over even if your job keeps you from being able to stay home. I *would* have an issue with his sister being welcome in your home after her actions though. Again, there’s missing information so it’s hard to say what my feelings would be exactly– but after mad-mouthing you and your family, your husband shouldn’t expect you to be on board with her coming into your home if you aren’t comfortable with it.
He and his entire family needs to understand that this is home belongs to you both.
How would he feel if you decided to have a party in this home with people that hated him? It doesn’t matter if he was there or not.
It feels and sounds like a sucker punch to me. Also, sets a terrible precedence in the family dynamics to forever exclude you on his terms on important family events.
I would be upset if my husband entertained in OUR home a person I’m NC with.
He doesn’t respect your feelings. Period.
You work until 7pm. Would the party be over by then?
If he wants to be with his family, tell him to take antihistamines and go to his SIL. It seems his whole family is not respecting you, and your husband picked their side. Is that how SO should act?
Think hard about your relationship before you have kids.
I would think that you would be happy to miss a holiday celebration with his family because they sound terrible. Count it as a win.
Maybe let them do it this way for a couple years, then they’ll cool off, and you can work your way back in and maybe things will calm down by then.
Also, I’ve learned from toxic family get togethers, to limit the alcohol if possible at the party.
Sometimes in marriage we have to feel that hurt and let it go. You’re both right. You’re right to be upset. A shitty work schedule ruins a lot. It feels disrespectful. It hurts. But he also isn’t wrong. He should be able to host his family. Even if you don’t like his sister. It’s the one day he has to shut his mouth and play nice. He gets to look good for his family too. He feels bad. He knows he’s between a rock and a hard place.
He’s ignoring your feelings and you’re ignoring his. Either way sucks. This isn’t one of those “compromise” situations unfortunately. Either you get your way and he’s hurt or he gets his and you’re hurt. He will be either sitting home alone all day waiting for you or he hosts, and you get to come home and do as you normally would.
Sometimes you have to just feel hurt for a little while and come up with a way he’s able to make it up to you. A nice dinner or special time this weekend or something. Unfortunately you would be TA if you tell him he can’t host his family while you are at work. It sucks – but sometimes it is what it is.
You can still feel that hurt. Don’t push it down. Talk about it when you need to be comforted but don’t constantly bring it up or hold it over his head. Move on from it. He isn’t doing it to hurt you. He’s doing it because he wants his wife to support him through a difficult decision, just like you wanted his support against his sister. Sometimes, shit sucks. You work together to make it sick the least.
So you’re married now and his sister is your sister. You’re going to have to get along if you’re going to be married long term. Why does she hate you? Same with him and your family. They don’t have to be in love with each other but there does have to be a mutual respect or at least a cease fire. Otherwise you may have to spend the holidays with each other and leave out the parents and siblings.
It does stink when someone has to work on the holiday and they miss some or all of the festivities. At the same time it’s nice when you host because then you don’t have to travel anywhere after. You can come straight home and change if you need to. I suggest letting him have the gathering and when you get home take it as your opportunity to extend an olive branch. Kill or win them with kindness. That way when your SIL acts like a bitch everyone will see it as her being rude and a bully. I wish you luck 🍀 because it’s not easy having family drama.