Hi! I’m new to Reddit, so sorry if I make any mistakes.
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I want to ask for advice.
Most of the time, I (F, 22) live with my girlfriend (24) in another town, but twice a month I go back to my family house and stay there for 2-3 days (when it’s Christmas, I’m there for 7-8 days). So, in my family home there is my mom (49), brother (16) and sister (11).
When I come back, my/my sister’s room is an absolute mess – there is trash everywhere, rotten food and stuff like this. When I visit, I clean the room almost every time, but when I come back, the situation is always the same. Actually, whole house is so messy, that it’s just disgusting to take a shower or prep a meal. I try to clean a little bit when I’m there, but sometimes even in the same day it goes back to the way it was and it makes me so angry.I talked about this with my mom, but she gets angry at me and shouts at everyone at home. When it comes to my brother, he is in high school and since I can remember, he spends all day in front of computer and doesn’t leave his room for most part of the day. I also tried talking to him and suggested that it would be beneficial to talk to a therapist, but he doesn’t want to – my mom is not capable of understanding that it is not ok for him to be spending so much time on the computer and that it’s almost impossible to communicate with him. When I ask my brother to clean something he ALWAYS shouts at me, and says that our sister has done little or anything (which is not true), and that he has done one thing, for example washed the dishes and he won’t do anything else. Today I asked him if he doesn’t feel that it is his duty to help clean in house where he lives and also makes mess – he said angrily that he doesn’t feel that way at all and that he doesn’t owe it to anyone. My sister also makes a big mess, but when I ask her, she cleans stuff and she doesn’t vent that it is too much. The problem is – when I leave home, nobody cleans.
My mom just accepts that my siblings don’t do anything and she, except from cooking and working, also doesn’t clean.
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My question is: could you please suggest what can be done in this situation? I hate the constant screaming and feeling awful because it is so messy, that it’s hard to live there. I love all of them and I like spending time with them, but sometimes I am so flooded by anger, that I just want to do my own stuff in my room.
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Tl;dr: when I come back to my family home, everything is a big mess and no one from my family members cleans there at all. It makes me sad and angry that they don’t understand, that the situation is really bad and the house looks and smells disgusting. I want to ask what can be done, because nothing really works.
15 comments
Stop going. When you do go, DO NOT clean anything. Eat out by yourself if needed. If they want you to cook, let them know you’re happy to do that once they clean the kitchen. When they complain, remind them you’re not the maid and just leave. YOU need to break the cycle. They don’t do anything because the know you will.
Why do you stay there? They aren’t going to clean. You can’t make them. Visit and don’t stay there. You can be honest about why. “This house is dirty and I’m uncomfortable staying here. I love you, but I can’t stay with you.”
Are they happy to see you when you’re there? Why do you feel the need to go if it’s so miserable?
If they’re not making any effort for you, why make effort for them?
> twice a month I go back to my family house and stay there for 2-3 days
Why? Since you clearly hate doing it. Don’t.
>what can be done
Nothing. Literally nothing.
>because nothing really works.
Correct.
This will never change. Ever. So either learn to accept it, or don’t stay over.
You can meet them elsewhere, or not at all. If you must visit, don’t overnight there, stay elsewhere or go home.
I get it, kind of.
One of my closest friends lives in a five bedroom house with her parents, her three siblings, her grandmother, and her partner. They have two dogs, four cats, a snake, and two rabbits.
They are hoarders. The only bedroom that can be used, is the grandmother’s room. My friend and her partner sleep in a bunk bed in the basement room. The parents used to sleep in the connected garage, but have moved into the basement den (garage is too full). The three siblings sleep in the upstairs living room – last time I visited, two of them had couches to themselves, the youngest was sleeping on the floor.
The entire house is coated in dust, it smells of urine, and there’s feces in various places.
There was a brief period where I was nearly homeless and she offered for me to live with them – I would rather be homeless and sleep in my car, than live there.
Some people just can’t be helped. Stop visiting. When they ask why you don’t visit; be honest. Don’t make excuses. “I won’t visit you anymore because the house is dirty and I don’t feel comfortable staying with you.”
Period. Guilt and shame are normal feelings to have, so talk to a therapist who will help you set healthy boundaries.
“I love yall, but Ya’ll dirty. I’m going to get a hotel room”
I’d visit the local college and if there are any GLBTA community boards/organizations I’d stop in and post something stating that you want to couch surf occasionally.
Someone may want to make an extra bit of cash and be willing to let you flop for a night or two.
If you had friends in town or friends of friends that would be even better.
Maybe CPS will be a wake up call.
My parents had zero standards for keeping things clean and orderly; I know exactly how you feel. I had to simply stop going there and put effort into my own life. It’s not worth the stress and the emotional toll it takes.
Visit, but stay in a hotel. Offer to take them out to dinner and pay for the whole dinner. but do not go to the house. It’s toxic, physically and emotionally. You will just have to save up to go visit, but you can still visit.
You can either cut down the monthly visits and also shorten the Christmas stays or put up with it but stop doing so much. They more or less expect it when you visit and probably when you lived There, They did as well.If it is this disgusting(I would be skived out myself)Then you decide if it is best to stay back in your own clean home. They will only get worse. Bro too with that computer.
Send your brother to therapy ASAP, guys who spend all day on the computer develop warped views on women, and usually become increls. It is not too late to save your brother.
Why should your brother clean when nobody else does? No wonder he hides in his room, I would as well. Your mother is the problem.
Relatable. Very relatable. I can’t stay at my mom’s house more than a few hours without the messiness triggering bad anxiety. I simply limit my visits for my own sanity, and when my mom passes I’ll just have to clean the place then.
You wrote a lot about your brother and sister’s involvement in cleaning/not cleaning and you obviously do a lot to help but you didn’t say anything about your mom. Your mom is the one that let this snowball. Your mom is the one who doesn’t set a standard for cleanliness. Your mom is the one who is culpable for the state of her home.
If you want things to change it needs to start with mom. Why doesn’t she care if the house is clean? Why has she “given up”? If she’s willing your mom should talk to a therapist. If she doesn’t care about the house being clean then your brother and sister are never going to suddenly decide to care on her behalf.
This isn’t your problem, OP. It’s your mom’s problem. The conversation needs to start with her.