After a long time out of a relationship, about six months ago I started dating a woman who has been absolutely great. She’s moved in with me, is incredibly easy to get along with, so sweet, blah blah etc etc – I’m in love, things are good. Sex is also good, and she has said to me multiple times that she’s satisfied even when she doesn’t finish, but obviously I want to bring her to orgasm.
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In previous relationships, I have always been able to make partners cum with oral (only one or two with penetration). In my current relationship, I can’t do it. She enjoys it, I enjoy it, but usually the way we’ve been doing things is I will go down on her and then, at a certain point, she’ll take over while I do other things down there with my fingers or my mouth while she focuses on the clit and brings herself across the finish line.
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I don’t particularly \*want\* to ask her how things went in her previous relationships, but would that maybe be productive? Like there’s definitely a part of me (that I’m aware that I need to get over) that is very afraid of hearing “yeah, guys made me cum all the time before.” I’ve let her know multiple times that I’m absolutely here for any kind of pointers or tips or requests, but there doesn’t seem to be much left to try. And she doesn’t seem frustrated or dissatisfied, and maybe this sounds horrible of me to not trust her, but I do worry sometimes that she’s just being sweet to me and trying not to hurt my feelings.
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She is on antidepressants, and I know that at least for me, they did make it fairly difficult to orgasm. But she seems to finish herself without too much effort and, just… yeah. Are there any other angles I could approach this from as far as talking with her to make sure I’m giving her everything she wants and needs?
4 comments
Definitely tell her that her pleasure is a priority for you and if there’s anything you can do to help or facilitate it, you’re all ears. It might be that she wants to handle it herself. One thing I did with my ex was cuddle and make out while she used a vibrator and that seemed to be something she really enjoyed. You might suggest that.
Im right there with you dude. I was able to make other partners orgasm but can’t get the formula straight for my current girl. When she’s on the verge of orgasm, I either cum first because she just looks so damm beautiful or she just doesn’t do it. Anyway, we bought a vibrator and used that until she finally was able to squirt. She squirt a lot.
I would say it’s not the fact I can’t make her orgasm in my own that gets me insecure, but the fact that it’s usually my main goal that gets me insecure because it seems as if it’s not longer about the intimacy at that point. I would say toys are your friend in these situations. Don’t be shy to use them… but also don’t forget that it’s all about making love…
No you shouldn’t. It has more to do with her than you. If she is isn’t unsatisfied, just focus on things that make her happy and worry less about making her finish.
People don’t “give” each other orgasms. This is a common misperception (largely, I think, driven by people’s egos, whether they realize it or not).
People *have* orgasms and their partners can help them achieve them but the point here is that the person having the orgasm *has to want to have it*. Without that basic desire, the orgasm isn’t happening. Even so-called “force orgasms” that are a part of certain BDSM play still involve people consenting to the experience; the desire is there.
So the real question here is “does my partner want my help in achieving orgasm?” Are there things I can do that would make it easier/better for them? But in the end, your GF is the person orgasming. Her previous BFs didn’t “give them” to her, like it’s a gift you hand over.
So again, think of it more as “does she want my help? What can I do here?” And all that requires communication. If you’re afraid to talk to someone about sex, odds are, the sex won’t be that good, especially not long term.