I spend about 45 minutes to an hour on foreplay to get my gf aroused. Kissing and sucking all over, dirty talking. It takes so long that my sick goes soft because of how tired I am. Her and I have talked about it and Ive suggested that if she knows she wants sex why doesn’t she start playing with herself time before we get into, she does have toys and masturbates herself. She said she shouldn’t have to do it herself and when I rush her it makes it feel like I’m just using her for sex like a fuck toy.

When I don’t have work taking long for foreplay is not an issue. A lot of this has to do with me working. I work 12 hour shifts 4-6 days a week. When I get home from work I’m a dead body I try to work up enough energy to have sex with her before I have to be up at 5:30 the next morning for work. She said she doesn’t like when I come home fuck and go to sleep as it makes her feel like a quick fuck, so I even proposed that we don’t have sex when I’m that tired we can just cuddle to sleep. Her response to that was she doesn’t want to not have sex. I’ve tried explaining that when I get home at 8 pm I’m tired I want to eat hang out then sleep and I can’t spend 45-hour getting you aroused and another 45 of actual sex it’s too exhausting. What can I do here?

Edit: Okay let me just add very quickly that wetness isn’t the issue. It’s the fact that when she does get wet enough for me to go in she still tells me “no, I’m not ready for you to go in” because if I go in too quickly and she’s not fully turned on it makes her feel like a fucktoy. That’s why she likes to take her time before she actually allows me to penetrate. Attraction is not the issue.

Edit 2: I’m not looking for a quickie like a 10 minute fuck and then I’m out, 30-45 minutes max is good for me. Also she’s been used for sex by guys in the past and that’s why she doesn’t like things to feel rushed.

47 comments

  1. So I get her not wanting to feel pressured and there’s nothing wrong with that, but for her to then say “but I still want to have the kind of sex I want to have despite what’s going on with you.” Is kind of selfish. You offered her an option to appease you both, hey if I’ve had an exhausting day and I’m too tired we just don’t have sex or you try to work yourself up some because I’m already exhausted and it takes a lot out of me. Sounds like a fair outcome to me honestly.

    She sounds a little selfish to not be willing to adjust any because of your schedule and how tired you get. She has to be willing to work with you too, cause it sounds like you’d be open to long foreplay as long as you could stay hard during it. She should try to get you back in the mood once she’s ready maybe with head or a hand job

  2. Is the problem her not being aroused, or specifically her not being wet enough? Have you tried lube?

  3. Use lube, schedule sex

    Taking an hour to be ready for penetration would piss me right off and surely be exhausting

    You don’t sound that compatible imo. I’ve never taken anywhere near that long to be ‘ready’ 5mins tops

  7. My husband is the same. Refuses to have sex any other way than the way he wants it. Yeah foreplay is nice but I work full time and have 2 under 2. I’m tired. Let’s use some lube and get this going. I have literally fallen asleep during sex multiple times even when he’s going down on me it won’t keep me awake. Can’t help but think if he’d done it the way I asked he would have gotten sex those nights. I end up saying no to sex a lot because it has to be this long drawn out process for him that takes forever. It isn’t fair that sex only has to be her way but you also just can’t choose to not have sex. Gotta be compromise somewhere.

  9. Just use some lube, problem solved. You girlfriend is being selfish and not understanding your situation.

  10. I take about the same amount of time to get fully wet, however it doesn’t mean I’m not turned on! Lube saved my life!

  12. To everyone saying use lube. We do use lube every single time. She still complains about the fact that she’s not turned on enough and it doesn’t feel right even if I do use lube. My dick is on the thicker side, I’ve always had to use lube. What bothers me the most is that fact that she acts like she can’t do anything herself.

  13. It might not be the answer you want, but since noone else mentioned it i’ll say it: working 12 hours will ruin your sex and family life, it is completely normal you have no power to have sex and completely normal she is not attracted to a dead body. If you are not ok with that you need to think about a career change.

  14. Sorry for your situation. Perfectly normal how you feel especially after putting in a 12 hour shift. Have you went down on her until she orgasms before entering her? She should be plenty wet at that point. If not, do you use lube? There is nothing wrong with using it if she is not wet enough. The lube on a condom sometimes is not enough. These might be some things to try to lessen the time to get her ready. Spend a little while cuddling afterwards and then tell her you need to get to sleep because of work.

  15. does she drink enough water? if you’re not hydrated enough it can mess with how wet you get, with less water you can get dry.

    you guys might need to schedule sex too

  16. If you were expecting her to get warmed up herself so that you could then do a quickie I can understand her saying that would make her feel used but I’ll assume that you’re just asking her to get started a bit to cut down on the warm-up time. And if you were expecting her to get herself warmed up every time again I can understand how that would make her feel a bit used but again I don’t think that’s what you’re getting at at all. Maybe make sure that she’s absolutely 100% clear that you’re not asking or expecting her to take matters into her own hands every time because honestly I can’t make sense of the idea of her sometimes helping out in that way causing her to feel used. The fact that I can’t make sense out of it doesn’t make her feeling that way any less valid of course but it seems to me that something is being not understood here.

    But her insisting that you guys still have sex exactly her way even when you are so tired is definitely a bit selfish. In fact if the genders were reversed many here would be talking about assault or at the very least manipulation.

  18. Sex shouldn’t feel like a chore. She’s making it a chore for you. She is putting a lot of pressure on you to do something that seems like it’s even difficult for her to do.

    I’m not sure how she’d feel like a fucktoy if you just try to put it in when she’s wet. She sounds controlling and manipulating by keeping you working harder until she feels you’ve worked hard enough. I get how foreplay is important to her, but she needs to participate and make this a mutual thing. Getting you hot sounds like it’s not difficult, but then she should help you along for her. It isn’t because you can’t enjoy it yourself, but it should be just as much fun for her to get herself prepared with you. Also…lube. many people use it even if they can get wet themself. It just makes things more comfortable.

    This is not the time for her to be selfish. The moment this is not fun for one of you, it’s no longer a fun activity to share. Either she needs to step up or you both need to discuss how compatible you are together.

  19. Yeah it sounds like you guys just need to sit down, outside of sex, and you need to express how you feel. It’s totally reasonable for you to say “hey, maybe work days we don’t have sex if we can’t have quick sex”

    Sex should.be about the both of you, and it’s perfectly reasonable to set expectations and boundaries for what you want and what you can provide as a partner when you’re busy and tired

  21. Doesn’t sound like you guys are compatible. She’s not meeting you halfway to make it work. she’s putting all the pressure on you to figure it out, which isn’t fair. She could spend 45 minutes on herself before you get home so that she’s ready to go, but I guess she doesn’t want to do that.

  22. I have a few experiences that could give you some perspective. Just a warning though, I’m not entirely convinced that she’s compatible with you.

    So every girl is different; the way they want it and if they can orgasm, what it takes for them to come, etc. I’m just one girl however and I can tell you my personal experience because that’s the only thing I can draw from. I was first with few incompatible guys before I found men that I was sexually compatible with. Before I knew how my body responded to the compatible ones, I thought that I need 45 minutes of foreplay too. And when sex was finally started, it still hurt and they had to go slow so that I could adapt. It makes me concerned that she needs this much foreplay because typically it takes me about 15 minutes I would say to get turned on enough to have sex with a man that I feel very attracted to and we are compatible. So what if she hasn’t been with a man that turns her on physically and emotionally and she just doesn’t know it yet.

    Sometimes my (sexually incompatible) boyfriend at the time would say he didn’t “feel” like having sex because it was a lot of work for the guy and he was tired. I think it just goes to show that the sexual connection just wasn’t making “fireworks”. One time I asked him why he didn’t initiate more, and his response was that he preferred for the girl to be in charge and initiate. I tried doing that but it felt forced, like it didn’t make me happy at all, but it was the best sex he had ever had. So in that moment I knew that we would have to force ourselves to take turns for the other person and that neither person would mutually enjoy it. But he never acted dominant for me because it just wasn’t him, so I never got to fully enjoy sex with him. It just wasn’t meant to be. It felt like there was no “passion” between us, and if you ever have good sex with someone you will know what I mean. They should melt you into a puddle just by talking to them, their body should turn you on just by being around them, it should feel natural and they should drive you crazy like you think about them constantly and how much you want them etc.

    Everyone is different and some guys don’t like my style because I’m more slow and sensual. Likewise, I get turned off by fast, hardcore porn types of men. But for the guys who are also slow and sensual, I’m like a dream come true. Every touch counts and the way that its given also matters. I wonder if your “style” can be switched up to something else that she prefers or if its just you as a person she is not completely into. Sorry if this response isn’t what you wanted, its just my personal experience.

    I also had a guy friend who had been with the same girl for 5 years. They ended up having an open relationship because she just wasn’t that into him physically. She took 1-2 hours of foreplay before she would have sex with him. It was just one of the things he complained to be about when they broke up.

    I had about one hookup with another girl where I went down on her and I got her to come in almost 5 minutes. She was really turned on by me.

    But like I said, every woman is different so it may in fact just be HER particular thing.

  23. She sounds like she’s pretty selfish in bed just based off this. It’s unreasonable to expect your partner to spend an hour focusing entirely on you and still be in the mood after, especially after working long hours.

  24. Sounds to me like there’s more going on with her related to the “not wanting to be a fucktoy”. Is there some past trauma she’s endured? Maybe a past relationship that made her feel used? Hopefully you both can communicate through this or get some professional help to resolve this issue. I wish you the best of luck.

  25. just dont have sex, let her get worked up all week, play with her seductively a bit then stop and make her want you more.

    TBH I am your GF in the sex department. However, I do understand that people have work and lives to lead so if I am going to play with someone i let them know in advance its going to take at least a few hours, that i dont do quickies and that I like after care.

    Its on them if they show up looking for a quickie because I flat out tell people I can not do that.

    I know what I need but am willing to go without.

  26. Do you think you two can start mutual masturbation? My fiancé and I do that a lot when we’re lazy but want to get off.

  27. Annnd what is she doing for *you*? She needs to understand that you’re giving her 200% while she’s just taking. That is selfish and thoughtless. You are allowed to set some boundaries, and if she gets mad about it, maybe you want to suggest sex therapy or counseling or something. You two are just not on the same page.

  28. For me personally, foreplay starts outside the bedroom. How much do you communicate and touch before this? Do you hug, hold hands, cuddle, kiss, how do you talk to each other. Sex is as mental as it is physical. Build up the sexual tension ahead of time. Maybe try to focus on how you two are connecting outside of the bedroom. It could be that she’s feeling disconnected but doesn’t know how to explain it. Look at the other areas of your relationship and see if there can be some improvement there. If not, then you both need to find a compromise or accept that you’re sexually incompatible.

  30. She’s all take and no give here. You’re providing alternatives and options, she’s telling you you have to do it exactly how she wants it but also not having sex isn’t an option. You need to keep working on the communication because she needs to realize that there is a balance to strike and 1.5 hrs for sex every session isn’t reasonable for you (or most people for that matter.) God forbid you get married and have kids, good luck ever finding that much time for sex. Just this morning my wife and I snuck in a quickie before we got up, took 10-15 minutes and we both left very satisfied.

  32. What your gf is looking for is emotional connection. She just doesn’t know how to say it probably.

  33. She sounds like a fucking nightmare. I am sure other aspects of your relationship are great, but her attitude toward sex sucks.

  34. From my viewpoint (as a woman who often needs so time to get turned on), the suggestions you’ve already made are reasonable. However, it seems that she requires a LOT of emotional connection before sex. Her body is ready, but her mind is not, which is why the “play with yourself for a bit” may not be the best solution (though i totally understand where you’re coming from with that!). I understand her point of view, BUT it seems like you are trying to work with her rather than just use her. If she feels like a fucktoy without the 45min of foreplay, then there are some underlying issues that she needs to work through (likely through therapy). It genuinely seems like there are some insecurities revolving around either self-worth or trust in men/romantic partners. I’m not so sure that you are equipped to fully help her through these underlying issues, other than what you’ve already been doing. Perhaps couples/sex therapy would be a good first step; frame it as wanting to fulfill her sexual/emotional needs and stating that you may need a little help from an outside source to help you understand where she is coming from. Its easier to get people to agree to therapy when you make it about YOUR growth as a person rather than THEIR growth (even though she is the one having more issues here).

    I guess you can increase non-sexual flirting and non-sexual touch throughout the day if you don’t do it already. That way the cute, cuddly touches don’t feel like she’s being treated like just a toy but just as a gesture of appreciation. You can also do more routine stuff like chores, small gifts, words of appreciation that are non-sexual to help build that emotional trust (if you aren’t already doing so). But honestly, this issue seems to lie mostly with your GFs expectation more than what you are doing; 45 min of foreplay is a lot for every single time.

    Much luck to you, my guy. You sound like a very sweet person in a tough spot. And it doesn’t seem like what you are asking for is unreasonable at all; I hope you are able to find a solution that works.

  36. Maybe she hasn’t told/you haven’t figured out exactly what gets her gushing, communication is key brother! Otherwise lube and consent!

  37. Foreplay can start mentally with pics, vids, sexting, or teasing before u meet. Sometimes it’s the build up. Try it, it might cut down the physical foreplay time before intercourse 👍

  39. >Her and I have talked about it and Ive suggested that if she knows she wants sex why doesn’t she start playing with herself time before we get into, she does have toys and masturbates herself. She said she shouldn’t have to do it herself and when I rush her it makes it feel like I’m just using her for sex like a fuck toy.

    She refuses to compromise and suggests that any compromise would mean that you’re using her. That’s not okay.

    >working. I work 12 hour shifts 4-6 days a week. When I get home from work I’m a dead body I try to work up enough energy to have sex with her before I have to be up at 5:30 the next morning for work.

    >She said she doesn’t like when I come home fuck and go to sleep as it makes her feel like a quick fuck, so I even proposed that we don’t have sex when I’m that tired we can just cuddle to sleep. Her response to that was she doesn’t want to not have sex.

    Again, she’s refusing to compromise, and she’s only considering herself. I understand that sex is important to her, but she’s being disrespectful to you.

    Your edits don’t make her look any better, either. It just further proves that she’s too wrapped up in her own feelings, and she isn’t trying to work with you as a team. She expects you to be considerate to her without her doing the same for you.

    I would suggest you talk to her and say, “I’ve tried to compromise with you by suggesting that you get a head start so that we can both enjoy ourselves. I understand that you don’t want to feel used, but I’m starting to feel used because you’re not considering my situation or my feelings.

    I’ve been supportive of your perspective, and I deserve to be treated the same way. I feel like you’re never satisfied with how much effort I put into pleasing you and making you happy, and I’m not okay with that. I need you to compromise and be more considerate to me, or else this relationship isn’t going to work out.”

  42. She sounds like a damn pillow princess. 45 min of foreplay every time is a wild expectation. I like quickies and feeling like a fuck toy tho lol idk

  43. I understand that she doesn’t want to feel like a fuck toy but it kinda seems like she’s treating you like one. I know that’s hard to hear but better your gf than your wife.

  44. Sounds like this is a her problem. There is a point where it is not your responsibility but hers to prepare for sex. She should do things that make her more wet like eat and drink well, exercise, and not use sex toys often. That’s all on her and not your fault.

  46. The main issue is she’s so concerned about feeling like a fuck toy or something. She needs therapy as well as spend an hour of foreplay devoted to YOU before she gets sex. I’d honestly leave this relationship if she’s so selfish she can’t see you working 60+ hours a week and not being thrilled about needing to spend an hour foreplay just to put all the effort of actual sex for another hour in afterwards.

  47. If I wanted a 90 minute love making session every time I wouldn’t get laid very often, just saying. Most weekdays wifey’s got about a 30 minute window where she’s got the energy, and it’s either quickie or nothing.

    She needs to understand that she’s only one side of the coin, and it’s not fair to expect you to compromise your sleep and enjoyment every time to satisfy her complex needs. Sometimes, sure, but you shouldn’t feel guilty if you’re not up for a 90 minute session after a 12 hour work day. Clearly she’s kind of hung up on this and it will likely take a bit of work to get past it, whether you two want to put in the work is a decision you both have to make, but right now it’s a pretty glaring incompatibility and it’s not going to work in the long term unless something changes.

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