I’ll try to keep this short. I’ve been dating someone for 2.5 months. Recently I met his kids and they all hung out with my toddler at a holiday party he hosted. I met a few of his friends and they’re all married couples. It was fun and his daughter even came and sat on my lap. She’s 11 so seemed liked a good sign!
At the party, I met one particular couple that he’s super close with. He talks about them and the wife constantly. Their daughters are close friends so it’s almost like a codependent “throuple”. I’m not saying they are hooking up but the vibe is weird.
Some examples:
He purchased and moved into her parent’s old house and the wife was cooking in his kitchen most of the night. Like it was a I’m a female and taking over the kitchen vibe.
He told me her father passed away in 2020 around the same time his mom passed. And they have strong bond because of this. He also divorced his wife of 20 years that year. The timing of that seems weird.
Other parents mistook him for her husband at past soccer games, and her actual husband as her ex husband. He said it’s because her husband and her bicker. He thought this was funny. Umm ok… I didn’t laugh other than an awkward chuckle.
Lastly, he spends time with her family and spent Christmas eve with them playing games. Mind you, he has his own family/cousins/sisters/dad/stepmom nearby.
I picked the movie out “Love Actually” to watch while we had wine and about to make out. And he brought up watching it with them.
When I met her she was kinda quiet and odd towards me.
Anyway… When I brought this up to him, 2 nights after the party he got quiet and stuttered a bit. I got sick of hearing about her and got the weirdest feeling about the whole situation. Some background: most of my friends are single or married without kids, so this whole have your friends raise your kids and hang out all the time is new to me.
When I confronted him he really freaked out and I asked him to leave if he couldn’t answer confidently. He essentially professed his love for me, cried and still didn’t fully reassure me. I made a joke later, “well if you don’t want to have sex with her. I’m sure she wants you” trying to lighten the mood. He didn’t laugh much 😂
So now I have essentially shown myself to be the craziest gf ever or I hit a sore spot and he’ll be extra careful around her now.
8 comments
> He told me her father passed away in 2020 around the same time his mom passed. And they have strong bond because of this. He also divorced his wife of 20 years that year. The timing of that seems weird.
They’re united in grief
> When I met her she was kinda quiet and odd towards me.
That’s OK you are probably just a different personality type to her and she finds it hard to understand you.
> I made a joke later, “well if you don’t want to have sex with her. I’m sure she wants you” trying to lighten the mood. He didn’t laugh much 😂
I’m a man have female friends, who I value. My wife thinks I want to have sex with all of them which is crass and I don’t have the words to respond to that kind of stupidity. Joking about having sex with his female friends, tells me that you can’t see his boundaries with people. That’s going to be a problem further along.
> So now I have essentially shown myself to be the craziest gf ever or I hit a sore spot and he’ll be extra careful around her now.
I don’t mean to be overly harsh on you but you don’t strike me as crazy but as “crass – having no sensitivity or intelligence”.
At least you’ve thought about it and reflected and the internet may give you further insight.
If you want to redeem yourself. Apologise for the cruel and insensitive things you said. If you can explain why you feel threatened by his “intimacy” with his friends – maybe you’ll all emerge better people from the experience.
I recommend [this advice from a therapist -](https://archive.vn/HWDNL#selection-2031.0-2057.56)
*1 Balance: not putting all your effort into just one thing like professional success or accumulating wealth.*
*2 Honesty: being honest with yourself; not accepting comfortable lies.*
*3 Cherishing relationships with people who matter to you. Accepting that some people will never like you.*
*4 Developing your life to make best use of your own unique talents and attributes even when the result is not what society values the most.*
*5 Knowing when to give up on a lost cause. Accepting the inevitable with dignity.*
This thought you had
> When I met her she was kinda quiet and odd towards me.
It made me think of point 3 in the list and the two parts are important for you regardless of what happens. Cherish the relationship with your boyfriend, but don’t expect everyone to like you.
I find that your gut is usually right. However this is a really tough one to asses without actually being there. Off the bat It sounds a bit like you’re jealous, but then again you could also be totally right.
Do you have any other mutual friends you can talk to and get a feel for their relationship.
yeah you’re not crazy at all. they fucking
Honestly, none of this sounds especially bad-weird to me. Maybe unusual (weird) in some aspects, but not bad-weird. But I’m obviously not present in the situation, while you are, and sometimes there could be a weird vibe that doesn’t convey well over text.
I think the key question is… did he answer confidently? You said he proclaimed his love for you (might be deflecting, saying I love you because he can’t be otherwise honest and is trying to divert you, I.e. that’s the only honest thing he can provide). What do you mean he didn’t reassure you fully? Was that because you couldn’t be reassured fully no matter what he said or he was cagey and not complete in his reassurance?
Nah, I wouldn’t go for that. I think there is something else at play there. I know I am not regularly talking to my bf about my closest friends. Why would I, it seems so random. Maybe I’ll share a funny story if it comes up or if I’m having an issue with one of them or they’re going through something, because he’s a great listener, but otherwise I just don’t see how it is something to keep bringing up nor do I have the urge to.
Also, I’ll be honest even if it’s not popular to say, I would not be okay with a super close female friend situation. Note, I don’t mean not having any female friends, but if someone has a bff of the opposite sex who they talk to every day and share everything with, I wouldn’t be okay with it. But I may be the minority in that regard. And I practice what I preach, so I wouldn’t have a male friend where we are inseparable either.
I’m super close with a couple and similar to what to describe. I also have a bf. The male in the couple is one of my best friends, I love his gf but if he wasn’t there we wouldn’t be that close. For instance, I text him a lot but will have a group text including her, I don’t really text her directly. Some people’s closeness can be interpreted as too intimate, where as others can be seen as distant. You have to define what’s comfortable for you.
For reference, my male bff and i are super playful, if I lived in a big enough house I’d love to have him and his gf live with us. Like one big family with compassion and warmth and openness. My bf is OKAY with it but he’s not naturally that playful and is more stoic (opposite attract right??). But my bf is also very very progressive and open minded and knows I’m super close with my best friends. Taking naps together etc lol He’s also good with me being friends with those I’ve had sex with (that I still keep as friends). I reassured him from the start and told him what’s up with my friendships and how I am really open and don’t tolerate jealousy or assumptions.
The only thing I can say is have an open mind and stay curious bc friendships and closeness are really unique and are understood by those in them, and shouldn’t be judged by other people bc they aren’t in that relationship.
As a male, there are many red flags in this discussion. I’d be wary of the fact he cannot properly explain himself.
I’d also be conscious of him gaslighting you around the situation, i.e. making it out that you’re creating drama.