I am a 34M and for pretty much as long as I remember, I have always had an issue with thinking that people hate me over the smallest things either said, that I interpret or really over anything. For a lot of my youth I would feel this all the time and I ended up essentially buying friendships to satisfy my mind that people don’t hate me but as I became an adult, that is much harder.
I feel this way like over anything, let it be ignored or talked over in a conversation, someone makes fun or dislikes something I like, someone criticizes something I do or think and I interpret it as said in a non-constructive way, thinking I am being talked about in secret (I remember specifically a time where my friends sat across from me on the bus, they both covered their faces and whispered to themselves while looking at me and I became very anxious they were talking bad about me that I immediately got off the bus and cancelled our plans because of it). Feeling this way causes me to feel so awful and sick feeling, to the point where a few times this happened and I carried this feeling to my place of work, I ended up quitting said job when a manager said something to me during the shift that I ended up also thinking that they hated me or they think my work is so bad that I should just quit to let someone better work.
The times where it’s the worst is when a friend of mine would actually get mad at me over something I do or said and it would lead me to have some real dark thoughts in which I would believe it would make everyone happy because everyone hates me, or I would do stuff smaller like stop eating or self-ostracize myself after feeling like since they hate me, they ostracize me so to make others happy I should just not be seen or heard from.
These thought have made it very, very difficult to make new friends and just be open in general. I never talk about myself to anyone, including my friends really about anything I do or like. I almost never post on social media and if I do, I often get no interaction and I end up feeling disliked and I end up deleting said posts. I always wanted to play online games or do things online with people and make friends but I find it very difficult as well.
I hate feeling like this and I don’t know what to do. This constantly feeling has really fucked my personality up and has prevented me from doing a lot of things I want to do, due to immediately thinking that shit will go bad and people will hate me, ignore me or ostracize me, even when it comes to being on the internet and even holding a job.
12 comments
This sounds like something a therapist can absolutely help with. Is that an option?
-First I’d recommend group therapy cause losing your job over it is a pretty big deal.
I went to one with about 15 people and it was eye opening to see how many very confident looking adults were scared all the time, to the point of regularly throwing up from stress.
-Try to realize that people are thinking mostly about themselves. I realized that doing 1on1 activities like learning to dance or going to the gym with friends.
-there is some things you don’t have any influence on, read some stoicism.
-try to get some feedback.
-Be aware of the positive, you have some friends, they invite you to events, etc.
-last point that contradict some of the previous point but it helped me a lot: you cannot know for sure what people are thinking. Even if they tell you, they could be lying. You’ll never know.
I think these thoughts and worries you have about others disliking you might have been taught to you by someone during your early childhood. I’m gonna write some advice below, but a Therapist is the most qualified person to help you work through these thoughts.
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I have also had worries and thoughts like that in my lifetime bc I had those who were closest to me at those times constantly overreacting to my actions and words and making me feel like everything I did was wrong and even telling me I was disliked/hated, which wasn’t true. They just hated themselves and took it out on me bc I use to be very forgiving while under that very bad conditioning.
Once I eliminated those people contributing to my fear of being disliked, and I journaled more, I felt a weight lifted.
Find ways to rewire your mind’s worries of people’s feelings towards you by thinking about how lovely you are, making sure you spend some time admiring yourself, feeling proud of yourself for who you really are and know that’s who you are, no matter what others say, or do. Journal these positive thoughts about yourself often and the negative ones too, just to get them out.
Others are mostly focused and thinking about themselves all the time. They barely think about what you’re doing and are enmeshed in their own self/ego/interest, and their reaction to you could just be some bad cloud they have hanging around in their mind. Focus on loving yourself and finding people who make you feel comfortable being you.
Just know, You are lovable, and you are loved.
Ask yourself something honestly. Why do you need constant validation from people ? You are essentially the emperor without clothes. You expect people to keep respecting you when there is actually nothing to respect about you. You don’t even respect yourself. You know this, and others know it as well. But All you do is worry about other people instead of worrying about important things in your life. You know what it takes to get better in your life, but instead of putting in the time and effort to do so, you need other people to essentially keep lying to you. In short, you need people to keep telling you comforting lies rather than dealing with the uncomfortable realities. This is your mindset when you seek validation.
You must stop hating yourself first.
OP, I too have suffered the same fate. I felt like people are making faces behind my back or if I happen to pass by someone and they started laughing, I can’t help but feel gut wretched by the encounter and sould often think about ahy did happened the whole day.
And yes, finding a job, going to the university is almost impossible for me because the people somehow seem to betray me with the things that they do/show.
I am now at the age of 26 and still am unfortunately, vulnerable when exposed to the same scenario.
I know to myself that I am not, nor do I know them but when they began laugh, it starts to hurt.
If you redditors have any idea what tyle of disorder this is. Me and OP would love to know.
I have suffered so much, not only mentally but as well as the quality of my life is damaged for good. I’m now known as “the man who’d never last a day with a job” or “the one who quits within a week at school”.
Just for further background- when you were at school, did your peers pick up on every little thing you did and blow it up? I ask because that happened to me. As an example, when I had remnants of crisps/ chips left in the big I would pick up a whole bunch and put it in my mouth, and they would say that that’s how I ate the whole packet, making me really self-conscious about how I ate. A silly example but when people constantly pick up on small things like that, everything becomes a reason for ridicule/ hate.
I’ve struggled with my thoughts my whole life (33/f)
Get the book:
The Untethered soul.
It talks about that little voice in your head that tells you everyone hates you. The book changed my perspective and everything. The voice is a roommate living rent free. Do not listen to him. We have the flesh and the spirit. The flesh is that voice telling you that. Don’t cave. Let that beautiful spirit outshine the voice of the flesh babe. Find happiness within yourself.
Hold your head up high, you are worthy, you do matter. And if someone doesn’t like you, that’s their problem, not yours.
I had a sponsor once tell me, it’s none of my business what people think of me.
Usually if someone doesn’t like you it’s bc they see something in you they wish they had or they see themselves in you. Don’t let it bother you. 🫶🏻
Definitely find a therapist
You & everyone will reach an age to realize that nobody gives a shit about you. The sooner you get it the sooner you’re free of the need to impress.
Taking the time to hate you for some slight or mistake is Karen behavior.
https://www.vice.com/en/article/4avx73/the-liking-gap-is-why-you-always-wonder-if-people-secretly-hate-you
People are recommending therapy, but another option to check out is hypnotherapy.
It can also be expensive… can be worth looking for a hypnotherapy recording to listen to. This might be too specialized a problem, but worth trying recordings for anxiety and any issues that seem like there could be some overlap with yours.