She kissed me, said “I love you!”, Then grew distant

Tl;dr at the end of the post (because this is an **essay**)
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I (30M) met a girl (26F) six months ago; we’ll call her Jeanette. There was instant attraction on both sides, with her even trying to make plans with me alone, but I kept my distance out of respect for my friend who wanted to pursue something with her. She lives a considerable distance from me and my friend. I stopped responding to her texts and warned my friend that she was hitting on me.

Jeanette eventually friend-zoned my friend after they had attempted long distance and she came out to visit him. I hung out with them a number of times during that trip and Jeanette and I became close friends. I had successfully moved on from any idea of pursuing anything with her and was happy with our friendship. We would talk every couple of weeks, always initiated by her, mostly me giving advice on whatever issues she was enduring.

The next time I saw her was at a festival a few months later. She spent the weekend trying to hang out with me. Her greetings were intense, lengthy, tight full-body hugs, leaping into my arms, etc. She kept taking my hand when we were walking, and her friends always made sure to position me next to her. Jeanette took many selfies of us and was texting/FaceTiming me any time I was absent from her group. She just couldn’t get enough of me, eventually grabbing my face, saying “kiss me!” and proceeding to make out with me. This was the final night of the festival and we made out the rest of the night, her friends looking on [aka it wasn’t a secret]. I can’t say if we would have gone further since I had to return to my place to pack and clean before checkout. While we were making out she stopped twice to say things. The first time was to say “I’m not kissing you because of the alcohol; I’m kissing you because I wanted to.” The second was to say “I love you!” We are the type of friends who say “I love you” platonically, but it definitely felt different when we were making out. I responded by saying “I love you”. By this point I had fallen **hard**. We continued making out and she begged me to stay the rest of the night, but I couldn’t for a number of reasons. She was texting me until she fell asleep.

Following that night, Jeanette still wanted to be near me, but something changed. She greets me with a side-hug unless nobody is watching. She is distant and then randomly pours out some heartfelt statement, immediately followed by bouncing away, as if she suddenly realizes she is being vulnerable and snaps back to reality where she is trying to control herself. She’ll still kiss my cheek (not just a peck) if nobody is watching. She’ll hold my hand and then stop the moment anyone looks.

I did not get a chance to talk to her alone since our kiss, and since we live a long way apart I have had no other opportunities to meet up with her. It’s been about six weeks since we made out. Her communication switches amongst between weeks of silence, memes and in-depth conversations. I was sick of wondering where I stood, and I know from our past conversations that she’s not ready for anything serious and that she is terrible with setting boundaries (e.g. she only attempted long distance with my friend because he kept pestering her), so I wanted to learn the truth about us without making her feel pressured or setting any expectations. I simply texted her:

> Shall we talk about how I’ve fallen for you, or do you prefer we act like that didn’t happen?

She responded by saying we could talk about it if it would help me. I politely declined, telling her my emotional burden is not her problem and that our friendship will not change in the slightest. She asked a few questions (when did this start/how long) which I answered honestly, following up by emphasizing that we did not have to talk about it and the last thing I wanted was to make her uncomfortable or put her in an awkward situation. Our conversation on that subject ended after she told me I was in the “best friend zone” and “she would never do anything to mess that up”. I reciprocated and added that I’m not in a “zone”, as I will not make a move on her, so I do not want her wondering whether I have ulterior motives (I believe the “friend zone” is where people wait for their shot; I simply wanted to be clear I was moving on and our friendship would continue like this never happened). Jeanette never confirmed she wasn’t into me, despite me giving her multiple opportunities. She technically did not reject me, but in romance anything other than a “hell yes” is a “hell no”. I have my own theories for this rejection, but they’re not relevant.

I am not asking advice on how to move on or break out from the friend zone. I am talking with other girls and reminding myself that the only thing that really hurts is my ego — I’ve experienced heartbreak and this most definitely *is not it*. I can be friends with her without pining over her or being upset when she dates other guys. I’ve done it before, I know myself, I know that within a month or two my feelings will subside.

I am simply **confused**. Jeanette was all over me. She complimented me constantly. She initiated our making out and carried it on all night. Prior to that, every time we spent time together, she was taking my hand, dancing with me, wrapping herself around me as greetings and farewells, making plans for us (trips she wanted to take with me, upcoming concerts, etc.) It is obvious to me that her actions around her friends are somewhat orchestrated to get my attention. She would get jealous when I was talking to other girls (not in a toxic manner but in a *gauging-the-competition* manner). She was still making plans with me [unprompted] and inviting me to visit her prior to my confession, though the plans were much more vague. She’s all-around more reserved. She is not cold, she still obviously adores me, she is still obviously attracted to me, but something has changed.

My best guess is based on what I know about her and how she views me. Jeanette has always been in awe of how I have my life together, my confidence, the respect I have from my friends and the value I have added to her life and her friends’ lives. Jeanette, on the other hand, has very low confidence. Her life is a bit of a mess, she feels that she is aimless and is unsure of what she wants, and she has only ever been in relationships where any outsider would have thought she was settling. She has always been the higher earner, the better looking partner, the outgoing one, the one who eventually walked away. The dynamic would reverse if she and I were together: I earn more than she does, I am objectively more attractive than she is/have dated more attractive girls, she matches my energy (we are both outgoing, life of the party, etc.), and I am the one who walked away from my ex, who is still chasing me two years later, and is objectively far more attractive physically. I say this not as a shallow comparison, but because she has mentioned it before, not in comparison to herself but just randomly in conversation she started telling her friends how ridiculously attractive my ex is (during our true friendship, prior to making out, we had discussed our exes and shared photos of them). It was unprovoked but that, coupled with her confidence issues (with which I’ve helped her considerably, by the way) could definitely lead her to fear that she would have no power over me in a relationship.

I feel that Jeanette is afraid that, were we to pursue something together, she would find herself completely consumed by our connection. We share a connection like no other, we are both very empathetic and complimentary; everything (up until six weeks ago) was just *easy* and *effortless*. I believe Jeanette is scared of her feelings, realizing after we made out that she was falling too hard for me and could not risk losing me by dating and potentially not lasting, thus trying to establish new boundaries, keeping me at arm’s length [literally] so as to keep control of her life, as opposed to being swept into a relationship with depth formerly completely foreign to her.

I am posting here to gather any possible insight. It could be that she did not enjoy making out with me and thus abandoned all fantasies (though I would counter that by saying she kept initiating throughout the night + the two times she paused). It could be that she was just playing with me and once her itch was scratched she got bored. I am not asking what to do (all there is to do is hit the gym and date other girls); I am asking if anyone has any thoughts on what transpired.

I have been friend-zoned only once before, and that was clearly the result of me misreading things with a girl who was not sure what she wanted. This just feels very different. I am good at picking up on signals. I have an active social life and I have no trouble getting dates or relationships. This is the first girl with whom I have actually pictured a future since my ex, and I think that is why my confusion is occupying my brain. It is worth noting that now, even if she were to confess feelings for me, I would not pursue anything with her, as I am not willing to be an option for someone who could not even shoot straight with me. I am trying only to settle this confusion in my head.

Thank you so much for reading all of that! I know it’s a lot. Also, I would like to mention that I in no way intend to imply that she is below my “league”, but rather that I believe she may think that, based on our past conversations.

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Tl;dr: I (M30) fell for my friend (F26), and I think she fell for me too. Following us making out, *initiated by her*, she has become somewhat distant, and friend-zoned me when I told her I had fallen. I know some of her guy friends who have been friend-zoned, and their dynamics never changed the way ours has (though they had never reached our level of closeness). I am confused, wondering if she is playing with me or if she may be scared of her own feelings.