I don’t even know where to start. My parents are incredibly passive aggressive and have never apologized or admitted fault in anything in their lives. Their relationship has never been great, I always wondered why they were together but anyway. My mom can be a very hateful and petty person who will make very hurtful passive aggressive comments, and when you address the comment she will play it off. She will not allow confrontation or a conversation about her behavior or actions. I had a conversation with her last year about something incredibly important. I didn’t ask for her to agree, I asked for her to try to see my side and empathize a little. She refused. Did not care about my feelings, if she feels tension or doesn’t like where the conversation is going she will straight up not answer, make up lies or just say we are not going to talk about this because I don’t want to argue. Never wants to argue. So I said we’ll until you’re ready to have a conversation, I can’t continue. Almost 8 months went by, and it was still me who had to initiate this conversation.
Fast forward to Christmas, my mom was incredibly passive aggressive, hurtful and spiteful. She made nasty comments all night, infront of my fiance’s parents who joined us for Christmas dinner. The next day (yesterday), I just texted her saying like hey, this is what happened and it was pretty hurtful. She blew up, said we will not have this discussion as she does not want to argue. I basically said that I had been crying feeling because her behavior makes me feel like she doesn’t love or care for me. She didn’t answer. She lied and said she was busy so didn’t answer and I said okay, let me know when you’ve read my texts and she said she wasn’t going to answer anyway as not to argue. She would always rather deflect and lie. She and my father both then called me to shit on me. I just wanted them to see where I was coming from and why I felt how I did. My partner then called them who is the sweetest, soft spoken man and tried to calm them down and explain. They were not having it and said some very nasty words to him about me that are very far from true. Such as how my mom makes every effort to have a relationship with me, and that I make everything about me. I am just trying to have a good relationship with substance instead of surface level bs. My partner said if that were true, why did my mom choose not to talk to me for 6+ months instead of having a simple conversation. Anyway, I am done. My mom texted me a final time with a guilt trip, playing the victim. Saying let’s talk and get this over with. So I know where this is going and want nothing to do with it. I have been crying non stop, I am a heartbroken mess feeling absolutely alone and like my parents just do not want or care for me. I dont know where to go from here.
I know I haven’t given you all a lot of background but it’s 30 years worth of abuse in every form and I’m trying to cut to the chase here. Also, my dad is an incredibly depressed man and I am always worried to upset him because I am always terrified that he may harm himself. I have never brought up past abuse to him and I have accepted that he has been a better man, but I have now reached my limit and I have tons of guilt that I know I don’t deserve to carry. Any advice or experiences would be very appreciated.
Tldr; had my last straw with my abusive parents, and need advice as to how to carry on with my life.
3 comments
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
r/EstrangedAdultChild might be a good place to browse and ask.
Be gentle on yourself, it can take a while to get used to it. But soon you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it years ago! Welcome to calm.
This is what I call the mad dog example. This dog is your favorite pet and you want to feed it and nurture it but everytime you come close it bites and snarles or just plain ignores you. You really want to take care of this pet and each time you approach same behavior after a while you decide if feeding your pet is taking a personal toll on you and your response to feed and nurture the pet less and less over time. There is no closure for you and you are tired of the behavior and you want to understand it. You are so hoping this dog will change its behavior but it doesn’t. The only choice you have is to go to therapy to help you make some life circumstance decisions.
I think since cutting them off is very recent you don’t need to worry yet about how to carry on with your life. Maybe focus on getting through the next week first. Just eating, sleeping, going to work, taking showers, distracting yourself, letting yourself feel all the feelings. Making sure the boundaries you put up are SOLID, like block their numbers, delete them on social media, put away any reminders you may have. Maybe you can look online to find other people going through the same.
Once you get through the initial shock it’s likely that the fog will clear and you’ll feel a bit of weight has lifted. Wait until then to think about the rest of your life.