A few days ago I was at a work party, had a bit too much to drink. The drinks started tasting like “go make out with your shitty ex’s friend”. Except I didn’t realize that shitty people are usually friends with other shitty people.
We all started off on the same training team, I had a good opinion abt both of them. Just sweet, funny, kind dudes, we became friends quickly. Don’t wanna go into detail abt the situationship I had with one of them, but basically I ignored a lot of red flags and after we broke up I found out he was cheating on his gf with me, and I guess on me with her. He crossed some boundaries during sex, but I almost always voiced my concerns and limits, I wasn’t scared to.
And then the party happened. His friend was with my team for some reason, and we started talking. Joking, hugging, walking to the afterparty together. On the way there he put his hand over my mouth a few times, I guess I was speaking too much. My dumb ass found that hot. At one point he also choked my work bestie, I know I tried to stop him but both her and I were extremely drunk at that point and somehow let it slide. And at the afterparty another coworker asked me if I wanted him to set us up. I said yes.
He came out, we joked around some more and then started making out. Then he just picked me up and carried me away from the bar, to a more secluded place. He just started doing some kinky shit right off the bat, things that I’m into but didn’t expect right then and there. I told him to stop a few times. He did, most of the time. I actually felt like I had some power, even while drunk. And then he whipped his dick out and wanted me to suck him off or something. I tried to leave, and he told me to come back, or he dragged me back, I don’t remember. I told him I just wanted to make out, and he agreed. And then I noticed him touching himself. Not sure what happened here, if I said something or tried to leave or what. And he just slapped me. I slapped him back ofc. Then he grabbed my face and slapped me again, said “don’t you ever slap me, got it?”. I was scared but still not sure of what was going on, I just said “you know you’re not being a daddy dom right now, right? you’re just abusive”. He said he didn’t care, and kept asking me if I got it.. Eventually I said yes and just left. Came back to the party in tears, asked my bestie to leave. She and the guy that set us up kept asking me what happened, I told them and the guy went to talk to him. He just told him we weren’t a good match lmao, also said I kicked him in the balls? I wish I did. He also apologized to him, but never to me.
We stayed at the party and I managed to mostly ignore him and have a good time, I had already quit the job so I never have to see him again. But it just keeps coming back to me. I’m glad I was so drunk so I don’t remember it very vividly, but it just reminds me of other times when I’ve been disrespected and hurt under the guise of someone being a dom. The first time someone slapped me, he hadn’t discussed it prior, or even afterwards. I remember being shocked, but not speaking up. A few bad experiences later, I told myself I would always speak up. I’d never let someone get away with doing something abusive. And then it happened again, and I had no power. I was scared. I’m not sure how I could’ve prevented it. And I’m not sure how to proceed going further. How do you weed out abusers from doms, if your kink is pain and control? The only thing I can think of is just saying no to sex even when I want it, just to see how they handle rejection. If they accept it immediately, or try to nag (the shitty ex did this a lot, and so did his friend). But then again I don’t want to play games with people, and I don’t want to limit myself. But I have no idea what else to do.
3 comments
Sorry you went through that. I think the only way to weed anyone out no matter what your looking for is this:
With time, patience, and communication.
It is the most helpful thing you can do.
Don’t rush into things, converse and see how someone acts and responds with you and to you. If they can’t with conversation then it’s likely not going to make for much fun later. Have a fun open talk about sex and kinks. Limits and needs.
Nothing worse than guessing during sex and making a mistake, especially a potentially painful one.
Maybe I’m just boring but that to me is the best thing. Trust is earned and sex and relationships should be as comfortable, fun, and care free as possible. Talking and learning to vibe together makes that possible.
As someone who actively takes part in bdsm and has d/s relationship literally nothing you have said makes me think he is a Dom literally at all.
Doms are big on communication and consent. BEFORE any of that stuff happens. Kinks, limits, safe words etc all need to be discussed. None of the actions you just said. That was nothing at all to do with being a Dom and just straight up abuse.
You shouldn’t need to ‘say no to sex to see how they react’ because you shouldn’t be in that situation of handing over control to someone you don’t trust with it. It’s not a small thing. It’s a power exchange. It makes you vulnerable, which with the right person can be fantastic but with the wrong can be dangerous and in extreme cases even deadly. Like I said communicate. Get to know the person first, discuss what’s ok what isn’t, build that trust before anything happens. Don’t excuse or confuse shitty behaviour as dominant behaviour, there is nothing dominant about being a dick.
Get educated on what the BDSM community is truly all about (consent, mindful power exchange, communication, etc.) Read some books, listen to podcasts, look up Evie Lupine on YouTube. After you learn more about it, see where you can find a local “munch” in your area. A “munch” is a vanilla “safe space” meeting for people to discuss and get to know people and make friends without pressure.
Also know that people in the BDSM community will advise people to always be SOBER when engaging in BDSM activities so that everyone remains safe, both emotionally and physically.