I have so many feelings inside me and I don’t know what to do. I thought I could get some insight from this community.
My parents have been together for 34 years. They met in university and had my brother and I several years into their marriage.
About my parents:
My mother is a hardworking and loving mom, but she can be very dominant and controlling at times. She has a short temper, but she is often misunderstood and has a lot of love for her family. She always puts others before herself.
My father is incredibly kind and sweet. He is very intelligent, and like my mother, is a software engineer. However, his intelligence extends to many other areas as well. He is not always socially adept and can be a bit aloof and unaware of what’s going on around him. He is an interesting person to talk to and is full of kindness, but my mother doesn’t always see the beauty in him.
My parents have never had a perfect relationship, but for the past few years, things have been fine. There was no love between them, but there were no major arguments either.
The situation:
I noticed that my dad changed recently. He started going to the gym 5 times a week, dressing nicer, and seemed more alive. It was a positive change.
On Christmas evening, my brother and I were playing chess on a tablet and we tried out the trial version of chess. While I was in the settings, I noticed that my dad had a running Tinder Gold subscription. My heart stopped for a second and I tried to act normal around my brother. I later talked to my dad about it. He said he just downloaded the app to look around, that it was just a way for him to flirt and feel better about himself. He said there was not a lot of love in his marriage and using Tinder gave him a good feeling. He also said he never crossed any lines and remained loyal to my mother (which I later confirmed by reading their messages). I reminded him of what he could potentially lose and told him that I saw my mom improving their relationship. I suggested he focus on their relationship, as I know my mom isn’t the most loving wife, but I see positive progress.
Today, I was looking for a game on the family computer and couldn’t find it. Instead, I found files with pictures and chats with a woman. She lives 3-4 hours away and they met on Tinder. Their conversations seemed to have started around a month ago and they chat every day. My dad also kept voice messages from her, which I listened to. Apparently, she knows that he is still married and when he talked about his marriage, he said he had tried many times to make it work but realized there was no love left between them. He said they were more like friends than a couple. He said he tried counseling, but my mom was opposed to it. He said he has so much love and interest inside, but my mom often shuts him down when he wants to talk to her about things that interest him. This is true, as my dad is very interested in deeply philosophical or mathematical topics, as well as physics, astrophysics, and recently, AI. I feel like the woman he’s talking to is really listening to him and he feels heard. He needed to be heard. He’s like a flower in the dark, unable to flourish. On the other hand, my mom just needs warmth, love, and recognition for her sacrifices. She is a flower just like my dad and I believe she needs love to grow into a confident, proud and loving version of herself.
I have one brother who is the person I love the most. He is 15 years old and is so kind, empathetic, and has a pure heart. He is very sensitive when it comes to tension and needs peace. Honestly, I would do anything for him and just want him to be happy. I am worried about the potential impact on our home life and my brother if my dad were to have a mistress. I saw that my dad booked an Airbnb for next week and said he was going to visit his family in the countryside, but I know what he and the woman he is talking to are really planning.
I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to my dad about this? Should I interfere and, if so, what should I say? Or should I just leave things as they are and hope for the best? My ultimate goal is for my parents to be happy and for my brother to grow up in a good environment without the mental turmoil of a divorce, if possible.
Is there a possibility where my parents could achieve a happy marriage by me influencing the direction where things are going?
Thank you for your time and I wish you well.
tl;dr My dad wants to cheat on my mom. Nothing has happened yet. Should I interfere or let it take its own course?
40 comments
Tell your mom before he goes anywhere.
If somebody wants to do something, I’ve found it’s best that they just do it and face the consequences. That’s the only way they’ll learn. If he wants to cheat on your mom, you will not stop him.
I would leave it be personally. You aren’t going to be a hero.
Talk to your father.
But really sounds to me that their marriage is over. You interferring at this point is going to stop the inevitable only temporarily.
I know its tough. But talk to your dad. There is a possibility you have jumped to conclusions that aren’t accurate.
Telling your mother before talking to your father, is just stirring up trouble for vengence. You need to verify, from your fathers mouth, exactly what’s going on first.
Your father isnt hiding his tracks much.
I’d ask him about it right in front of your mother.
Tell mom with your proof so she can take care of the cheating asshole formerly known as her husband and your father.
I would stay out of it. Your mom has known him much longer than you have. If she wanted to find out what she was up to, she easily could. If she doesn’t already know it’s because she doesn’t want to.
As a much older Redditor, I have seen people come to all kinds of arrangements in their marriages. Arrangements that really aren’t their children’s business and probably you don’t want to know. For example the very very common “staying together for the kids” and separating after the youngest is launched (divorce is not just emotional but expensive).
Reddit is very black and white about these things but it often isn’t. Mom doesn’t love him and won’t spend an hour in therapy to make anything better, she’s probably glad to be left alone. They are bound by the responsibility of children and finances. And/but once you and your brother have moved out they’ll have to contend with how they want to spend the rest of their lives. For right now let them worry about navigating their own relationship.
I think you need to talk to your father ASAP. If the marriage is over, he should walk away without causing additional pain to the family. Make him see that he needs to end his marriage before moving on and ask him if he would be proud if any of his children did this to their future spouse. Lead by example.
I would tell my mum. Put yourself in her shoes. You’ve been with your loving husband for 30+ years and he’s cheating on you, how would you feel if someone knew about it and didn’t tell you? You need to tell your mum, regardless of how difficult it may be, it’s her decision to make! It’s not your fault, you’ve had nothing to do with this. This is life and it is what it is. Your parents may work through it and thanks to you, your dad won’t risk losing his family ever again.
I’d call the woman. I’d make some shit up to freak her out so she goes no-contact with your dad. It’s a temporary solution but maybe puts him off this course.
I feel like your dad deserves to be happy. And this lady may help him with that.
But before he does anything with her, he needs to come clean and tell your mum it’s over. Talk to your dad. Don’t hide that you know from him. And don’t get over emotional and argue. Listen to him but I’d advise him not to make it worse on your mum by cheating first.
umm idk why people are telling you to talk to your dad. you already tried that, and he lied to you. your mother (who has made sacrifices for your family as you stated), deserves better. i would not confront your dad, he might just delete everything & cancel the trip. your mom has every right to know what he’s doing & what he plans to do. also if your dad deletes evidence then your mom has no proof (in court if she decides to divorce) of his infidelity which could have some very negative results & that is NOT fair to your mother
Sit your parents down and talk to them both
imo you need to mind your own business and let the chips fall where they may. Be the warmth, recognition and love for your Mother that you recognize her needing and the attentive, inquisitive, stimulating conversationalist for your father. You only have control over your relationship with each of them individually and you are their child, not their therapist.
I say this as someone who was in a similar position and tried like hell to be the bridge between them. All that did was create guilt and shame in them because they felt like their marriage problems had put the burden of responsibility on me and create unrealistic expectations and some resentments in me toward each of them for not being able to make things work.
>I noticed that my dad changed recently. He started going to the gym 5 times a week, dressing nicer, and seemed more alive.
If you’ve noticed that, then believe me your mum has noticed it too, and knows full well what it means. She may even be okay with it.
Stay out of it, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on in their marriage. This: “*My parents have never had a perfect relationship, but for the past few years, things have been fine. There was no love between them, but there were no major arguments either.*” says to me that they’ve struggled on for years, but have finally given up even arguing with each other because they don’t care enough to bother.
They’re probably just going through the motions because it’s easier than facing the fact that they’re both unhappy, and have in mind that they will split up when you leave home.
Also, nobody has mentioned this, but the fact that he is planning to meet up with another woman does not make it okay for you to read his personal files. Do not do that again.
Speak with him & again & let him know you know.
Ask him to take little trip with just him & your mom. Hopefully they open up about their marriage & the problems so they work on it together.
“Hey dad. I saw your messages.”
*stare*
He’s making a decision to bring a third into his marriage. As a wife and mother I would want to know so I can make my decision on whether or not to stay married or get counseling.
Your father needs to grow up and end the marriage instead of sneaking around and cheating on your mom.
If it’s over then it’s over. But he should have the decency to his wife instead of starting an affair as if that can end well in any way.
I would tell if you know that you don’t approve of him cheating on your mom and that he needs to be upfront with her.
Talk to your dad. If he wants another woman then he should respect his wife and family enough to exit the relationship he is in before starting another.
Any chance your mom is menopausal? I know a son doesn’t want to think about his mom in that way, but I remember my grandma really flipping out when she went through the change. I know she loved my grandfather deeply but it didn’t always sound like it.
As one gets older things change. It isn’t the wild love of younger people. It is about respect, caring and us against the world.
I must add to be honest I have been divorced for years but it wasn’t cheating that ended the marriage. He went round the bend and if I hadn’t left when I did our family including kids would have been living in a car. I made good money as a nurse but he could spend it faster than I could bring it in the door.
You should have a conversation with your dad, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Sometimes doing things like this is a mean to mirror what’s wrong in the relationship and make the other person react. You should entice your dad to have a conversation with your mom so he can tell her the truth and see what her reaction is. This is a +30 years marriage, and oftentimes it’s not so much about the feelings but much more about an excruciating routine that has settled and parents have just forgotten about their own primal energy. Having a conversation might wake that up, nothing’s lost.
Everyone has given really sound advice. I wanted to add that you sound like a great person, who really sees people, and cares for them. They’re lucky to have you in their lives.
What about a mediator? I’m not sure I agree with so many opinions saying the marriage is over yet. I think the 15 year old might be able to take the truth better than a home based on discord and ambiguity. But I am a real team player and am perhaps naive about how selfish people can be.
Talk to your father. But don’t encourage him to stay with mum. Just listen and suggest he get counselling just for himself before he does anything that way he will be able to stop the potential hurt.
Personally, I think you should talk to your dad and tell him what you saw, and encourage him to be honorable and do the right thing–which is to end the relationship with his wife before beginning an affair. Make him think about the consequences of his actions, and how having a divorce as a result of an affair is SO much worse (especially on sensitive people like your brother) than just having a divorce and beginning a new relationship.
Neither situation is great, but one is MUCH more filled with betrayal and intentional hurt.
I wouldn’t try and guilt him into staying together with your mom. I mean, if you think there’s any chance they could actually let each other shine and flower, then maybe, but from what you posted it sounds like they are both suffering in darkness. Instead of trying to stuff them back into their respective dark corners so you all can pretend to be happy, maybe go through some uncomfortableness on the path to everyone being actually happy and fulfilled. And most importantly, not betrayed.
Mom already knows. They are staying together for the younger child. Mom may have already had an affair or two, as may have Dad. Dad is taking no pains to hide what’s happening, other than telling the kids he’s visiting family in the countryside. They are keeping a façade of marriage until the best time to dissolve it.
Make a fake account pretending to be the woman and send all the proof to your mom while pretending to be her.
It’s not your job to manage all of these feelings. It just isn’t. You can’t save the marriage, make mum and dad happy, save brother from pain etc all by yourself . Stop trying to save everyone else, acknowledge the hurt you feel and let your parents do what they are going to do. They are adults. Maybe say that you’re aware and if he needs to do whatever with this woman can he please be respectful of you all. But sometimes you’ve just got to let people take the consequences of their actions
The best thing to happen to my family was divorce, if they aren’t happy, you can’t force them to be. I’m not saying cheating is anyway the answer but he definitely deserves happiness and a divorce might just help the family. Your father will flourish from this and your mother, she doesn’t seem happy either you may be surprised with the outcome. Divorce doesn’t always have to be messy. Also your father stepping up and taking initiative for the divorce could open your mom’s eyes ya know. Some people don’t know what they have til it’s already gone. Once they know you love them and care ab them they get comfortable, they don’t really seem to care until you’re leaving.
Don’t cockblock your dad. Let him get some ass. Same for your mom, she should get some ass too. They deserve it after staying together for the sake of your sorry ass.
talk to your father and tell your mother. cheating isn’t cool and there really isn’t an excuse.
Your parents are software engineers. They know as much about each other’s use of the internet a d dating apps as they choose to.
Don’t go to your dad about this. You already talked to him and he lied to you. Do you expect something different the second time around? Go to your mother. She deserves to know what’s happening. Even if their relationship isn’t where it should be, your parents made a commitment to each other and your dad is breaking that commitment. Please talk to your mom.
First and foremost, what a lovely, mature way to view a situation like this. It’s very typical for people to live multiple chapters with a partner and gradually choose to stop investing in the relationship. It sounds like they both are wonderful people that at some point need to choose their own happiness in the end, while cohabiting the family. There’s a lot of wisdom in your way of speaking, if anybody could mediate it’s you.
I hope that burden doesn’t fall on you though, best of luck regardless!
There’s a lot of justification going on here. Dad is an intellectual, mom is a strong flower. Blech. Who cares? Your dad is doing something harmful and risky – to you, your brother, and mother. How will your mom feel when she learns you said nothing? Or your brother? You are making this sound romantic, but it is not. It is the sad disillusion of your family. The only way for it to happen in a way that preserve their friendly relationship is with truth and transparency. Tell your dad that you are going to tell your mom. And then tell your mom. 100%.
Hi! Ich kann ja verstehen, dass du möchtest, dass deine Eltern zusammenbleiben, aber ich finde es unfair, dass du darauf so einen Fokus setzt. Deine Mutter hatte 30 Jahre, um mehr Interesse zu zeigen.
Dein Vater hat nur ein Leben und davon hat er bereits 30 Jahre auf deine Mutter verwendet. Ehrlich gesagt wirkt es so, als würde er nur bei ihr bleiben, weil du so klar gemacht hast, dass du das von ihm erwartest und vermutlich wegen deines Bruders. Das ist nicht fair. Lass deinen Vater glücklich sein. Rede mit ihm, sag ihm, dass du weißt, was er vor hat und dass es OK ist, sich scheiden zu lassen.
Du möchtest, dass deine Eltern glücklich sind. Also dränge sie nicht dazu, zusammenzubleiben.
I would tell your dad to come clean to your mother in a day, or you will tell her everything. If he states that she knows then tell him you’ll tell her anyways.
Or secretly tell your mom and go with her to the airbnb.
You dad needs to divorce then date not the other way around.
If your dad has to lie to your mother ie his wife about the situation obviously he doesn’t think their relationship is over.
He’s lying to both women and his family. Both women deserve to know the truth. Tell your mom what you know, otherwise you’re implicit in the affair.
I’d also suggest when you tell your mother that your father be present in the room. After you allow them time alone, you may want to message his lady friend information that your father is not being truthful with her (although she’s an idiot.)
talk to your mother and father. it sounds like the marriage is already over and everyone involved including your brother would be better off if they separated and formed new happy partnerships.
Your mother had over 30 years of kindness and support and love from him to “grow into a confident, proud and loving version of herself”. Counselling would have likely helped your dad see where your mom feels taken for granted. Sorry OP but your mom ended this marriage long ago and your father is right, it’s probably not fixable. How could she refuse even counselling? With a family as well? Boggles the mind.
As much as I hate cheating I say don’t tell because you yourself said they have no love between them and your mom refused counseling and he isn’t even lying to you or the other woman as she knows he is married maybe your parents have an agreement or maybe they have a dead bedroom and your father decided he’s had enough and sweety if you’ve noticed the changed I’m certain your mom has noticed too she may think it’s for himself or for her even or she may simply not care they honestly seem to be staying together because of your brother as you know divorce is expensive