My personal favourite is “please remind our neighbours that loud drunk people have been leaving this establishment long before they decided to build houses next to it”.

43 comments

  1. I was at Turf Moor the other night watching Birmingham get shat on by Burnley and the pub by the ground was called The Royal Dyche with the sign being a picture of former manager Sean Dyche dressed up as Henry VIII. Made me chuckle.

  2. Houdini was buried on this site on October 31, 1926; February 11, 1927; March 18, 1927; and July 23rd, 1928.

  4. Some of the ones in the pubs of Aldershot in the Eighties would not be believed today. “If you’re not <list of military units who were on the “turf” list> neither RMP nor CivPol will respond to reports of you being murdered on these premises in timely fashion” or words to that effect.

  7. In Wandsworth Town there is a pub called ‘Spread Eagle’ that’s across the road from another called the ‘Ram Inn’, which made me chuckle because they definitely knew what they were doing.

  10. The Quiet Woman in Earl Sterndale in the Peak District has the best pubsign ever. The woman in question has no head.

  11. Outside the Ring O’Bells in Warrington a few years ago:

    Hungry? We have food!

    Thirsty? We have alcohol!

    Lonely? We have alcohol!

  13. There is a pub in Newport that has a sign in the gents saying “ do not wash clothes in the sink”

  14. An old one, something like ‘No women, No labourers, No sailors, No itinerants’. But everyone just ignored it and always had apparently.

  16. The Mayflower in Rotherhithe – ‘Unattended children will be sold to the local workhouse’. My parents loved that one when I took them for a drink there, even though I’m in my 30s…

  19. “Unattended children will be given red bull”

    “Soup of the day: rum”

    “Dogs welcome with well behaved owners”

  22. From the Traveler’s Friend in Buckhurst Hill, Essex, in the middle of a 30c heatwave at 7am in the morning:

    Today’s soup of the day: Gin.

  23. The Quicksilver Mail, on a prominent junction in Yeovil has a sign outside that’s more of a challenge than anything else.

    COLD FOOD,
    WARM BEER,
    GRUMPY LANDLORD.
    DONT’T BELIEVE US? COME IN AND SEE

  24. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear. Can’t remember where exactly but definitely in Ireland.

  26. Bag of nails in Bristol has an incredible list a few of my favourites

    No cunts

    Daily mail opinions will have the piss taken out of them

    Babies and toddlers must be stored in the cellar

  27. We used to have a sign up in the pub I worked in that was basically a ‘tariff’ for what the staff would say on the phone, should a customer’s other half call up.

    The responses varied depending on the tip given. It basically went like;

    £1 Tip – “Sure he’s here, I’ll just get him for you”

    £2 Tip – “I think he was in earlier”

    £3 Tip – “Nope, haven’t seen him all day”

    £5 Tip – “Never heard of him, doesn’t drink in here, sorry”

  30. In Edinburgh.

    Arrow pointing into the pub ‘Beer this way’

    Arrow pointing up the road ‘I dunno? Maybe bears? I wouldn’t take the risk’

  32. There’s plenty of daft ones in the west country, but the one that first comes to mind is The Plough in Bradford-on-Avon:
    “No food, crap beer, bad hospitality”

  33. “This establishment closes at 11pm. If you haven’t had enough to drink by then, management suggests you weren’t trying hard enough”

  34. There’s a sign up the road from me that just says

    “FREE BEER!!

    TOPLESS BAR STAFF!

    And false advertising”

  35. “Drinkers wanted: apply within.
    No experience needed”

    On a pub in the Peaks: can’t remember where.

  36. Over the lockdown, one pub near me kept their ‘What’s On?’ blackboard outside with just the word ‘nowt’.

  37. “We’re not the best, but we ARE the most expensive” and “Due to the ongoing energy crisis, we will be refusing entry to anyone who does not bring the own blanket and candle. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause”

  40. I saw one a couple of weeks ago that just had a big sign saying “FREE HEAT”.

    Now, whilst true, and seems incredibly helpful – is actually very good at luring people in for a coffee/drink/lunch.

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