Has anyone been told to only finger through the panties?

I had this experience with a female a few months ago that is causing me a lot of guilt and shame. We had known each other for a year or so. One night we get drunk and I eventually go over to her place. We start making out and before we proceed at all, I ask to make sure that she is awake and coherent enough to consent. I assumed that she was but just wanted to make sure. After a while, she told me that she was super horny and I asked if she wanted to go further. She said that she didn’t want to have sex on the first night because she didn’t want to be perceived as “easy”. I said okay that’s cool because I don’t have a condom right now anyways and don’t like to have sex when i am with someone for the first time.

After some more kissing and making out, I asked if she wanted to do things other than sex. She asked what and I said, foreplay, fingering, etc. She said that if I fingered her she wouldn’t be able to control herself. I said fine and just kept the night going. I wanted to be naked with her but I also didn’t want to push her boundaries. she said we would soon, but not tonight.

After more of the same, she without asking, took my hand and brought it toward her genitals. I purposefully kept my hand outside of her underwear and pajama shorts because of what she said earlier. I was confused because she said that she didn’t want to do this earlier. Even after my hand was where her vagina would be just covered by pajamas, she made an intent to put my hands inside her pajama shorts. At that point, she was breathing heavier and I started to massage the outside of her panties, but I assumed that she wanted me to go further, because why else would my hand be placed inside her pants? I thought her panties were in the way of what she really wanted me to do. I moved her panties to the side and then started to rub her clit and finger her. Looking back, I should have asked for consent again even though it felt like a very reasonable assumption at the time. She didn’t say much and seemed into it at the time, and life seemed to move on as normal.

Now she told me out of the blue that she felt uncomfortable and had her boundaries crossed, she said that she only wanted me to massage/finger her through her panties instead of just fingering her. I told her I am super sorry but then also asked why she put my hand there in the first place. She said that I am victim blaming. I asked why didn’t she communicate this to me in the moments of it happening or ever say no/pull away. She told me that she went into shock.?? I was confused because she said that I made her feel safe and we had been communicating our boundaries the whole time up to that point. I swore that I would have stopped if she told me to stop or made any signals that this was not it like I have done with partners in the past.

I told her that I am super sorry, I made a bad assumption. I thought if she didn’t want direct contact with my hand on her vagina, she wouldn’t have put my hand in her pajamas. I was confused that is why I kept it intentionally outside, to begin with. She wanted to feel more pleasure than my hand being outside of her pajamas on the spot, without a direct amount of pleasure.

Is fingering through the panties and vagina a normal thing? When someone without asking takes your hand and puts it outside of their genitals, inside their pants… wouldn’t a reasonable person assume that you want them to touch your genitals. Anyways, I feel like a terrible monster that can’t stop beating myself up. I am angry because I would have never even touched her there if my hand hadn’t been moved but now I am also mad that I didn’t ask for consent a 3rd time. I tried to read her body language and failed miserably.