So, we’ve been together a little over two years now and it’s flown by. It’s been overall good. I love her, she loves me. We live together and have for a while (moved in together at my place for economic and pandemic reasons). We’ve both been through some stuff, both previously married, and generally looking to go in the same direction.
(Backstory) Basically, we were in an accident a year ago where she broke her leg and was out of work for a bit. While dealing the the hospital, doctors, surgery for the leg, etc, they found other health issues. Luckily insurance took care of the first bit and then she was out of work so got the state medical insurance which covers everything. She’s had a bunch of health issues come up which would have cost thousands of dollars out of pocket if it weren’t for the insurance she gets. This also means she can’t really work – a full-time job at minimum wage means she’d lose a good portion of the benefits, plus the off-time needed for doctors appointments and accommodations for health reasons. Most jobs are out. So for the last year+ I’ve been the sole income, which hasn’t been measly but we’re essentially scraping by every month. Credit is maxed out, no savings, late payments, it’s not going great. Used up basically everything.
So a few months ago she asked me if I wanted to get married. Me, being a genius, thinking she meant in a general sense, said yes, eventually. So she immediately told her friends we were engaged, and asked me when I was going to tell my parents. I said we’d discuss it later because there was no way I was going to make a scene there.
We discussed it and I said I’m nervous about it and don’t know if it’s a good time to get married, and she said that’s fine it’ll be a long engagement. But asked me to tell my parents, as it’s important to her, which I get.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t tell them. My parents are… Well, judgy? And it came up over the holidays. And that went well. My partner is upset with me over not telling them, they’re upset I didn’t tell them, they’re also upset that I’d agree to get married to someone without a job who can’t work and they’re worried because I’m scraping by with what I have. They’re worried I’m getting taken advantage of in this situation and she’s now afraid I’m going to leave her. We discussed it and she says she feels like she just thrust herself into my life and I was just too nice to say no… Which may be true?
I just don’t want to get married? Maybe eventually but when the health issues are passed and it wouldn’t financially ruin the both of us? My work insurance is shit, had one doctor’s visit for a prescription review and it was over $500. With a $4,000 annual deductible. And that’s the good one. I just want to help get her on her own feet again and working towards her goals before I commit in writing like that.
Tl;Dr – partner asked if I’d get married, miscommunication and mishandling on my part, lack of communication, etc…
How do I salvage this? Do I? What do I do?
2 comments
Wow. You should have really really spoken up at the time….but that’s spilt milk.
You need to sit down with her and be very clear with her. When she asked, you took the question as rhetorical, not a literal proposal. Yes it will be embarrassing to walk it back with friend and family, but you are not ready to make that commitment yet. If there is ever a time to say NO really loudly, it’s when you are heading to the altar and you don’t wanna.
*We discussed it and she says she feels like she just thrust herself into my life and I was just too nice to say no… Which may be true?*
Well, it sounds like (and this isn’t the kindest interpretation) she is still controlling the narrative and you haven’t stood up for yourself – either then or now.
Regardless you need to air all of this out. Go to couples counseling (or individual for you) if it’ll help.
Love this… tell her this is a pre engagement not an actual engagement. She seems a bit too desperate for this engagement for validation and probably attention from her friends