My partner doesn’t initiate, they don’t go down on me or use toys/hands on me unless I specifically ask, they don’t dirty talk and don’t communicate during sex beyond saying “more lube” or “this isn’t working”, they make me choose all the positions, they don’t do anything when I wear sexy underwear for them (even new ones they’ve bought me), they don’t spend any time or effort on making my orgasms good.

I’ve expressed how unwanted. this makes me feel and nothing has changed. I told them months ago that reading Come As You Are or The Wheel of Consent for me would help me feel like they were making an effort and nothing.

They have responsive desire and need anticipation to get their motors running, so we tried scheduling sex and that hasn’t worked. They’ve told me in the past the more sex they get the more they want so I went down on them every day for a fortnight, gave them great orgasms, and not once did they ask if I wanted anything.

Tonight is New Years and I don’t even want to sleep in the same bed as them, we haven’t fooled around since the 15th and I don’t want pitiful “oh it’s a special day we should fool around sex”. I am bitter and I don’t know what to do.

9 comments

  2. I’m sad that you’re feeling unwanted.

    Usually there are a number of things that lead up to this and many of them are outside of the sexual element of the relationship.

    You will have to have some deep souls searching conversations with your partner and try to figure out where lust went.

    Maybe try relationship counselling.

    Doing http://www.bdsmtest.org together might set some sparks going. Great sex happens when there is desire. It’s clear you want more sexual contact but do they?

  4. I’d agree with Jin-bru. It sounds like you and your partner aren’t on the same page, and that they’re unable to communicate to meet your needs. Couples therapy/counseling is an excellent tool, but it also seems like your partner might not be willing to change. There are a million and one reasons why they’re not enthusiastically trying to meet your needs- none of which mean anything about you or your efforts.
    People often don’t know themselves well enough to communicate why they don’t want to do something, and that often shows up as apathy in a self-numbing effort to avoid the discomfort of the subject.

    I would heavily encourage you to write down your needs, expectations, and hopes regarding the relationship. Come at it with compassion for yourself. You deserve a partner that wants to show an effort. Sometimes someone’s inability to do something takes away their desire for it. It’s not a judgment to realize this, and realize that it might be happening for you partner. And for clarification, I don’t mean physical inability, in terms or practice or physical limitations. I mean emotional inability. You can settle for what your partner is providing you (great conversation, a shared hand in the chores, etc. Any of your needs that are being met by your partner) and process your resentment. Or you can let go of this relationship if it’s not balancing out for you (which is sounds like is the case) and move on.

    I’d like to reemphasize the fact that there are a million reasons your partner is behaving in the way they are. You’ll need to have compassion for them in that they might not be able to see what’s causing them to behave this way. If they aren’t willing to look deeper into themselves (asexuality? fear of deeper intimacy? attachment style incompatibility?), you can’t make them change. I’d recommend you put your cards on the table, invite them one last time to do the same, and if they can’t meet you there, end things and move on to something that meets your needs better.
    Good luck!

  5. what do you mean by saying “they”? I don’t get it. I thought it’s all about your boyfriend

  7. I’d leave now while you have your sanity . I was married for 13.5 years. Would beg to even have my hand held. This is no way for anyone to live. Leave , and take care of yourself. Find yourself b, then you can find someone that will appreciate you and want to play WITH you. Best thing for your self image and mental health.

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