My boyfriend and I have a very loving and generous relationship.
A difference between us is our social lives.
He’s got TONS of friends and likes to constantly meet up with people when he can.
I’m a lot more introverted and prefer having my smaller group of friends who I see one on one. My best friend and I are super close and talk everyday.
I’m perfectly fine with my boyfriend going out to see friends without me, because I actually like having that alone time. It allows me time to decompress and do my work.
However, I find that he tends to want me to hang out with people a lot more than I want.
Within one day, he’d happily have 3 different hang outs with different people. I find that too stimulating and honestly exhausting.
He’s told me that he’s trying to get me more used to it and that it’s good for me. I know he means this in a nice way and I do like the people he brings me to.
However I want to be able to communicate with him that regardless of the company, I need more time on my own and that I don’t enjoy seeing lots of people. It makes me feel like I’m not myself. Like I have to perform for the whole day.
My best friend knows this about me and it’s never been an issue. I do like a good party sometimes and I love to catch up with people. But it needs to be in moderation for me.
How do I set this boundary without seeming rude?
Tldr: Boyfriend constantly trying to get me to hang out with his friends a lot but I’m introverted and it exhausts me – how do I set a boundary?
5 comments
Explain that when you go out a lot like that, your needs are not being met. Tell him you understand that HE has the need to go out and hang out a lot and that is perfectly fine. But emphasize that you do not have the same needs as him in this department.
Maybe suggest a compromise where you’re willing to socialize more on certain days but take a step back on other days?
Sounds like he has a lack of understanding of introverts with the “trying to get you used to it, it’s good for you”. That’s probably the only concerning thing you said. Introvert isn’t a negative and recharging your batteries is done in a totally different way. Expressing to him how exhausted you feel after excessive social interactions and finding a compromise will be the key. You won’t and probably shouldn’t try to get out of all social interactions. If he is opinionated about introverts and needs around social interactions smash him with the science. Do you live together?
Talk to him about the specific needs of an introvert and make him understand how we differ from extroverts. Explain to him that you don’t need to try to get used to being around people all the time because you know yourself and there is no getting used to it. You will always need alone time. Extroverts get energy from being around others, introverts are drained of their energy being around others, no matter how much fun they’re having. It doesn’t mean we’re never social, it just means we’re selectively social.
I agree with the other comments that he doesn’t understand introverts, and like so so so many others in our societies today just believes, incorrectly, that extroversion is right and good while introversion is wrong and bad.
This is a fundamental misunderstanding of introversion and therefore a fundamental misunderstanding of you. If your relationship is to have a successful future, it’s absolutely essential that he understand and support (not just accommodate) this unchangeable, normal, and perfectly wonderful aspect of you.
Get him a copy of the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. If reading this won’t enlighten him, nothing will.
Good luck, fellow introvert!
(ETA: His trying to improve you — saying that being more social is “good for you” — is condescending, controlling, selfish, and infuriating. Nope! Your being more social would be good for HIM and bad for YOU. Let’s be generous and assume he’s doing this based on his ignorance about introversion. If he reads the book and still dismisses introversion as bad for you, well, not sure how the relationship goes forward successfully from there.)