He asked me to visit him and play wii. That was fun, but when I had to leave he asked me if I wanted to continue getting to know each other more. I said yes because I think he is nice and I would like to be friends with him. But then he said he was going to be honest. He told me he have a crush on me and asked if we should continue in that direction. I said something like “I would really like to continue getting to know you, but as friends if that is okei with you. Romantic relationships in general are not for me. But I appreciate that you were honest and told me. And it was nice to see you again and fun to play wii”. He was like “oh okei thats okei” and he looked sad. I felt terrible and still do. Now I keep overthinking what I said and I wish I said something that would not make him sad. He is a nice person and I dont want to make him sad. Should I apologise or send him a message or something? I dont know what to do.
Edit: Thank you so much for the help and advice! It was very helpful and I really appreciate it 🙂
46 comments
It’s ok to feel bad, but don’t overdo it. He’ll live, and ultimately you’re not doing him a disservice by pity-dating him. You’ll both realise this as you grow and become more experienced.
It’s no magical or direct answer for this. Him feeling sad is a natural response. He may also feel rage and try to find a reason to himself why he isn’t “good enough”. Make sure that you ensure him that you can still be friends. And still do stuff together. But I wouldn’t send an apology for rejecting him. It may be a bit awkward but make sure to give him some time
You need to accept that people have reactions to what you say, but you are not responsible for their reactions – that’s their responsibility. You owe it to yourself to answer truthfully, so if you don’t want anything romantic, you need to say that, without thinking about how they may react.
Because if you say things because they will make the other person happy but not yourself, you will end up in situations that make you very unhappy.
You probably want to wait a week or two before sending that follow up message. If he was crushing on you, he needs some time to get over it. Make sure to immediately mention that you’re firmly still just friends so that he doesn’t get his hopes up. Given any wiggle room at all, boys will delude themselves into thinking that there’s still a chance, so you need to be explicit.
He’ll either accept that, or he won’t. It can be hard to tell.
A good sign is if he starts treating you kind of like his bros. Talking about other girls with you is a good sign. Not minding you talking about other boys (or girls) is a good sign. Lots of great long term friendships start this way.
A bad sign is any time he tries to take care of you. Acts of service, any gift, excessive compliments– all signs he hasn’t accepted being just friends and is trying to win you over. If this happens, crush all hope (again: be direct and explicit) and restart from top of this message.
No you should not apologize, and you should consider whether or not it’s actually a good idea hanging out with someone that has a crush on you when you don’t feel the same.
Being rejected never feels good for anyone, but that’s simply a part of life. You can’t go through life and never feel negative emotions, or without causing others to feel negative emotions. You just gotta give it time and let the emotions settle.
You did the right thing, you gave him a clear and direct rejection so he knows where he stands with you. That’s the decent way to handle a situation like this.
The worst thing you could do, is to try to spare his or your own emotions and string him along, making him feel much worse in the long run, and making him pine over something that will never be, instead of moving on and find another romantic interest.
In my opinion you did that just right. I can understand that he’s hurt now, I would be too. Things like that are terrible.
But you don’t have to feel bad at all. It’s okay to not intensify that in that direction. You managed to give that information straight but in a very understanding, soft and friendly way.
Don’t overthink this, he will feel better soon.
you both sound respectful of each other so id say its alright. it will hurt him but its not really your responsibility, you had a choice to make, and thinking about if it’ll hurt the person just convolutes that decision.
don’t worry about it he’ll recover and also you saved him a lot of hassle and time by being so direct with him. He’ll eventually get over his feelings for you.
Too play Wii? Like the 2006 Wii? Lol
you probably should stop seeing him. we men can’t really just flip a switch to think of you as a friend and every moment with you is going to be painful and toxic for him and his mental. if you care do whats best for him
What you did was more than fine, you were assertive by stating how you felt while also acknowledging his emotions. His reaction is outside of your control and the important thing is that you were absolutely clear about what you wanted out of the situation. Do as others said and wait some time before sending a message but don’t feel bad, be happy with your transparency and honesty.
You are still quite young, it will get easier in time but remember to be strong and stay true to yourself. Being either aggresive or a pushover is not healthy in the long run. You handled it marvelously.
I think you did great by being direct, honest, and kind. I understand that it doesn’t feel good when we hurt others, but you can’t control how other people feel, and he accepted the risk of rejection when he decided to tell you about his feelings. It’s not your fault that he’s sad, because being rejected is a part of life, he will heal over time, and that healing is on him.
It’s now up to him if he wishes to continue the friendship. Some people can remain friends while others know that distance is the best thing for them. He might need a week or so to process things. If things get awkward between the two of you after a while, perhaps ask directly if he wants to continue being friends or not. I hope everything works out!
You had such a kind reaction. You said the exact right thing. The only thing you could’ve said that would’ve made him happy is if you accepted his proposal. But that wouldn’t have made you happy. And your happiness is important too.
Rejecting is hard. And you can’t prepare for it. But it has to happen. Beating around the bush doesn’t help either. Trust me, I did that when I was around your age.
There was really no way for this to really go well, if you didn’t reject him, you’d have ended up in a one sided relationship, which wouldn’t end well for either of you. To add, you did it without antagonizing him and even reassuring him that you did have fun.
There really isn’t anything you could have done better, which imo would make an apology kinda hollow. Also I’m not sure if it would help if you show that you pity him. It’s best to give him a few days for himself.
It might linger for a while, but he will get over it eventually.
I also like that you told him you appreciate his honesty, I just think that’s nice.
You did nothing wrong.
It’d be hard for him to not show a little upset in the moment, but he’s probably not too broken up about it, and if he is he’ll get over it sooner or later.
You went about it in the best way you could’ve so there’s no need to feel bad for him.
No you pretty much handled it perfectly. You were not condescending or rude (didn’t destroy his confidence) and you didn’t lead him on and give him false hope (didn’t manipulate his emotions and allowed him to move on).
You’re both very young, and he did a great thing by mentioning the crush early. He will bounce back quickly. Rejection hurts everyone, but it’s a part of life. Do not apologize for being honest. If you want to say something to comfort him (like, “I’m sorry that you felt disappointed in my answer”), be sure to reiterate that you have not changed your mind about a romantic relationship but that you do enjoy his friendship and want to spend more time with him platonically.
It is alright that you feel bad, but you didn’t shoot him down completely either you still wanted to hang out and be friends. I know it’s also super cliche that once a guy is “only a friend” that it’s viewed as a death sentence for a possible romantic relationship later on. Though I have known couples that started as friends and then grew into something more because while they both understood that people change and was willing to reevaluate their relationship from time to time. Most successful long term relationships are those that have friendship anyways.
People are going to reject you too. It’s a two way street. You did it nicely.
It’s normal to feel disappointed when you get rejected. He’ll be fine. Just give him some time.
You did the right thing for the both of you. Yeah he’ll feel bad about it for a while but eventually the pain will go away (you can’t do much about that, that’s just how nature built us and it’s something he needs to go through on his own). This is much better that giving him false hope. Also kudos for phrasing it so nicely without humiliating him or anything like that.
I honestly don’t think that an apology is needed or that it would do much good. Now he needs to be left alone and afterwards, it would just remind him and bring up painful memories. If it’s someone you see regularly (in school, work etc.), then you would do best if you simply never brought it up again. That’s my opinion at least.
You sound like a very nice person 🙂
Just throwing that out there, pardon me if I say something insensitive, but If you do see him again its very possible he will think there’s a chance you’re interested. When I was around that age I was guilty of this.
It will become a problem if you started dating just because you made him feel sad. What you did is right, why would you date someone you don’t even “like”?
Edit: If you start dating him just because you felt pity, I am sure you will be sad with him in the long run.
Don’t feel bad. He let you know up front how he felt, which is commendable because he could’ve kept them disguised and feigned only wanting to be “friends.”
That being said, you were also up front and let him know unambiguously that that wasn’t something you wanted to entertain at this time.
Make sure that if being friends doesn’t really interest him without a romantic component, you limit your interaction with him.
I mean who knows, you might actually like him after getting to know each other well but yeah it’s okay to feel bad
Don’t apologize, you haven’t done anything wrong. It is ok for people to feel sad because of what you said, nobody can always be happy.
Let him heal up a bit and then ask if he is still ok with just being friends, or if he would rather move on so he doesn’t have to confront his feelings for you every time.
At this point, it would be uncomfortable to remain his friend if he still has romantic interest towards you. It would just be awkward.
Next time that happens. I would preface with “yeah cool, I would like to continue just being friends because there’s someone else I’m interested in”. This is the easiest way to let the guy down.
Whatever you do, don’t give him hope of a relationship.
You were honest and that’s very respectable. He probably just had his pride hurt. Just be super nice in the letter to him!
just do what you want to do,
his happiness is not your responsibility
As someone who is 28 and just rejected someone 20 minutes ago lol. Its hard, but its what you had to do. If it makes you feel better at my age I literally agreed to something a couple days ago with this person I matched with on a dating app, then acted like I was excited but then became confused, then said can we do something else instead, and then an hour later said sorry this is not going to work for me. Then blocked their number. I felt so bad, but it had to be done. I am still working on boundaries. Its normal to feel bad but you did the right thing and were honest! That is what matters, hope this helps!! 🙂
Sounds like you both handled it very maturely. Don’t feel too bad about it, of course it’s disappointing to hear but he will get over it.
Nothing to feel bad about. You were honest, and you asserted your boundaries in a healthy way. You can never control how people will react, only how you conduct yourself. It sounds like you did so with grace and poise, so I will reiterate that you have nothing to feel bad about.
Everything you said to him sounds really kind and compassionate.
The fact that you now feel bad *shows* that you are compassionate and care about him, even if you aren’t attracted to him.
Saying no is the right thing (since saying “yes” when you don’t mean it is leading him on and *is* actually a bit selfish/cruel).
He may be reeling from his hurt and need to avoid you, or he might say immature things that he shouldn’t say. But if you have really shown compassion for him he will recognize and appreciate that once the brain-fog of rejection clears. Thats not to say you will automatically be friends (thats a whole different matter), but its the best possible note to leave things on
Never try to make someone happy doing something you don’t want/feel. You were absolutely right…no need to feel bad at all.
The pain is temporary. If you date him out of pity, now that’s long term damage for both of you
You can’t improve that answer. It was textbook perfect and now it’s up to him to learn that you can’t have everything you want in life and that new opportunities will come along much more often than you think right after rejection.
His happiness is not your responsibility. It would be nicer to handle it better but don’t judge yourseld
It’s pretty normal to feel bad when someone else feels bad. But don’t ever feel bad about setting clear boundaries with people. Don’t apologize. You do not have to date every person who is interested in you romantically, especially if you’re not also interested in them.
Keep beeing friends and get to know him . Then decided it’s how all relationships work. Some take longer to know then others so just keep it slow and simple . You did nothing wrong and the majority feels what you did in the same situation. Welcome to the introduction of adult hood . Your on the right path
I was on the completely opposite boat as you. When I was around early 20s, I was thrilled to let anyone down. Now I feel I have lost something. What if we can get along and go further in a romantic way, but no what if for now. So sad…
What you said was great- obvs it sucks to hear but you were honest and aren’t leading him on, and made it clear you still wanted to be friends
It’s not your job to make the other person feel good if you don’t agree with them. Of course they are going to feel bad after a rejection but you don’t change your mind because you felt bad for them. You guys are grown. You did your part correctly and he did his. Move on.
kind of a lot of comments but I think you should be proud of how you handled it, good job!
That’s the nature of rejection, but honesty is important, and you said it with kindness. He will be fine. Sadness is okay, and it passes.