I’m a black man my ‘baby mama” is white with black hair and brown eyes. The kid is white with blue eyes and blonde hair i didnt say anything much i thought maybe her gentics are stronger.But as he got older and older he didnt get darker if anything he got lighter he didint have any of my features nor hers. When i got married and had children i started looking at him more as he looked nothing like my or son not just skin color but face. It got worse as he got older my other son is now 15 and 6’1 child in question is at best 5’2 or 5’3.

I keep feeling anger seeing said child and i asked his mother straight up for a dna test and she said no. I told her either we get one now or i’m taking it to court i tried to look past his looks and things but i know that isnt my son. She didnt say anything else so instead i had them do a siblings dna test.

She threw fit after said son told her and i told her this couldve been avoided if you’d just tell the truth and got the test. I’m being bashed and stuff for wanting a test the test should be here in 3-4 weeks.

35 comments

  1. It’s pretty evident how the results of the test would impact your views toward the mother, but how would they impact your relationship with the child? Is it good now and do you want to preserve it? Is it bad and the test could potentially affirm that? Aside from proving infidelity and gaining knowledge, what is the end game here? These may be questions you want to heavily ponder as you move forward.

  3. Instead of accumulating your anger or fears for years and being hostile to your child and wife, you could have benefited from the DNA tests used at home.

    it’s your kid too and you didn’t have to ask permission from anyone

    If he’s not your child, you’ll have fights over how many people your wife cheated on and how long.

    It will take years for you to act, and now you will prove your stupidity to everyone with your aimless drifting.

  4. I’ve said in other threads, but .y comparison to paternity tests for men is secret nest eggs for woman. I’ve seen this recomendation for woman (having a secret nest egg in the case of abuse) several times, not only on XX Cromossomes but also in relationship subs.

    Every single time it’s the same comments: that if you end up in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship it oftentimes is accompanied by financial abuse, which makes it harder to leave your abuser, and that abusers are really good at hiding their abuse or manipulating the victim to think their abusive acts are normal until its too late (after you’ve moved and left your support network and/or quit your job). In that sense, having a secret next egg as an exit plan is always advised, even if you’re been married for years and whatnot.

    That sort of thread pops up when someone’s SO finds out about the secret cash and either is hurt or freaks out. Whenever that happens women tend to say that if their SO is a real ally that they would understand that they aren’t been called a abuser in disguise or a abuser in waiting and that they would support the wife in having the option of an exit plan and that it would peace of mind and etc.

    Well, i think of paternity tests in the same way. As long as it’s done without a risk to the mother and child (if its done during the pregnancy) and as long as the result is final and never requested again, then i think it shouldn’t be seen as offensive, just a safety net.

  7. Men should get a paternity test no matter the status of the relationship.

    You asked politely and waited several years. Time to let the cat out of the bag.

    I just hope you would stay in his life if the outcome is negative, though the pain would be understandable.

  8. I’m gonna hop on the opposite side of this.

    There’s something like 30% of men raising babies that aren’t theres. That’s a hell of a lot of unjustified emotions, wealth, and expectations being crushed.

    While I’m a firm believer in crazy genetics because of how my family is, get the test. Better to know for sure. Will you be a dick if you’re wrong? Sure. But if you need to know you need to know.

  9. Seriously? You lived all those years miserably and waited? Come on what kind of miracle should this be, black dad, black haired mom with brown eyes, son is blond with blue eyes. Come on. WTF.

  10. If your younger son is 15, I think it’s crap of you to do all this now. If it comes back he is your son then you weren’t a great father to him for years (trust me a kid will know if you feel anger whenever you see them) and if he’s not then you’ll what? Never see him again? Rip out the only father this kid has ever known in his last few years of childhood? This should have been done years ago.

    Btw the sibling genetic test would only prove they don’t have the same dad. You’re assuming that means he wouldn’t be your kid, but it could be that your wife’s kids aren’t yours.

    Genetics are fucking weird. It’s not as simple as high school tells you. Doesn’t that rapper have a blonde hair blue eyed kid? Is it drake?

  12. I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting a test. I say that as a white woman. If baby mama doesn’t have anything to hide why is she not willing to get a dna test? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

  13. I’m sorry for the poor kid that got an idiot for a father that’s clueless on genetics. So you treated him like crap because he doesn’t look like you? You’ll get a shock when it comes back he is your son and you’ll get the worse father award.

  14. Have you ever seen drakes kid? He is exactly as you described. Also, how terrible of you to say f them kids because it turned out to not be yours after so many years? Idk if I’m buying this story. Sounds a lot like the 5000 other troll stories about the eyes.

  15. Was there any particular reason you waited so many years to do the test.
    With or without your exs permission nothing stopped you early on from doing a paternity test when your ex wasn’t around.
    If anything assuming that you no longer live with your ex and live with your wife why did you never do a test after you stopped seeing her? And why a sibling test?

    Lastly, let’s say that the kid is yours, how are you going to reconcile with him the fact that you have seen/treated him different from his brother?

    Edit* fixed a word

  16. Definitely a hard situation. Is the son in question older than 15? That’s a long time to wait for confirmation. All through these years, if you have had this question you have definitely been treating this child differently and he absolutely has been able to tell. I agree with another commenter, there will be no peace from the outcome. The relationship between you and the mom and you and the son in question has to be pretty bad already. What’s done is done but why wait so many years?

  17. My boyfriend has a half black half Mexican mom, she has a very dark complexion, brown eyes, and thick, naturally curly hair that she usually keeps short with braids. His dad is a pale white man with brown hair and eyes. He ended up having green eyes and light brown hair, and unless he’s tanning all summer he’s about the same shade of white his dad is.

  18. Paternity tests should be done by the hospital at birth so men don’t have to go through this

  19. Honestly there’s no clear definitive answers or solutions here. This is why mandatory paternity tests need to be made available before or at birth. It takes the guesswork out of it and prevents situations like this. I’m not holding my breath though. I wish you and your family luck.

  20. When In Doubt DNA test it out. If its making him go crazy over paternity for piece of mind test away. Just gonna eat away at his mind and relationship. Till he knows for sure.

  21. I just hope you haven’t treated the kid with the resentment you’re showing here, he’s innocent in all this.

  24. This seems like the stupidest test you could have done. Why not do a paternity test, why the siblings test.

  26. I mean the height thing isn’t that big of a deal. My older sister is 5 ft 10. Younger brothers and younger sister 6ft 1, 6ft 2 and 6ft 3. Our dad is 6ft 2 fair, green eyes and has light brown hair. I’m 5ft 4 brown dark brown eyes and dark almost black hair.

    It’s always going to be hard for the men in our loves because only the mother (in a natural conception) can be guaranteed.

    I hope you get the answer you want.

  28. OP, you are in a challenging position made all the more challenging because you waited so long.

    If you had questioned this fifteen or even ten years ago, you would not have been filled with so much resentment and the child you raised as your son wouldn’t be in the line of fire between you and your ex.

    Depending on your circumstances getting a negative paternity test also might not dissolve your paternal responsibilities if your name is on the birth certificate. You may need to petition the courts before you can vanish from this child’s life.

    Right now, you are angry at your ex and you resent her child because you feel like she chained you too him for her own benefit.

    You aren’t angry with him so don’t take this out on him. Try to transition from a fatherly role to an uncle role or a mentor role.

    He will be 18 in 3 years. And your emotional support will have a meaningful impact on his life.

    Explaining things like,

    “Your mother lied to me and put me into a position that was always going to hurt you and I. She was selfish and rather than being honest, she lied to get what she wanted. That isn’t your fault, it isn’t my fault. I still want to be here for you, but not as your father. A mentor, a friend, absolutely. But I can’t keep co-parenting you with someone who has hurt me so deeply.”

    Kids are smart and dumb at the same time. Give him the option to move forward, but put in place healthy boundaries. He might lash out, just don’t react. As long as he isn’t hurting himself or others, just let him burn out his hurt and anger.

    Remember, you aren’t the one who is hurting him. Your ex is the one who hurt him.

    Good luck.

  29. Updateme.

    Genetics are very interesting. You don’t know what combination of the bloodline you will get. Hope the kid is yours but you may have just ruined your relationship with the kid, family and SO.

  30. I think you just have to remain calm and collected, you have done the test, the truth will be set free. Hopefully you will be reassured that the child is yours. If the child is not yours, I implore you to not get angry and try to forgive, forget and move on. As you have already wasted time, no use spending more energy on this after you get the test results.

  31. You definitely shouldn’t have waited this long if you’ve thought this since day 1. You never needed her permission, all you needed to do was go buy one, do the test, and mail it in. Now it’s going to make things much harder on everyone, especially the kid and if you’re on the birth certificate it may be really hard to get removed if they will even allow it. If you’re in the US not all states will remove you if they feel it’s against the child’s best interest.

    If it comes back as you think it will just remember 1 thing, it’s not the kids fault. He didn’t ask to be born and he didn’t ask him mother to cheat on you. He’s going to have a hard enough time coming to terms with the fact the man who’s been his father for his whole life isn’t his father anymore.

    I really hope you haven’t been taking any of this out on him. If you choose to no longer be in his life then that’s your prerogative but don’t be cruel about it. I would also hope that regardless of your inner thoughts that you’ve grown to have some sort of affection for him. You don’t have to stay with his mother but you can still be his father.

    I’m saying this as a man who didn’t have a father growing up but was lucky enough to have the best father any kid could ask for come into my life and raise me as his own. I even have his last name . I wouldn’t judge you on either decision but just ask you take into account that he never did anything to you and I’m sure he loves you, remember that in the days to come please.

  32. I’m Indian and black. My husband is Chinese and Vietnamese. My baby looks like a full blown Chinese baby. There’s not an ounce of Indian and black in her. I get weird looks and questions every time I mention I’m her mother. She came out of my vagina and sometimes I look at her like is she really mine? So I can only imagine how I’d feel if I was the dad and not the mom. Genetics go crazy. I hope this eases your mind. If you find out your son is indeed your son. You have a lot of shit to make up for not treating him right.

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