A little background. Teenage sweethearts, been together since we were 16. Now mid 30s, 2 kids and only ever had sex with each other. We weren’t religious or anything like that, we just clicked so well at a young age.
Relationship wise everything is pretty much great, decent incomes, 2 amazing daughters and we agree on virtually everything from political views and religious etc etc.
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The one problem in our marriage is sex, because we got together at such a young age and our only experience is with each other our sex life is pretty mediocre. I’ve always loved sex and I’ll do anything I can to improve, open to toys, I’ll watch videos about new oral techniques to make it a better experience for both of us.
The issue is that my wife is what I thin is called a ‘pillow princess’. Sex is something that is done to her, not something she does. Being together from such a young age and tbh she was way out of my league when we got together I never really pushed back when she didn’t want to do things or try stuff because 16 year old me felt so lucky just to be having sex that he didn’t want to rock the boat.
Blowjobs – tried for like 30 seconds and decided that it made her mouth uncomfortable.
Handjobs – arm gets achy after 2 minutes and she just keeps asking how long till I cum.
Basically anything that requires effort on her part is too much work. She loves having stuff done to her, I’ll eat her out and edge her for like an hour (and yes that makes my mouth uncomfortable but I power through for her) and all kinds of stuff and she really enjoys it all. Its just anything that requires he to do the work she makes excuses for and because 16 year old me accepted those excuses, 34 year old me doesn’t know how to turn round and explain that he doesn’t really want to continue living in a blowjobless marriage. Or in one where cowgirl is considered a once a year treat. 33 year old me expressed an interest in trying some femdom stuff (after years of her being into a sub and me wholeheartedly learning how to do it) and she wont even just ride my face.
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Its been going on for so long that I just don’t know how to have an open conversation about it because that conversation will essentially expose that the past 18 years of our marriage I have been unsatisfied with our sex life but too polite to say anything. I’ve suggested sites lie MojoUpgrade in the past and we’ve done that but she answers no to anything that she doesn’t want to do. Which is basically anything other than her getting eaten out, me using toys on her and sex in positions where I do all the work like doggy, missionary etc.
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TL;DR. I was too polite and never told my girlfriend what I wanted in bed. Now shes my wife and partner of 18 years and I’m worried I’ll spend the rest of my life unfulfilled.
28 comments
Find a sex therapist
Tell her. Meen need to be chased, wanted, needed sometimes. Its a partnership, not optional
Communication is the key. You don’t necessarily have to tell her you have felt unsatisfied in the past 18 years of your marriage but can still be direct with her. Maybe something like, “if you would do xxx it’d be so hot/it turns me on so much” and encourage her like “you’re so hot/sexy/good at this” etc.
As a girl, when I first started having sex with my bf, I used to just lay there and let him do everything. One day he said to me that he’d love it if I could engage in some foreplay for him, yes he felt quite embarrassed asking but I wouldn’t have known if he didn’t tell me that.
Try communicating and be direct with her (in a positive and encouraging way). Remember to compliment and encourage her when she does things for you! I hope it gets better for you both 🙂
I don’t think you telling your wife that you would like to spice things up in the bedroom is being impolite at all. Just be upfront with her.
Not sure if this helps or not, but I’ve been married for 25 years and I’m basically in the same situation, only my wife refuses all oral sex and she’s only down for missionary, not doggie. In other words, remember that things could always be worse! LOL.
You could both benefit from counselling.
Approach the conversation from a NOW perspective. You might have to do some more of the heavy lifting (for now at least). Approach her and say:
*”Hey honey. I want you to know I love you. I wanted to tell you that lately I’ve been feeling unfulfilled in our sex life. I want to work together on solving this problem!! I just feel like I need help communicating my needs, so could you please help me by going to see a sex therapist with me?”*
A statement like this does a few things… It does NOT put the blame on her (even tho we both know she’s a main part of the problem). It comes from an “I” place so she shouldn’t feel hurt or offended. It offers a solution. It also frames it as a request and not an insult or a criticism, so she shouldn’t feel attacked.
If she says “no”, calmly nod and say “ok.” Then ask her why, in a curious tone. She is obviously a smart woman, so she will likely pick up on the non-verbal feelings you have and she might shut it down out of anticipation of embarrassment or in defense. If she can’t articulate why, let her know that she can take a few hours, or a day to think about it, but that you WILL BE EXPECTING TO TALK ABOUT IT. Its not something you will just sweep under the rug. Follow up, an hour later. Follow up the next day. Keep on her until she admits why she won’t go, or what she is afraid of or any reason why.
The first step is asking for help, from someone who could better navigate this for you, so you don’t end up getting into a conflict with your wife about this.
Look outside the bedroom. Both women and men are impacted by stress, etc, but for women it’s just a really, really big deal. If there is a hidden area in your life you don’t talk about (something in the past that was never quite healed) or even an overall sense that the partnership isn’t quite fair, it’s going to show up in bed for her. Interesting logic can come up like, “I do so much around the house, this is his chance to thank me” or things like that. I have no idea what the rest of your life together looks like, but saying that your relationship is “otherwise perfect” doesn’t make it so. Be willing to dig into non sexual issues to get to the bottom of this sexual issue.
honestly? you just have to suck it up that you’re possibly in for a very awkward conversation and some rocky times in your relationship. you don’t have to go in guns blazing like “you never suck me off and I’ve grown to resent you”; you can be gentle about it, like “what used to be okay has slowly become less okay with me, and I’d like to fix it with you. how can we do that together?”. but there’s no getting around your choices being stay shut up and miserable, or put on your big boy pants and bite the bullet.
id hope after 18 years, you’d have enough of a solid foundation and healthy relationship in all other aspects that while this rocks the boat, it doesn’t have to be the thing that capsizes it.
(and fwiw, “pillow princess” is a lesbian only term, and it’s applied to lesbian bottoms who do not reciprocate in the bedroom (usually due to trauma). your wife is what’s known as a *starfish*.)
I hate it for you. I was in the same situation last a few years ago. Went out and cheated, got caught, got divorced this year. Now I can get whatever sex I want, but I also have 500$ a month in child support and don’t get to see my kid but a few days a week. Absolutely fucked no matter what decision I could’ve made.
Man this is such a common thing and Im in basically the same boat, she was my second and I was her first and 15 years later I get to be on top every once a while. Weirdly, there is hope.
I find it difficult to talk about the things I want, and I know she does to. But you have to find a way to start the conversation. Even if it’s not talking face to face, maybe texting or even writing it down on paper.
Im not sure why its been getting marginally better for us, but in the last 4 months something has changed and we are starting to talk a bit more about sex. I even got a full BJ in the shower the other day. Just remember whatever you do, its not going to get solved overnight or in that moment, so I wouldnt be to worried about it unraveling things. Take it slow, bring up subjects and ask her to think about it. Set a date you would like to discuss it again, who knows, but good luck!
Your communication is awful! You need to just tell her. Also, your wife seems selfish. My husband and I met when we were 15 and 16. We were each others first and only. We had amazing sex. We both were givers and made sure to make it as enjoyable as possible for each other.
We were married for 38 very happy years. You need to fix this now. Try talking, if that doesn’t work counseling or sex therapist.
You can have a good marriage without good sex. You cannot have a great marriage without great sex.
Yeah so this is fixed by being honest. Sure things will be bumpy briefly but then you can start talking about what you each want.
Beginning this conversation needs to be done outside your bedroom, during a quiet time between just you too, so the bedroom doesn’t become the “bad place”. Understand that with kids, finding that quiet time may be difficult but clearly this needs to be a priority for your future life.
Let’s also be clear that this isn’t just your wife’s problem, it’s your problem too. Both of you have lacked in communication. Let’s also be clear that you aren’t “exposing that the past 18 years” have been unsatisfied (overly dramatic) but that at some point, it became a more serious issue.
Couples therapy would be a start, if she isn’t open to actual sex therapy. You might also look at the FAQs here at r/sex. Might consider scrolling through with your wife, just so she can see, for herself, the various topics openly discussed and maybe encourage her to look through the topics on her own, so she might come to terms with options on her own.
I think you have a very strong sex drive and your wife’s is not on the same level. I also think you have unrealistic expectations about your sex life. If your wife says no you should respect that…why would you want her to do something that she is not comfortable with?
If you want to discuss sex with her don’t do it in the bedroom. Find a neutral place to talk and don’t say anything negative about her performance in the bedroom.
You definitely need to talk to her about it. Be gentle about it. Don’t use the term unfulfilled, let her know you crave to spice things up. If you want her to “ride your face” place her there. If you want a handjob, put your hand over hers, help her. Blowjobs, you can’t her out with that so you may have to wait on that just a bit. Help her spice things up. While I realize you have been married a long time, some people feel embarrassed or even shy, she only has the experience you two share, just don’t expect her to just jump in, baby steps. Good luck 🙂
You have to tell her what you want. You must communicate with her maybe she thinks everything is fine
Good relationships exist when partners care about each others happiness.
My question for you is how does your wife exhibit her desire for your happiness in ways beyond sex?
It’s important to understand how much your wife actually cares about you as a person. Does she see you as a separate person or are you simply a convenient extension of herself. It seems strange that you would be living with someone who cares about you in all other ways and is indifferent to you in bed. There is more to this story.
Lol this post makes me want to give my man more blowjobs 😂😂
If you’re wanting to save face whilst also being “honest” about what you like, you could say that you’ve noticed that your preferences have been changing a lot over the last couple of weeks/months and you think it’s time to try something new because doing why you’ve always done isn’t hitting the spot anymore?
Talk it over with her and bring in an AASECT-certified therapist sooner rather than later.
Also work on yourself. Are you in good shape? Satisfied with your career and hobbies? Pulling your weight around the house and not making a big deal of it?
I had the same problem (maybe a little more severe) and it ended in divorce despite my best efforts. She only acquiesced to marriage counseling too late… I was sad to leave but it was for the best.
I’ve been here and I had to just work up the courage to have an open conversation with my wife, very similar circumstances, kids, 15-ish years, sex had become one sided, if I didn’t put in all the work it wasn’t happening.
Once I told her that I felt like I always had to beg for sex and that I felt that she didn’t enjoy it she realized she needed to step up her game.
Since then it’s been a fantastic journey. It was a hard conversation, I waited probably too long to have it, or not, can’t tell. But I’m sure glad we did talk because our relationship is wonderful, has always been, sex was the only thing that wasn’t clicking for a while but now it has and it’s amazing. Gets better every day. We’re now both open to new things, toys, role playing, lingerie, kinks, much more frequent, much more fun, it’s made other areas of our relationship better.
It’s worth it to have those uncomfortable talks, we need to work at making our relationships work, we gotta fight for ourselves and for ourselves.
Good luck.
The way I see it the title of your post
is wrong, this isn’t your wife being bad at sex, this is her being a selfish and inconsiderate lover. My guess is that either this stems from her getting used to not have to put in any effort and you never being brave enough to tell her that this makes you unhappy.
The way I see it you have three options, be unhappy, risk offending her, or leave. The middle one seems the best to me.
Are you like this in other areas of the relationship? Where she always gets her way?
If you are mostly worried about how brining this up is going to imply she’s been terrible at sex this whole time, why don’t you emphasize how this is something that has changed for you?
It’s not uncommon for our sexual interests to change over time, and for men especially I think it’s not unusual for the pattern you describe to happen (just happy to be there when you’re 15, need more as an adult, and I actually think as men get even older a lot of them need much more direct foreplay every single time because of the way erections change over time).
If you frame it that way maybe that would make you feel more confident and her less attacked?
You can’t force her to change and to want to do things differently, but obviously she won’t even have the opportunity to change if you don’t tell her.
I feel for you….but everyone is right…communicate.
It doesn’t have to be that you’ve been unhappy for the whole time. It can be that you’re growing as a person and you’re learning you have interests and you’d like to explore them. With her. Broach the subject from that direction. It’s okay for us to grow as people.
Just talk to her. Being together for so long she’ll probably understand. Dont cheat though. You’ll regret it forever
Why does ot have to “expose” anything. Why not “hey. The sex is fine, but it’s been a long time and my needs have changed”
Something that my fiancé and I always ask each other after sex is “what was your favorite part?” and that usually sparks a conversation about what we want more of, maybe what we want less if, etc. So maybe going at it in that direction would help.