My fiancé [23F] of 3 years knows that I [27M] have a bit of an intoxication fetish, as in I get incredibly turned on when she’s drinking. We’ve arrived at an understanding that sex is okay as long as each party is conscious. Well, the other night we may have gotten close to that boundary, and I am not sure how I feel.
I traveled with my girlfriend to another city where we visited her friends from college. Seeing as I needed to work remotely the next day, I went back to the hotel early after dinner while she caught up with her friends. I saw on her snap chat that they were uncorking bottles of wine, and when my fiancé was dropped back off at the hotel, I could tell she was clearly plastered. She was stumbling all over the place and was slurring and hiccuping her way through a rambling rehash of her night.
Nevertheless, she came on to me hard and kept pushing for sex. I relented, but she was so incredibly drunk to the point where it felt a bit wrong. Next morning I mentioned it to her, and she does not remember a thing.
Did I take advantage? Felt like it went too far. How would you recommend tactfully bringing up this topic?
TL;DR
Had sex with fiancé after she had a night of heavy drinking. Feeling a bit off about it.
7 comments
So are you one of those CNC kind of guys or do you think she is into CNC as well?
No memory is a bad sign and its okay to set that as a boundary point for safety reasons.
I think how you feel says everything you need to know. You feel like you crossed a boundary. It sounds like your S.O. doesn’t mind at all. Regardless, if it’s bothering you, I would try to avoid it happening again if I were you.
Boundaries are also for ourselves as much as they are for the other person. If you are uncomfortable with how things went l, even if she says she’s fine with it, it’s perfectly reasonable to say “hey, if you’re as drunk as you were that night again, I’m not going to have sex with you because it feels wrong to when you won’t even remember it”. If it was my spouse I feel that would be reasonable and I’d respect that a lot.
Ultimately, this is between you and her. As long as you’re BOTH fine with it, then there isn’t anything to be concerned about on the sex front.
>Did I take advantage? Felt like it went too far. How would you recommend tactfully bringing up this topic?
Presuming you’re in this relationship for the long haul, I’d encourage you to make a habit of checking in with her. Better safe than sorry. A simple “hey, I feel a bit weird about having sex with you while you were that drunk. Was that ok with you? How do you feel about?” would be a fine way to start that conversation. It’s possible she has mixed and complicated feelings about it too, and you saying this might give her an opportunity to express that.
It’s normal and OK to have mixed feelings about stuff. If it’s too weird, maybe don’t do that again for a while.
On a completely separate note… I hope getting black-out drunk isn’t a common occurrence. I won’t say that overdrinking occasionally is terrible, but it’s not actually a normal or common thing for people to get so drunk they literally can’t remember what happened.
Expecting to honor boundaries when close to black out drunk carries significant risk for all involved.
Dude, if you have spoken to her about it and she has given you consent as your wife then you aren’t doing anything other than enjoying being with your wife in her uniqueness. If she is cool with it, and you have made it abundantly with her that she’s cool with it and the sort of things you may do in that situation, then I would mark it up as just one of the things that I enjoy about my wife. Just be happy she doesn’t want you to like, eat poop or something extreme like that. That’s my thoughts on it.
The bigger problem would be your wife’s problem drinking and your actions perhaps tantamount to condoning or even promoting it.