Everything is all my fault. That’s what the teacher said. When I was younger I developed scoliosis. My mom told me not to tell anyone that I had scoliosis. I started to feel ashamed. I didn’t really understand my feelings. I just knew I felt bad. I didn’t really know why because I kinda forgot that she told me that. Like I didn’t really connect the two quite yet.
I tried to explain to my mom. How I felt I remember I told her that I felt bad but she just thought that I meant I felt bad because of my scoliosis like physically. But I just meant I felt bad emotionally.
I tried several times to explain how I felt. In a way that I felt I would be understood. When I was 13 and later when I was 16-17. I remember telling her that when I was younger she would talk to me more and that now that I was older she didn’t try. She got defensive and said that it was because of me.
Anyways this person that I was talking to kept asking “Did you tell her?” “Did you tell her?” “Did you tell her?” “Did you tell her?”
I kept saying. “Yes, I tried.” “Yes, I feel like did.”
She just kept ignoring everything I said. The fact that I told I tried. The fact that I didn’t really understand how I felt. The fact that I just knew I felt bad. She just kept saying that. Even though I remember specifically telling my mom that I wanted us to talk more. She did the opposite.
How is it my fault? “I told her that I wanted us to talk more.”
“I told her that I felt bad.”
“I told her that she told me not tell anyone.” She just got defensive and explained that she just didn’t want me to tell a group.”
I told her that she didn’t talk to me now that I was older. She got defensive and said that it was because of me. That pushed her away because I didn’t want her to touch my back.
She teacher just said that it was my fault. She just kept repeating “Did you tell her?” “Did you tell her?” What was I supposed to tell her? I could only tell her what I knew and understood. No more.
I was 13! Later when I was 16-17. She would just get all defensive. How am I going to let out my emotions with someone that is being all defensive. I just wanted to have a conversation.