This might come off as rude and selfish, but more and more, when I try to talk to new people I’m interested in being friends with, they seem distant and nonchalant whenever I ask how their doing or telling them about what’s going on with them. It almost feels like I’m getting “I do not want to talk to you, please get the fuck away from me” kinda vibe.
Now I understand that people may have social anxiety or have something on their mind, but it almost feels discouraging when you have one of those super dry conversations that go nowhere, feeling like you wasted time trying to strike up a conversation in the first place. It almost feels more respectful if they just said “Please just stop talking to me” ,rather than pretending to be interested, yk?
I don’t intend to sound like a pushy person, but I don’t really know why this keeps happening. Am I being too nice to people and they’re just not used to that? (Sounds ridiculous but I thought it might be a reason) or is it because people just don’t care enough?
Either way, I started to take notice of this and I’m quite concerned. I don’t view myself as a bad person, and I do understand that people don’t have to like me, but everytime I fail to strike a conversation with someone, it’s just a completely disheartening feeling and gets me down alot.
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In all honesty, sometimes I just don’t have the energy to get into an in depth conversation. It’s tiring.
If these are people you’ve just met, they’re unlikely to open up about personal topics.
Might be worth looking at the context and environments surrounding these interactions. To be honest most people are burned out, stressed up to their eyes and riding that dissociation wave throughout most of their days in this awful “grindset” culture. Someone in the supermarket for example might have a thousand other tasks they’re stressing about. So it’s likely it’s not you friend, it may just be the general setting.
A good way to ensure you get the “right place, right time” more open mindset is seek out groups or classes in a hobby. Things like book clubs, walking groups, D&D groups, art classes etc… Seek out something you’re genuinely interested in and will enjoy. These are all great places to meet people, you also get the added bonus of a shared interest then to take some of the pressure off maintaining conversation.
Try to not always go straight in hard on yourself, especially where others concerned, unless someone has specifically stated you’re the problem it’s unlikely you are. Give yourself the best chance by sussing out the bigger picture and reducing the responsibility upon yourself somewhat within it as it will help with taking the sting out of rejection too as this is normal and common. Don’t be too discouraged if it takes some time as well, finding a good friend as an adult is honestly tougher than finding a life partner sometimes so give yourself grace and compassion, forgive your misteps and keep on keeping on. You’ll definitely find what you seek eventually just keep the chin up and don’t give up! ❤️
What do you mean by new people. People who know who you are like someone who works at the same place as you or complete strangers?
1. Don’t take it personally. There are a billion reasons any individual person may not want to talk to you.
2. If it’s happening constantly, you may benefit from an improved approach. Asking how someone is doing is a pretty lame question. You’re basically asking them to come up with something interesting to talk about. Instead, try to talk about something you could assume they care about based on what you already know about them. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something you care about. You can quickly pivot to your take or something you find interesting about it. I had a great conversation with a girl the other day by simply commenting that it must take a long time to get her nails done and asking how she passes the time. Suddenly, we’re talking about TV shows we both love, our differing opinions on TikTok, etc. But, I opened with the nails, because it was safe and something she clearly put a lot of effort into.
3. I like to have a “daily talking point.” It’s something I care about, that’s on my mind that day, that’s safe and easy to discuss with strangers. Today, I’m looking for a gift for my 6yo niece. It’s a fun question to ask strangers. “Hey, I know this is a bit random, but I need to get a gift for my 6yo niece today, and I’m kinda panicking. Do you have any ideas?” I’ve been getting great ideas all day, but I’m also having fun conversations about nieces, kids toy trends, and the social awkwardness of buying gifts for people way outside your peer group.
yeah man I agree completely. People are just so individualistic and cut off these days it’s hard to break into their “inner circle”. I don’t wanna sound like a boomer but I think social media and smartphones have put up a huge wall around everyone’s social lives and made it harder to connect with people outside of your normal group you’re used to associating with
I try to put myself out there and do things with people; but no matter how close we get, there’s always this subtle undertone that we’re just “acquaintances” and not really friends. It shows in the little things like how they don’t invite you to things they know you’d want to go to, or don’t plan things together with you like they do with their other closer friends. All of their actions equate to “you are just some dude I know, we’re not close and we never will be” even if I’ve known these people since high school or longer.
I’m honestly done trying to become close with people because I just end up looking like a needy, clingy loser who is annoying someone who doesn’t want to actually associate with me. It seems like you’ve basically got to hit the lottery and find lifelong friends in middle/high school that you actually like and get close with, because if you go out and try to meet new people, you will never compare to *their* lifelong close friends, and they will always view you as outside of their close friend group.
I don’t have a single person who I would consider a “best friend” and I haven’t in a long time. Everyone is either consumed in their own lives or with the friends they already have. I’m just some guy they know. I’m about done trying and I think I’m just going to focus on myself and my career instead of shitty friendships.
In what context are you talking? Work, school, on the street?
They most likely have a lot of things going on and don’t want to talk. It’s unlikely to be personal, especially if they are strangers.
After the pandemic everyone has social anxiety, paranoia, depression, and not enough energy to meet new people
Instead of “how you are doing” it’s better as a starter to ask a question abouth what is currently happening in their vicinity (like the weather) or just comment about something and ask for their opinion.
“How are you doing” tends to be a personal question and not many people want to tell personal information to a stranger. And my personal answer would be “why the heck a stranger is trying to pry into my personal life?”
“New people I’m interested in being friends with” doesn’t equal “people who want to be friends with you” unfortunately. Also expecting people to *not* carry on a polite conversation with you is ridiculous, even if it is dry. They are probably bored too. It’s seems like you can read the room (somewhat) and are actively choosing to ignore it and then getting down about something you choose to do…