I am really sad and lost right now.
My fiace (31m) and I (30f) are set to be married this July, we have been together for 6 years.
He has been depressed for a couple of months, I urged him to go see his psycologist and after a session he seemed more troubled.
Finally, today, he decided to spill the beans: he sometimes texted his ex gf for the first four years of our relationship. Even during our first year of living together.
He swears the text were just innocent “hey how its going” or “i miss studying with you at the library” (while I was helping him whith his thesis!!!) but I have no way to confirm this since they have been deleted. They were more frequent for the first year and then 3/4 per year up until two years ago.
He says it was just to let off steam every time he realized that our story was becoming more and more important to him and he never saw her (except one time by chance and he pretended not to see her). There was no intention of physical cheating and no sexting but I have no way to know if it’s true.
I am… shattered. In our relationship since day 1 I begged him not to cheat one me because it was the only thing that could really hurt me and that I could not forgive. I am ashamed, how could I be so stupid to trust someone so blindly?
He has apologized in tears and he swears it was a mistake linked to his insecurity and it’s killing him inside to even remember what he did.
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know who to talk to because I feel so embarassed about the whole debacle. Ending a relationship over some innicent texts seems too much but at the same time I feel like he is a different person and not the man I was ready to marry.
What can/should I do? I am lost, help me please.
2 comments
Text her and find out. Also I wouldn’t marry this man, not now. Yall need couples counseling at least (that’s if he only occasionally texted her and nothing inappropriate) if it was anything more or he’s lied about anything then you shouldn’t even be with him. His excuses smell like BS to me and I wouldn’t trust him at all to be honest and I probably wouldn’t stay with him.
Get the facts if possible. Now that hes admitted to it its probably necessary for you to know the exact extent.
I’m not sure if those convos would have been backed up anywhere on other devices, or within the apps etc, but see if you can ascertain what the facts were.
If things went exactly like he said then theres some degree of hope.
Depending on how long people date, it can take some time for the bonds to fully break. Just as you dont immediately fall in love with people the moment you meet them, you dont immediately fall out of love the moment you say goodbye either, especially if you weren’t the one who called it.
If you cant get to the facts then it would he reasonable for you to take some time away in your own space to mull over wether you trust that he is telling you the truth, or wether you would always be tortured with doubt.
Approaching the ex is laced with danger. She might be a reasonable person who could put your mind at ease, or she might not. Or she just might not want any part of the drama. If you do go down the road of reaching out to her, I’d have him do it. I’d have him text her (or whatever way he used to contact her) and ask if she could send him a copy of their convo because (insert non drama reason, such as phone broke, cant access, or some such) and id supervise his contacting her.
Its not a step I’d want to take, but there is just the chance here that you seeing a sparse convo between them that was as innocent as he says, could help you move on here.
Losing some partners is like losing an old friend. I’m not excusing him, but his behaviour could have been platonic. That’s what you need to establish here.
Good luck my dear.