I (35f) have been with my gf (31f) for 20 months. This is the best relationship I have ever had, she’s intelligent, romantic and beautiful. We have great communication and our sex life is pretty good.
I am becoming a bit concerned about my reactions to sex. Recently my gf had this sexy idea to masturbate while I watched. I went along with it, but quickly realised I found it a bit… offputting. I obviously didn’t stop her or even tell her that’s how I felt but I became worried that I am not as sexually attracted to her as I should be.
I have always found aspects of sex quite gross (with anyone), I am a shower before anything kinda person, I don’t like bad smells or bodily fluids, whereas my gf wants all of me all over her.
Is there anything I can do to get over my negative reaction to sex? Is this something I should be dealing with separately or attempt to work through with my gf?
11 comments
>Is there anything I can do to get over my negative reaction to sex?
Therapy, possibly. It kind of depends on where your reaction stems from. If it’s from growing up in a heavily sex-negative household/culture, for example, that’s something therapists would have a lot of experience with.
But more to your point: it’s ok that things that turn our partners on don’t turn us on. It’s not reasonable to think we’re always going to have 100% of our sexual turn-ons aligned with one another (that said, you two sound further apart than would be ideal, especially if you’re grossed out by bodily fluids and she’s turned on by them).
So you can tell your GF “that doesn’t really do much for me. It’s not you, I swear, it’s just me and my hang-ups.”
She will likely be disappointed to learn this but she can get over it. Like I said: most people are going to have turn-ons that don’t work with their partners and vice versa. It is what it is.
But please don’t say “I found it gross” or anything like that. That’s unnecessarily cruel under the circumstances.
I guess the question I keep coming back to is whether or not the two of you are a good sexual fit or not and that can only be determined by having a series of conversations about what each of you want to get out of your sex life and then seeing where you land, respectively. It may be that you discover you’re more (or less) compatible in that area than you originally realized.
You have preferences, that’s not a bad thing. Some things you’ll like, and some things you won’t. As long as you are not making her feel bad for trying something she is into, then it’s perfectly normal and okay. As long as you are not uncomfortable, let her show you what she likes and you should do the same. Use that good communication you speak of and talk about preferences. I can’t speak for your girlfriend, but if I showed my boyfriend something that I liked and after asked him how he felt and he said “I really liked getting to know more about your fantasies and what you like, I’m working on figuring out what I like as well,” I’d be thrilled. Don’t make her feel bad for your preferences, assure her it has nothing to do with her, and explain what you liked about it and what you didn’t.
I am wondering if you have a low libido. The things you are saying about not being tuned on by her masturbating and being grossed out by bodily fluids is something I read about a lot on the HLCOMMUNITY sub when people are talking about their LL wives.
There is no shame either way. And no shame in not liking what you don’t like. But he very careful here. Don’t string someone along just because you don’t want to lose them if you are not sexually compatible. It’s not fair to either of you and leads to alot of problems down the line.
Some serious questions:
—do you feel this way about sex with everyone… or sex with girls?
—have you always felt this way? Do you find anything sexy, or just nah?
Mention it casually over lunch or during one of your more casual day to day chats. Ask for her input and see if there’s a change that can be made or adjusted. It’s better to be honest with her than find alternatives through third parties. If the connection is strong things like that hardly cause a problem. And if they do then you know where your boundaries are.
When you say your sex life is “pretty good” what does that mean? Do you think you could have internalized homophobia or negative view of sex from a religious/bigoted/repressed upbringing? What’s your sex drive like in general? I think if you find sex in general gross, that might be a deeper issue than just your attraction to your girlfriend masturbating.
Nope, move on and find a person you are sexualy compatible with. It you don’t like fluids and she does then in the long run it will be a problem. You are 30, do you want to have to deal with this for 40 years?
As an asexual person, this sounds very familiar
Idk but I do relate a lot. I’m starting to question if I’m asexual.
I legit just find it gross most of the time. Sometimes I would get into it if drinking but I’m sober now an just feel icky :s
I was like that with my gf and sex for a year and a half. While I’m still a shower before anything kinda guy I have relaxed my negative thoughts to be more open now that I know her habits so to speak. I guess I’m saying relax alittle bit and be alittle more open minded and the sex will be even better (in my experience)
Maybe just give her more hugs and cuddles than you normally do, fully clothed. So you’re both getting closeness and physical touch really good. And then I don’t know, maybe that would make gradually taking some clothes off and keeping the cuddling and petting going while some clothes (panties?!!!) are coming off a little smoother of a transition to being all over each other. Just my one cent.