Travelling around in Europe before heading back home. I checked in a small hostel and saw 2 Australian women sitting together in the dorm. I said “hi” and tried to strike up a conversation, just some smalltalk to create some comfort. I immediately felt a tension of uninterested behavior, 1 only minimum interaction, 2 looking at phone and not looking into my face -all the time!-,3 no smiling only serious face, 4 they didn’t asked any questions back.
I had 0 sexual intentions, they are not the people I feel attracted at. But as a new guest I want to make a good first impression, that I’m a social person and being interested in other people.
Later another guy came in and their behavior changed completely. First I was thinking that they are tired and don’t want to socialize, what is their right ofc. It turned out that they are not tired at all! When the guy came in they had a real conversation. The 2 ladies were focused on the conversation, telling stories and asking each other questions. I was sitting on the bunk bed and felt sad and disappointed. I tried to enter the conversation, the guy was really nice but the girls kept kinda hostile to me. Because I didn’t feel comfortable I decided to sleep that night.
Next day I still feel bad about it. Why did they act to different on me. Is it because I’m a nerdy Asian and not white? I completely don’t know why I got the cold treatment. Can somebody give some analysis here?
(sorry English is not my native language)
29 comments
Only they can say for sure. But not every person will like every other person. That’s just how it is.
No one owes you conversation. They may have known the guy.
You had 0 sexual intentions, okay. They don’t know that. Stop trying to bother people who show zero interest in you next time, no one cares if you are being “nice”.
There are all kinds of people, you need to accept that the person shrugged you off. It may feel bad and that’s okay. But that’s how the world is, a kind of uncertainty. Concluding that the person is not interested in you because you are a “nerdy” Asian is wrong.
I read in a book that you must not assume any reasons for what other people think of you. If someone did not talk with you doesn’t mean they think you are Asian, it may be because they knew the other person more than you. It may be because the person is an introvert and has a limited social battery. I don’t know, you don’t know, we don’t know his reason for that behavior!
So instead of assuming things, just acknowledge that it happened and it’s “normal” for people to do that to you. They don’t have to reciprocate with your energy as you don’t have to reciprocate with other people.
Probably because you barged in and interrupted a conversation they were having. That’s rude.
Not everyone owns you a conversation.
Noob.
Don’t automatically jump to racism – this is how you end up creating a victim mindset and being very hateful towards people. Even if it is – 2 random girls, you will never see them again, who gives a heck.
There could be MANY factors for their behaviour – how do you know they didn’t know the guy from somewhere else?
I have a few clues as to why this feels hostile.
1. You were not confident with the “hi” and follow up with a casual comment or question like “are you guys from here?” or “did you go to this place? I was there yesterday, and it’s amazing”. And you were probably too engaged, regardless of the intent, learn to read the room and move on, like, seriously. If they showed disinterest, then that’s your answer. Take the loss and leave.
2. How people behave with you and someone else is also not in your hands, I’ve seen a girl who was being a bit cocky to another guy and was friendly with me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe she liked me as a person? I wasn’t trying hard. But it is what it is.
Some suggestions:
1. Stop describing yourself as nerdy Asian. You are Asian, I see women use it with negative connotation, like something is wrong with being a nerd, and I find it annoying myself. This is cruel. Nerds invent some of the amazing stuff.
2. Don’t enter a conversation without clear clues, if you are not invited non-verbally, like body posture on your side, and trying to make eye-contact, don’t bother, this ensures that you are taken seriously and maintain your own boundaries.
3. Racism is possible, sadly, even this comment section is not helping you and viewing you negatively. Learn to take lessons not personally even if it hurts, this too shall pass. As I got older I understand, not everyone will like you and it’s okay, protect your heart, just find positivity in all situation and understand yourself.
4. Above all, love yourself, regardless of anything. Only when you do, people will like you. Romantic relationships are not guaranteed, but self love definitely is. Touch your own soul and tell yourself that you love yourself.
They just dont find you attractive and the other guy, well they did…
Other dude had more to say than just hi. Bruh, carry a convo. Im Asian too. It does take more work to win people over but don’t use the race card, that’s lazy
Either because you’re a nerdy asian or because you’re ugly, it’s simple really.
They don’t know your good intentions. People specially women are raised to just be careful with totally strangers..
No sexual intentions
Makes a post about it recounting how another guy got better treatment
Pick one my guy
tone of your voice, attitude, way you present yourself is different from culture to culture, your totally normal there but not here, that could be what is happening
They didn’t wanna talk to you, for whatever reason. The key point is you don’t know the reason behind it. And, like everyone else has said, no one owes you a conversation. That’s just the harsh reality. Also you don’t know why they talked to the other person, so try not to assume it’s racism and take it personal. Yes, that is easier than said, I know, but you gotta let this go man. No one vibes with every other person on earth
sometimes you will never know. theres not enough information to reach any conclusion. maybe its you, maybe its not. maybe its them, maybe its not. maybe its both sides.
how they reacted to you doesn’t have to be a reflection of your social skills. not everything has deeper meaning. we are all ppl, and ppl are complicated and sometimes we are just simply not compatible socially. no one is bad or good, and this event is not a reflection of character or value (yours or theirs).
if this is not a pattern in your life, i dont see why you should be over concerned about this.
Some people just won’t like you for no reason, and that’s ok. Others will. No big deal.
Aww, I’ve felt sad before when people at the hostel didn’t like me!! Don’t read into it. If you can make any positive changes from the experience, do, but don’t let this make you a less pleasant person.
I solo travelled around SEA. I’m also Asian too (born in Australia). I found backpackers and travellers (even Aussies!) never really striked up a conversation with me. That’s just how it is. Is it racism? Not really. Humans have first impressions, especially when it comes to meeting new people in new countries. I found hostels were the go to place for Western backpackers and rarely any Asian backpackers. Travellers just have less exposure to Asian travellers and are less likely to approach one. Simple as that. Did this stop me from attempting to socialise with other travellers? Absolutely not. If anything, it was more of an incentive to get myself out of my comfort zone and make an effort to socialise. You should understand that there might be a racial issue at play here, but never let that stop you.
If you seem like an interesting and confident person, regardless of what race you are, people will want to chat with you. As others had said, no one owes you a conversation. Like any social interaction in life, some people will welcome your presence, and others won’t.
You can read more about people of colour social experiences travelling in r/backpacking. Your experience is definitely not uncommon!
It’s very likely because of your race/aesthetic/demeanor. Read into the halo and horn effect; it’s unfortunate, but this is how humans are.
Could be that they’re just racist. Please don’t think too much about them. Next time something like this happens, just disengage. They aren’t interested.
There’s not enough info here, and I don’t think there ever will be. Sometimes people just aren’t interested in talking to you-especially if you are a man trying to talk to strangers. You can only control how you react in those situations.
The best advice I can give is to work on your confidence and go to events that are specifically for people to meet each other. If you are confident, getting turned down for casual conversation won’t affect you as much.
Maybe there is a cultural difference, maybe they are biased towards people that ‘look’ like you. Maybe they’re just having a bad day. I have just recently begun travelling the world and one thing that has stood out for me in all my social interactions is the fact that there are always a hundred things going on behind every human interaction, from all parties involved in the interaction.
reasons why you mightve gotten the cold shoulder
1. youre not attractive.
people are more welcoming towards attractive people even if they dont have any sexual or romantic feelings for them, just because theyre nice to look at.
2. youre not confident
very similar to reason one. insecurity is unattractive.
there is almost zero chance it was racism.
If it’s any comfort, I find Asian faces more beautiful than other faces. I also like geeky people.
You would have been far more likely to get a positive response from me. The other guy might have been out of luck though.
This is why i never approarch womens, i’m afraid that this could happend to me tooo.
Well i could advive to try to talk people in better places, like a bar o a party, not in a random location in the city.
I’m a nerdy Asian and Australian women explains everything lol
I’d say dont read too much into it. I get this has been playing on your mind and it sucks to get ignored by people when you’re trying to break out of your shell, and it really does suck a bunch of weenies when it goes wrong.
The best piece of advice i want to give you, is would you be friends with these people? Would you encourage your friend or others to do the same?
If they weren’t interested in chatting to you, even taking third party guy out of the equation, are they really people you’d want in your life?
You’ll likely meet some cool as shit people on your travels. Even if you don’t, have a fun time yourself! Don’t let a couple bad experiences sour a great thing. And dont put too much weight on two people you’ll never see again 🙂
It’s probably because either, they sensed your desperation to have a social interaction, or to put it bluntly you are ugly 😉
Most women are closed off to strange men who approach them in public, for good reason. Maybe they knew the guy previously. You don’t know their relationship and can’t assume that the only reason they weren’t interested in you is racism.