My boyfriend (20M) & I (20F) have been together for almost 5 years. He has been recently thinking about whether he wants to be single or continue our relationship. I thought we were in a good place in our relationship, so this surprises me a little. I still want to be together for awhile (or at least still live with him) because I can’t entirely be on my own. I don’t have my license which is the only thing holding me back. Otherwise, I would probably leave.
We both want different things for our future. He wants the typical life that almost everyone has (having kids, getting married) while I don’t want that. When we got together at 15, we weren’t even remotely thinking about what we want for our futures. Now that we have had multiple conversations about it, I can actually kind of see why he may want to break up.
I am a really negative towards myself. He has pointed out that it’s another reason he would no longer want to be together. I do try to work on myself everyday, but it’s really difficult considering I’ve been like this for 10 years of my life. Breaking up would make me feel worse about myself, like I wasn’t good enough for him & couldn’t fulfill what he wants in life.
This DEEPLY hurts.. a lot. This is the only relationship I’ve ever been in that has lasted years. We’ve done a lot with eachother so I can’t just throw away this relationship like it never happened. Any advice on what to do would be really helpful right now. Thank you.
2 comments
For a relationship to last, you have to have basic compatibility. You need to be on the same page when it comes to the big things in life, money, sex, religion, lifestyle, etc. If you don’t want the same things in life, staying together will lead to a lot of suffering for both of you.
Breaking up now will hurt, but not nearly as much as it will in 5 years when you can no longer ignore the fact that you both want wildly different things.
This makes a lot of sense. Neither of you are the same people you were at 15, 17, or even 19.
As you gain life experiences your interests and values will develop & change. You might grow together in the same direction, or more likely, you will grow apart.
This same pattern will repeat itself throughout your early 20s and begin to slow down as you reach your 30s. But it will definitely continue throughout your life.
At each turning point, you’ll have to decide what compromises (if any) you’re willing to make to continue your relationship.