My therapist and I are working on setting boundaries – especially regarding my mother’s over-involvement in my life.
My mom is a housewife that lacks friends/hobbies and my family is estranged from the rest of our relatives so I know that she is very alone. As a result, she focuses a lot of her effort into emailing and texting my brother (30M) and I.
The main problem is: These emails aren’t really emails – they are just links to news articles that may or may not be related to me/her without any real message. Most of the time the subjects are either things I don’t care about (parents group messages from my undergrad college) or that I wish she would not care about “i.e. my boyfriend’s place of work laying off people.” I do not want her opinions on my life. I get multiple emails a week and a text nearly every day. I do not reply to them or encourage her to send them. I’ve tried to limit my contact with my parents to a weekly phone call. I did go no-contact for 3 months when things were very tense between us (literally on whether or not to go to grad school).
We don’t have the closest relationship partially because of her strong opinions (her way is the only way, even now, even if it’s out of touch with the world) and partially because it just becomes so much effort.
This may make me a terrible person – but I don’t want the extra contact. However, I don’t want to cause her harm or feel guilt-tripped either. There was one time she said about my close high school friend (“she’s not even going to grad school, you shouldn’t be friends with her”) so I repeated what she said back at a later date (“you don’t even want me to be friends with her since she’s not going to grad school”) and then she hung up and called back crying. It turned into me comforting my mother when I was still upset with her.
I don’t know what to do because these email/texts are very frustrating to me. Every time I get one, it feels like my mom is prying into my life. Most people would be happy or grateful their mom wants to interact with them but I feel so much better with the distance. It’s not fun or calming or insightful to talk with her, it is stress and avoiding judgement.
Blocking/filtering is not likely an option because once every 20-30 emails there actually is something important. She has lived in my spam for awhile and that became an issue.
How do I tell her I don’t want her messages without upsetting her? Is there a way to tell parental figures that they’d benefit from friends/hobbies? How do I make my mother realize that her anxiety affects me negatively?
I do realize that I am part of the problem and that my own anxiety, depression, and history warps the way I interpret her probably benign but annoying emails.
Any help or perspective would be appreciated.
TLDR: Mom sends many emails/texts a week. They are unimportant. How do I ask her to stop nicely?
5 comments
You can’t control her you can only control yourself. If you’ve expressed that these are not helpful to you and what type of communication you prefer (weekly checkins, her to stay hands off your life) then it’s time to recognize this is who she is, and you need to either block or ignore. If she has actual pertinent information she can call you.
What if you set up a filter so that all emails from her went to a designated folder, so you could decide when and how often to review them? This might help you gain control over the situation, while also ensuring that the important emails are things you have access to?
As for the conversation, that is a tough one. It honestly sounds like your mom is lonely. Maybe approach the conversation from that perspective and speak to how a certain hobby or volunteer opportunity benefited you?
Ultimately, you know your mom better than any internet stranger. I would definitely recommend you take into consideration the likely outcome. If you think there is a chance a conversation will help her, go for it. If you think a conversation is going to have little benefit and ultimately make things worse for you, take measures to protect yourself.
My mom, who I love and consider a great friend, once told me that when you are an adult, you sometimes realize they just because someone is your family doesn’t mean they deserve room in your life. You make your family. If your mom doesn’t make you feel good and respected and loved, maybe she needs to have a smaller space in your life?
“Hey Ma, I appreciate you trying to help, but you send so many emails it’s making my phone run slow, and I need it for work 😂Can we talk about the topics you’re sending me on the phone or in person instead?”
After 9/11/2001, my dad got involved in a bunch of conspiracy theories and sent me and his whole mailing list his little “articles” about them. They bothered me, both because 9/11 was upsetting and because he came across like he was looney tunes.
I asked him to take me off his list. This worked for a few months and then the emails resumed. I had to ask him a second time. I did so without any furor, just a matter-of-fact request. This time it worked.
You might try just asking her flat out, and then repeating as necessary.
hey look, there’s a button that says DELETE.
I wonder what it does?