I(F) have a boyfriend and I love him more than anything. He’s perfect in every way and I don’t see myself with anyone else romantically. He truly is one of a kind and I’d never want to break up with him especially now. The problem is, I really want to go explore my sexuality. I believe because we’ve been together for so long and I’ve been with him from a young age that I’m missing out on things I should’ve done when I was younger. I think I might be interested in girls but I’ll never be able to truly find out if I can’t experience what it’s like to physically be with one. I also want to know what it’s like to be with other guys because my only impression of sex comes from my boyfriend. We’ve talked about this before and he said he wouldn’t feel comfortable if I had sex with another guy. He also said he’d only allow me to hook up with a girl if we were having a threesome. A threesome is very hard to coordinate tho. Idk I feel like I’m missing a big piece of my identity but I don’t want to lose my boyfriend so I feel stuck
4 comments
No you’re not horrible but it’s tough situation. You really shouldn’t settle down until you’ve sated your curiosity. If you do later in life you’re likely to succumb to your curiosity after the honeymoon phase of your relationship is over and things are less exciting. I’ve known marriages that have failed for this exact reason even though nobody was unfaithful. There’s a lot to learn about sex and relationships and without enough experience you really can’t tell if who you’re with is your “The One” or just someone you value and get along with. So you aren’t horrible but you still might need to end the relationship to get the experience that you need.
To answer your question: no, you’re not horrible for wanting multiple partners.
HOWEVER, I can imagine that your boyfriend does not want to get roped into this. A monogamous relationship is a promise of exclusivity. It’s an unwritten contract that binds two people together.
Have you considered his feelings in this? I’m guessing your voiced desire to have sex with others hurts him a lot, too.
Having sex with other men won’t help your monogamous relationship, and the way others use your body will certainly not have any positive effect on your identity.
You cannot have both; it’s one or the other. Check in with your boyfriend emotionally as well; this stuff can be quite traumatizing for him.
It’s not wrong to want, but you need to realize that you had previously agreed to a monogamous relationship, and asking for this is effectively breaking that agreement. If your partner didn’t enthusiastically choose non-monogamy for themselves, this will likely end your relationship. As it is, your relationship as you know it will be over and you both will need to be willing to build with new boundaries and agreements. You both will need to be willing to do the hard emotional work that goes into having a non-monogamous relationship. I’d encourage you to spend at least the next several months researching non-monogamy, reading books, listening to podcasts, etc. before you take any physical steps to open up. And then *don’t* move forward unless both of you are enthusiastic about it or you’re willing to end this relationship in order to pursue others.
You should also know that within the ethical non-monogamy communities, a “one-penis-policy” is not supported by the majority. The idea that a relationship with a woman is less threatening to your existing relationship with a man is rooted in both misogyny and homophobia. It also points to insecurities within the relationship that are a clear sign it’s not secure enough to be opening up. This is especially true if your boyfriend is going to be dating other women. The relationship should have equal freedom on both sides.
Also, a threesome isn’t *that* hard to set up and it often has a lot less emotional strain than the independent relationships you’re suggesting. I think you’ll be surprised how many women in the bisexual/lesbian community don’t want to be the first experiment for a bi-curious woman- particularly one who is partnered with a man. Threesomes, on the other hand, have discount boundaries and a start and end. There’s even websites where you can post looking specifically for a threesome partner.
So this is my 2nd reply after finding out, based on your other posts, you’re only 16. The likelyhood of your current boyfriend being your “the one” is almost none. He’s not being unreasonable wanting you not to sleep with others but you also need to learn and explore more. I’m not saying to end things with him and go jump into bed with others more that it is pretty likely that your relationship will eventually end and you can explore more then. At least show him the respect of breaking up with him before you sleep with anybody else. You can still learn and explore plenty with him before you need to sleep with anybody else. But before you commit to settling down with anybody you should be able to answer the following questions are you LGBTQ, kinky, vanilla, into BDSM, monogamous or polyamorous? That you’re young and have been sexually assaulted also makes it likely you’re going to be uncertain about some of your feelings going forward I hope you’ve recieved at least some counseling and hopefully it’s ongoing. This would be a good subject to discuss with a counselor who knows more about what you’ve been through than random people on reddit trying to address a single question that likely is more complicated than we understand. ✌