Two people can experience the same situation entirely different ways. How do you reconcile the different perspectives you have from your spouse?
When I describe the early years of my marriage, albeit clouded by the affair fog I am recovering from, I tell the story of a resentful wife who hated being home with our two toddlers, who was clear about her needs and my expectations of my husband, and who fought with him constantly. I remember some good things, but I have to work to really remember them.
My husband tells a very different story. He doesn’t think we fought much at all. He says he tried to meet my expectations but he experienced a coldness from me that he felt embarassed to talk about at the time. He saw us as working together to make the early, strained years of our marriage work. He believed me when I told him I would never consider divorce and would never look outside of our marriage for inappropriate ways to get my needs met. As a result, he thought things were good because – as far as he experienced it – we never fought. His story is so focused on the limited times he got to take time off of work, when the kids were born, taking them to the zoo, our date nights, the few vacations we took.
When all things are considered, we lived the same time together. I’m sure we aren’t alone in this type of thing.
How big is the gap between you and your spouse and how do you bridge this gap? Does it cause major problems for you?
6 comments
There’s no gap for us. The gap happens when you let a third party influence your marriage. Your brain starts to rewrite history. Your affair partner is absolutely perfect in every way, your husband is just a shitty excuse for a man (this is affair fog).
Does your husband know about your affair?
Perception is reality, so how he perceives the past is his reality and same for you. No need to bridge the gap because it’s in the past, and you can’t rewrite history.
Refocus your attention to the present day and towards your goals for the future…
There’s always 3 sides to a story. His side, your side, and the truth. The way to bridge the gap is communication and trust. Communication to get as much of the issue understood as possible, and trust to cover any missing pieces of understanding.
Our gaps are more along the lines of “that happened in 2017” “no, that happened in 2014”, not a perception gap in how strong our relationship is or was at any particular time. We’ve always communicated how we felt, and importantly, *listened* to how each other felt, so we generally accurately know how we each experienced something.
I know my husband loves me and only has my best interests at heart and hes a great person.
So any time we disagree I know its not a bad thing and we just need to keep talking.
But this is only on issues we need to decide together. My husband is his own person hes free to have different views than me.
It sounds like this is not what you are talking about but potential gaslighting.
You are talking about difference in realities. This doesnt exist for us
Check out /rsupportforwaywards for some insight. Oftentimes wayward spouses rationalize their cheating by making things seem worse than they were in their relationship. Especially when you are not looking to your affair partner for help with the stressors of life it’s easy to compare the fun and validation as great compared to your spouse who actually deals with the day to day problems you face.