I am in a relationship with my partner, it’s been two years. We got engaged after a year and a half of dating.
At first, we were having consistent really hot sex. But for the past.. 6 months (maybe even a bit more) we have not.. we still have sex but not enough to satisfy my needs. I may have a higher sex drive than him.. but it’s getting annoying that we only seem to have sex when he initiates it (and I never refuse because I’ve been wanting to for days) .. if I initiate he’s “tired”, “watching a show”, “doesn’t feel like it”. But that’s like 9/10 of me asking.
I have talked to him about it many times. He makes an effort for a week.. where we would do it like 3-4 times that week.. and then he goes right back to how he was (not asking me for it or offering or refusing when I ask) or we argue about something and then I don’t want to sleep with him anyways ..
I don’t know if it’s me or him.. I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do .. a part of me wants to leave .. but it feels so crummy to do that..
am I weird? Am I asking too much? Is he just not into me and i don’t see it?
Help?
EDIT:
Stop private messaging me. I am not interested to have convos about sex. I came here with a real concern.
Thanks .
7 comments
This is unfortunately hard to overcome. You two seem to have different libido and this is one issue that for many can’t be changed. Every person is different.
Have you two considered couples therapy?
Most likely it’s him.
Does he masturbate a lot, or use porn? Often men jerk off to porn and have no energy left for their partners.
I can definitely say when I’m jerking off and using porn, I actively try to avoid sex with my wife sometimes. But when I’ve gone months without masturbation and porn, I must have her like twice a day
you’re not weird, or asking too much, and he is very probably quite into you.
he might maybe be depressed… or you guys just might have different libidos. the same thing has happened with me– i tend to want about the same amount of sex as in the ‘honeymoon period’… because i feel pretty much the same way about my partner. obviously attraction deepens, but i feel just as excited and amazed to be with them and appreciate of them and everything.
apparently most people don’t experience that. life gets in the way. or, again, some people have lower baseline libidos.
you could see a therapist, with a focus on your sex life; you could see a sex therapist. you could see if he’s willing to be more affectionate or attentive in general– imo those are fair asks– you can’t make someone change their libido but you can ask that the rest of the relationship improve, give you some of the things sex would give you.
otherwise… i would just sit him down and have a serious conversation, out of the bedroom. ask him what’s going on, how he feels about you, if anything is the matter, if there’s anything you can do to help get him in the mood more?
if you guys are sexually incompatible, if the mismatch is too much for either of you… it’s ok to leave. it’s not crummy of you– we all want a partner who meets our needs, that’s the whole point of partnership. if a lack of sex is distressing you, you’re perfectly allowed to find someone with whom that won’t be a problem.
Do you both know about responsive and spontaneous desire. It could be mismatched libidos, but he may also be responsive desire and there are lots of useful things can be done if thats the issue or part of the issue.
You know sometimes people get a little worn out or find certain things to be less arousing if it’s frequent. Like they develop a longing for it after not having it for a few days, I was just starting to crave a burger after not having one for a couple weeks. I’m looking at videos of burgers and thinking about making burgers and planning to get one. If my partner offered me a burger every night I might get a little bored by burger number 8.
I don’t know what he likes but maybe you can do a little research on him. Just for example, people like different ways of initiating, like I HATE when my girlfriend looks over at me and says “wanna have sex?” For some reason that’s a turn off, but if she says “I want you to go down on me” that’s like a 9/10 turn on. My brain likes knowing what she wants and it’s a turn on having a specific activity being offered. But what does he like? How would he like to be offered sex?
My partner likes having things set up. Lay out the sex toys on the bed, clean up the room, pick out something for her to wear.
Would he like to talk about sex before hand? Does he like dirty talk and sexting to get him going? Share some porn or erotica? The day of or days in advance? (“ohhh this is so sexy, I’d love to do that with you. Do you like that?”)
What if some days you told him you need a good orgasm tonight and you’re going to the bedroom to enjoy yourself? You can tell him that he can watch, or participate, or just play video games out here, no big deal.
Does he have some fantasies that he wants to try or incorporate?
Does he exercise? Does he work like an asshole all day? Because nothing takes the passion out of your love life like a 60 hour work week
It’s him. Obviously. Maybe take some time apart. It’ll make or break it in all likelihood.