We are both divorced, with kids. She’s 32, I’m 41. We have been dating since August. It has been great, blissful even, and the future is bright.
I came from a dead bedroom. I’ve lived and loved a lot, she hasn’t had much experience. Sex in her marriage was not great. No oral for her, no focus on orgasms for her. She was very attracted to him, their sex was good early on, but he had drug problems and they lost their passion. Sex between her and I has been very very good and plentiful, she is outrageously generous, she has a freeuse kink and doesn’t know it, and she definitely enjoys feeling wanted and sexy.
The problem is, she doesn’t orgasm with me, and it makes me feel selfish. I have always been generous in bed, but now there doesn’t seem to be a goal or destination. She doesn’t even an orgasm as an option. When I questioned this, she seemed embarrassed to tell me that she doesn’t really finish during penetration. She was surprised to learn that lots of women don’t finish during sex alone.
Alone, she says every night she has 2-3 orgasms, which takes about a minute to achieve. The orgasm lasts about 5 seconds, then she waits a minute before doing it again. She is oftentimes not turned on, but this is more about a bedroom routine. She uses clitoral stim with one hand, and inserts a shallow finger with the other. She’s been doing this her whole adult life. She stopped this with roommates in college, and when she lived with her ex. She didn’t feel less sexually satisfied not doing it.
She seems so wrapped up in my pleasure that she can’t focus on her own. But all I want is to get her to the finish line with me! I’m very confident in my oral skills (strong reviews! Ha) but I haven’t been able to get her to climax.
It’s been a long time since I had to be more educational during sex. I’m the first guy she’s been with since her ex, and they were together for eight years.
– I’m not really sure that she is having actual orgasms when she masturbates. There’s definitely a finish line for her, but she doesn’t really seem to believe in the idea of a mind blowing earth shattering orgasm.
– She gets horny and turned on, but in her mind, that never translates into a focus on her pleasure. I don’t think she gets horny often when she’s not with me.
– This is my trauma, but I’m so worried that without her having better orgasms, we would evolve into a dead bedroom when the relationship matures.
I want to help her have big finishes with me! Give me your thoughts on how to work towards that???
4 comments
Good write up, good question. This is an interesting one.
I’ll try to think on this some more, but my knee-jerk response is to have you try edging the shit out of her for a long time (like all-day-foreplay then a bunch of mini-attempts. Not to the point of exhaustion, but get that threshold as low as you can before the main attack.
Have you asked her about her about demo-ing her technique in front of you (i.e. mutual masturbation)? If she can get there on her own she may just need some time/space to get comfortable getting there with you present, especially if she comes from a situation where her pleasure was not just secondary, but not at all a thing. It can be a lot to go from something like that to someone like you who is so invested in her pleasure in that it can add pressure. If she’s in her head at all about it, it will only get worse.
Honestly I feel like I’ve almost been in the same position as your gf(?) Except I was never married. The first relationship I was in was for almost 9 years and spanned from when we were 17yo (so he was my first and only for quite awhile). I know for myself that because of the nature of the relationship with my ex, I just almost learnt to kinda not care for my own orgasms or even “know” what turned me on in that sense like being pleasured by someone else. It definitely felt alien to me once we broke up and I had more sexual partners. For years I continued to not “care” or prioritise it until it became almost a negative in my current relationship. I actually started to feel unappreciated etc and because I basically “trained” him for almost the first year not to care as well, it was a big learning curve to get out of it. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe she doesn’t know *how* to with someone else? Sex, especially orgasms are a SUPER mental/emotional thing for females so maybe it’s also a matter of her being disconnected from that and perhaps not feeling able to “let go” as such? Maybe it’s a matter of trying things out and her learning what she enjoys and you helping facilitate that? Idk, it can definitely be changed! Goodluck
When it comes to understanding women’s sexuality and orgasms, I will always recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It has taught me, a woman who thought she was extremely knowledgeable about sex and women’s anatomy, so much about my body and sexuality. It can really help her to understand her sexuality and body, and it can help you do the same.