This is hard to post but I have no one to go too.
My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore and it’s driving me insane. She said she doesn’t have the desire and that it hurts and could be hormones. I asked does this mean forever and she said yes. I know she’s going through hormonal stuff.
Ok I know she’s not cheating on me. And yes in the past she said it does hurt and I was careful or stopped. So yes it does hurt. And yes I believe it hormones.
But when I asked her about trying to get the hormone thing fixed she doesn’t want too. Having sex hurt I believe we can work that out.
I then mentioned to her about seeing a marriage therapist. She refuses.
She said to me why can’t you just accept that?
This is like leaving me in the dark. She’s cold about it. And when I go to touch her she shues me away. I feel like I’m a nobody or a piece of crap, like a stranger trying to touch her when she shues me away.
Ok there are issues that could be the cause which are financial. We are in a bad financial state right now and trying to work through it. She also was layed off after 33 years and is having difficulty finding a job with the same pay. She has experience in the administration field in a world renown college but has taken warehouse jobs in the past but has been through them because of the physics challenges.
I’d like to say that I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2017 and have been in remission since. But the reality is treatment prolonged my wife and most likely I won’t live as long as I would like.
I love my wife dearly and not only that I think she’s the hottest woman on this planet. Every time I look at her she’s so damn sexy.
This is driving me insane and I can’t sleep. She says she loves me but when I ask her do you want to still stay married she won’t give me an answer. She says why can’t you accept being married like this?
To me like I said could mean some things. I know she’s not cheating on me. Yes it’s most likely hormonal and yes it hurts. But to me to refuse to have sex and say it’s not temporary and why I can’t accept that.
Any help please.
32 comments
How old is she? Has she seen a Dr?
It sounds like she’s gone through a LOT in the past few several years. Likely being a caregiver through your cancer treatments, the layoff you mentioned suddenly taking her out of the working world, financial difficulties…. stress and emotional/mental exhaustion can absolutely be a sex drive killer.
At 59, if she hasn’t already been through menopause, she’s probably getting there. Dryness, vaginal atrophy, etc can make for pain during sex.
If I were you, I’d back off the sex thing for a while. Pushing her to attempt an intimate act that causes her physical pain would probably just cause more and more resentment and her feeling like you don’t care about how it impacts her body. Are you physically affectionate casually, without trying to initiate anything? Maybe try reframing it as you missing feeling affection, connection, etc and now just feeling all-around rejected and unwanted, and see if the two of you can figure out another way to address that for the time being until sex becomes less of a hot-button stress point? Maybe she’ll be open in time, to sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration?
Sex can be very painful for women after menopause. The walls of the vagina thin and make it really really hurt. Estrogen cream down there, I have been told, makes a huge difference. But none of this matters if she doesn’t want intimacy. That has to be very sad for you and I am sorry. She sounds like she just wants a best friend and not a husband.
It’s the same for me bud, all was ok for a few months last year then she finally let me know she had no interest anymore mid 50’s is a difficult time for women and I have no other option now than self care and the gym. Love her dearly and have no interest in other women but man it hits hard regardless when you feel totally unwanted and like a flatmate.
Do you know if she is a candidate for HRT? It can improve some of the menopausal symptoms. She may not be a candidate if her family has a history of estrogen fueled cancers ie breast or ovarian cancer. If she doesn’t have any history of these in her family you could suggest she talk to her doctor about HRT. She may or may not even consider it. There is still a lot of outdated thinking when it comes to HRT. I wouldn’t push it is she doesn’t seem interested.
As long as sex is painful I can understand her frustration. No one enjoys something that is painful.
My wife told me the same thing when she was 35… wow this sounds like my story.
Hormone treatment would help so much. I’m sorry that she won’t do that for you. Maybe she could ask the doctor through email or a my chart app?
This is where you have to have the conversation about WHY you can’t accept that. Yeah, it’s gonna suck, yeah you’ll likely be the bad guy but you at least deserved to be heard.
You need to be able to voice your needs and desires and she should listen. Keep in mind, you ALSO need to listen to her too. Get her side of the issue. It sounds like this has been an issue for a long time and apparently shame is keeping her from taking about it with the people that can actually help. By her not talking about it, she’s suffering in silence and by extension you as well.
I get that the last several years have been draining on her. If she is going through menopause, that’s also going to negatively affect her drive (hormones suck…) Other poster have suggested taking piv off the table and I’m inclined to agree. However, as time goes on, you will eventually have to decide is this something you can live with. If so, then shut up about it because at that point she will likely consider the matter settled. Bringing it up again afterwards is only going to make things worse than they already are. If not, then you need to make an exit plan but only do so after all attempts at communicating have failed. Medical dead bedrooms suck and there’s no right answer here unfortunately.
I really don’t think you should look at this as a changing her mind. Doing that is basically treating her like she’s stupid and doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s an adult and knows exactly what she’s saying and knowing you’re not going to be happy about it. She’s not willing to try any of these medical or counseling suggestions.
So, I think you take her at her word and take her seriously.
Your move.
Personally, I think you’re well within your rights to file for divorce if this is an important part of a male/female relationship for you. I mean, I’m not saying you’ll be able to just go outside and snap your fingers and women will flock to you. It’s not that easy and it might not ever work……esp with the cancer and the financial difficulties. So, that’s something to really consider hard.
But, for most people, sex is part of an exclusive romantic relationship. I mean, it’s basically the ONE thing you don’t do with other people when you’re married. And doesn’t mean spouses have to put out, but I don’t see how someone can just forever take that off the table and be confident they’ll remain married. In fact, she probably knows that and accepts it and she told you anyway.
EDITED: I read some of your responses in the comments.
>But what about this which I tried this morning.
She said she doesn’t want to. No means no. Stop trying to manipulate and push her.
>I said you don’t have to do anything just lay there.
This is disgusting. You act like you want sex because you want intimacy and to have a shared experience with your wife. When in reality all that comment said is you just want a prostitute. It’s about getting off for you it’s not about a mutually beneficial experience.
I know why she doesn’t want you touching her anymore.
If your wife is refusing to listen to you and work on TRYING to fix the problem then you need to seek counseling. She is refusing to listen to you or take care of herself. Sex is a part of marriage, and it involves part of her body which isn’t working the way it used to. While yes it’s her body and her choice, when you remove a part of a relationship without discussion, then you need to sit down and discuss with a therapist. Why is she refusing to talk to a doctor about sex, why is she refusing to talk to you, why is she refusing to even have the conversation? Then you can decide what you want to do moving forward. Do you want a roommate? Or do you want to move on with your life with someone who at least wants to be in a conversation about it?
Yeah there are times you have come off as a bit of an ass, but overall she’s not being a good partner to you. You need to find a good balance.
Divorce
Honestly, I don’t see this coming back.
The simple reason being, not once in voicing your concerns have you even articulated your desire for your wife to ENJOY sex. I suspect this has been going on for a while, and now that she’s in pain, it’s a large/steep hill that SHE has to climb while you do what exactly?
You need to pump the brakes on pushing sex on your wife and get some individual therapy and sort your expectations out. Maybe (emphasis on Maybe) at that point if she sees some progress she’ll be open to putting some effort into what you want.
Your wife has made her decision. Now you have choices to make. You can ask for an open relationship, a divorce, or you can choose celibacy. I don’t envy you. Good luck.
Ik this is sh*t advice but if she’s unwilling to seek out help and even try sex again with you then you should either accept it or take other measures which aren’t optimal. 🤷🏾♂️. It sucks ik, but I don’t get from you that divorcing at this age/stage is even on the table.
Go to therapy yourself first.
This is rough. A few thoughts.
1. I wish I had a nickel for everyone who said, “I’m sure they’re not cheating”. Bill Gates here I come. Never say “I know”, rather say “I don’t believe so”.
2. You’re clearly head over heels for her, has she been that crazy over you, or has the dynamic been that you “won the beauty queen”, and are always bending to what she wants?
3. You both have a lot going on, and marriages have rough moments. The real test as to whether someone loves you is in these moments when things are perfect or great. Rough times proves inward character.
4. Sexlessness isn’t the issue. She’s repulsed by you. There’s a view or narrative in her head that she believes when it comes to you and she’s growing resentful.
5. Most men believe, in order to fix this, I need to “smother her with affection”, flowers, be around more, give her more things, etc etc. then they realize it pushes her away even more. That’s not how you fix a situation like yours.
6. She’s emotionally abandoned the marriage. You need to show indifference. Trust me when I say this. She won’t actively work towards fixing this. That means this issues came up a long time ago and she’s finally emotionally and mentally checked out, because she didn’t express her concerns earlier. Grey rock and 180 method works in these scenarios (google it).
7. Cover all basis: (Without telling her and a bunch of people that you’re doing this)
Make sure she isn’t seeing another person or wasn’t once upon a time and lost that person. I’m serious. For your own mental sake. There’s ways to do this quietly.
Speak with close family. Especially the women in her family or yours that you trust and are close to. Also and mutual friends. Her best friend knows the truth and what’s going on. If, you’re close enough to that person, speak with them.
Trust your gut. Not your emotions. Put aside the pedal stool you placed your wife on for just a moment and start using logic and that internal gut feeling as you uncover more information.
You mentioned hormones. They effect women, but not in the way that you’re describing. There’s another reason why she is treating you poorly.
In conclusion:
You don’t know what’s really going on. You won’t be able to until you set your love fog glasses down for a minute to figure it out.
Start taking care of yourself.
Gym, eat healthy, new clothing and hair style, engage with friends, be joyful and fun to be around. Have a cancer remission party at the house and invite friends and family. Be creative.
Life is too “gosh darn” short!
Take control of what you can control! Your life!
Please give an update.
[deleted]
I can’t tell you when it happened exactly, but shortly after my husband’s emergency back surgery in 2019, I was repulsed by the idea of sex with him. I was working full time, managing his care, appointments, the house, all the dogs I didn’t want but he brought home, and more. I was changing bandages, helping him get on a toilet, and responding to his every pain. There was no interest left in me. And worse, I felt *immense* guilt about this. I felt ashamed. I felt alone. I felt like a horrid person for not finding my husband attractive after his procedure. And I kept sleeping with him because he wanted to and I didn’t know how to tell him. Then I felt used, disconnected from my body, and depressed.
All of this was happening in my brain without my husband’s knowledge.
Last year (2021) I finally told him. I told him I couldn’t keep betraying my body. I had to dissociate to get through sex with him. It hurt his feelings. It hurt me to say. I asked him to wait for me to initiate- even sexual talk and jokes with him turned my stomach at that point. But he did. He was patient and kind. It wasn’t easy. I could hear the pain in his voice if it came up. But he kept being patient. And I am happy to say that my feelings have returned. He is sexy and sexual to me.
I tell you this because it’s possible she went through this process and you are late to the notification. That sucks. But her feelings might return if you give her space to heal from betraying herself.
She should be open to seeking counseling
I don’t get her unwillingness to seek help. There are so many good options out there. She can get help for her hormones and for menopause. She can see a pelvic floor specialist for pain. She can see a marriage counselor to understand your perspective better. She’s just unwilling and that’s nuts to me. How can she claim to love you without wanting to understand why this is a big deal to you?
When she asks “why can’t you accept marriage without sex” it makes me think she’s feeling insecure. She feels like she should be enough for you without sex. It also makes me think she views your desire for sex is purely pleasuring and physical.
However, I think she’s wrong, and that you just want intimacy. I think this because you’re willing to do anything sexual so long as it’s together and bonding. To many men, sex is a way to feel good enough for their partner and intimate with their partner. Her rejecting you constantly probably makes you feel not good enough for her and makes you feel unwanted. Plus, it adds a disconnect in your intimacy with each other. Sex is a vulnerable act where you share everything you have to offer and she’s no longer sharing that with you. I don’t think she understands your perspective at all.
If you went to her and explained that yes, she is good enough without sex and you love her, and yes you don’t want her to be in pain or be upset… But also tell her that not having sex makes you feel not good enough as her partner, and makes you feel disconnected from her, she may understand better. She needs to know that it’s not a physical or pleasure issue. She needs to understand that it is an emotional and intimacy issue in your relationship. If you just wanted pleasure you would just masturbate and call it a day. You want intimacy and connection though and you can’t get that alone. Explain that to her. See what she says then.
Oh I’m so sorry! It sounds like such a rough time for both of you.
I think what you have already done in terms of backing off and suggesting a marriage therapist are absolutely the right moves. She likely needs individual therapy and probably an obgyn appt as well with everything going on; i realize that therapy/medical care is expensive and can make the financial situation more stressful though. I commiserate.
Is there any way you can get some help with figuring out the financial issues? It seems like this is a major stressor right now and if there is ANYTHING that you guys can do to make resolving it more efficient, do it. Even if it means talking with some kind of financial advisor (though i realize that is also another financial cost).
It’s frustrating that she refuses marriage counseling. On one hand, it is so difficult to see our SO go through so much pain and struggle; on the other hand, its very frustrating to watch people just accept the struggle rather than try to work on solving it. And you both are suffering from this; i don’t think its wrong of you to want physical intimacy in your relationship and i think the suggestions you have made already are acceptable for trying to make sure BOTH of your needs are met.
That being said, you can’t force someone to do therapy against their will, even if it is likely to help. You’re in a tight spot. At this point, perhaps you can yourself do individual therapy to help you navigate this issue and decide what you can withstand and what you cannot. I don’t think its fair to you to completely give up sex, so if she is unwilling to help meet your needs, you’ll have to figure out what you are able to weather and what you absolutely can’t (and shouldn’t) give up on. Plus, an individual therapist for yourself may be able to help you learn how to better support your spouse in many issues (if thats what you want; you aren’t REQUIRED to “fix” another person’s issues, but sometimes we fluctuate on who gets and needs more support throughout a relationship). In the end though, it will be very difficult to continue a relationship with someone who is not interested in putting that effort to work on their own issues long-term. I just dont think you are at the stage of ending a relationship like this, but you definitely need to be aware of that possibility that it could just not resolve and take whatever steps you can to prevent it. For now, it seems that the most you can do is focus on what you can do for yourself and y’all’s financial situation. Continue to gently encourage marriage counseling.
I wish i had better advice. I mostly just wanted to commiserate with you.
Try the deadbedrooms sub, it sounds a hard one and i think you will just grow to hate her because it will take a toll on your self esteem to keep being rejected. Good luck i hope you ca solve this
Do you know how many times the world has heard, I know she’she’s not cheating. Only to find out…
Is she ok with the marriage ending?
Wait… you’re 24 and she’s 59? She’s refusing sex? She say’s you’re the problem and refuses therapy? And not one person has said she’s abusing you?
My mind is truly blown right now. If this was reversed people would tell her to demand counseling or leave. OP you need to demand marriage counseling and for her to make an appointment with her obgyn to make sure her health is on the up and up. She has to work on this to.
Lmao that part of being married heck after 6 month I was told that from my first x wife
“why can’t you just accept that?”
I think step 1 is to figure out for yourself what the answer to that question is. This doesn’t mean it’s a fair question, but I think you need to be clear with where the line is and what you can and can’t live with. Are you okay if she never changes her mind?
Step 2 is try your best to communicate what your needs are without making her feel defensive. Therapy could help with both of these.
After all that there is a chance she will still be unwilling or unable to budge to meet you – you might have a tough decision to make.
Being honest with yourself and her is key here.
Is there a reason you haven’t mentioned reciprocating the enjoyment for her in your comments and OP?
You have a big problem here unless you wanna be sexless the rest of your life or have an open marriage. There aren’t many other options. Not if you’re going to stay with her I would sit down and tell her that you need for sex as important as her need not to have it so there has to be some compromise.
If you want to keep having a wife, you need to comprehend that few things are worse than being sexual or intimate against your will. You need to do something that is hard for you: put yourself in her shoes. Really try to feel what she’s feeling. Listen to her. Shes 59 and she’s gone through the grinder of life. She has a different biology than you. Give her a break. You need to prove to your wife that you can offer her physical affection (hugging, holding hands, stroking her hair, kissing her on the cheek) without wanting that to be the opening to having sex again.
You both have a whole lot on your plates right now and I can get that at this moment this just may not be something she can prioritize mentally and physically and that can be understandable.
But you don’t have to just accept being in a sexless marriage or going without sex for the rest of your life but all of the options and variables are just too many to mention and delve into in a post from a stranger on Reddit.
But there are lots of options you’ll have to research and explore. This isn’t anything fixable overnight.
Best of luck to you.