[27F] I’m in an interracial relationship and am struggling to fit in with my boyfriend’s [29M] friends.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to two years. I’m black and he’s white. The friends of his I’ve met so far have never been outright rude to me, but I can’t help but feel awkwardness between us. It’s as if there’s always an elephant in the room, me.

We do have some interests that overlap, but his friends are mostly into gaming, anime (which I’m slowly getting into, but can’t talk extensively about like them), and are film buffs so they talk in detail a lot about movies I’ve never seen. They also smoke weed, which I’ve never tried and can’t try for at least another two years due to being in the military.

I know I won’t always have a lot in common with people I meet and that’s fine. I’ve made sure to show interest in the things they like and ask questions about those I’m not too familiar with, and they usually do the same for me.

Where I feel the awkwardness come in is when I sense they sometimes try to overcompensate for the difference between us or also when we hold back so as to not step on each other’s toes. For example, we were watching UFC fights once and my boyfriend’s friend described a fighter as “that big black dude,” then looked at me and asked apologetically “Is that okay to say?” I just replied “Yes, the guy is black so saying he’s black isn’t an issue.” Another example, there are times where we’ll be talking about favorite TV shows/movies/music and maybe it’s in my head, but they’ll look towards me and throw in a “Oh and I love Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!” or a “Tupac man, classic!” As far as stepping on eggshells around me, my boyfriend did tell me recently one of his friends has said the N-word without the hard R a few times, like in a joking manner towards friends “Ninja get outta here” type of way. My boyfriend is adamant on him himself never saying it even if it’s not with the hard R, and I feel similar when it comes to people who aren’t black saying it so that was disappointing to learn about his friend. On the flip side, I can feel myself almost code-switching sometimes and not saying slang I’d say in front of a black friend for fear of being judged or them not getting what I’m saying.

This all came to a tipping point for me recently because of a situation with my boyfriend’s friend/ex roommate (C) and his girlfriend (S). They’re a really nice couple who are over at our place a lot because we live nearby. (S) and I usually talk more one on one while my boyfriend and (C) are off talking on their own. They went through a personal trauma recently which (C) told my boyfriend about and asked him not to share, which is fine he wanted to keep it their business. However, I come to find out (C) also told my boyfriend’s friend N, who happens to be temporarily living with us for a few months while he gets on his feet again. I felt weird being the only one left out, but didn’t push the issue. My boyfriend finally let me know what happened with a “Well I guess I’ll just tell you too since N already knows.” He does go back years with his friends since they met during school at their hometown, but the whole situation made me feel like some random outsider. My boyfriend and N went over to C and S’s house tonight to play games and get high, their words, just to try to cheer them up. I caught a bad cold suddenly, which is the main reason I’m not tagging along despite wanting to be there for them, but a part of me knows if I had gone I would’ve felt exactly like that: a tag along.

I knew the risk of possible awkwardness when I started dating my boyfriend. He’s the first white man I’ve dated and he’s dated outside his face before, but never a black woman. The town I grew up in wasn’t that diverse so I’m used to two sides of the coin: white people being straight up racist and not caring if others know and white people not being racist, but being overly self-aware of us being different to the point it comes off as uneasiness at times. It’s just that back then these kind of issues I could choose to try to avoid. I really wanted to post this to vent and ask if there’s any advice for getting over the hurdles or at least making the time we spend together smoother? Maybe I’m letting my own self-consciousness get in the way? Whether you are, or have been, in an interracial relationships or not, I’d love any input if you have some.

TL;DR: I’m a black woman who feels awkward around my boyfriend’s white friends sometimes and am hoping for advice on dealing with it.