Edit: thanks all for the comments. I teared up a little lol. Dating has been so hard. I wanted to give it up so many times. Anyway I think you’re all right. Thanks for being my sounding board. A bit more context –
1. When my therapist and I were digging into possible reasons why I haven’t had a single meaningful relationship for the past 4 or so years, she suggested maybe I focus too much on finding red flags than trying to find one good thing about a person. I thought she had a point, because man, I’ve had more than enough first dates, but very few of them were ‘my type’. As long as I have been single, I didn’t have sex for almost 3 years either. I have cut off guys before I got intimate. So I guess this time I was trying something totally different from what I would normally do, but you are right that I shouldn’t let myself to be abused.
2. Totally agree with the communication part as well – it definitely is what I’m not good at. I’m not good at speaking my needs, not just in romantic relationships but also in friendships too. I will take this as an opportunity to practice, and talk about how I felt and what I wanted clearly when I cut him off.
3. This is my first time learning the term ‘neurodivergent’. There actually are so so many guys with some sort of social disorders in my industry – I’ve met countless insecure guys and potentially AS, too, and how careless of me having let this one slide, just because he had many “friends”. Maybe I should try dating out of my industry.
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F here. While I have had a lot first dates, I haven’t had a serious relationship for a long time (3-4 years). In most cases so far, if I (or a guy) felt like this wasn’t going to work out, I cut things off within 3rd or 4th date. Then my therapist told me, maybe I’m avoidant and should try to be more lenient – and try taking more time than being too judgmental in the early stage.
So this guy I’ve been dating for about a month now… We are both in our early 30s and met on OLD. He did not give me a good impression on our first date. We met for coffee, and he didn’t seem interested in me e.g. not making an eye contact, not asking questions about me, only answering to questions I ask, etc. So I totally assumed he was not interested in me at all, and didn’t even wait for a text.
So I was very surprised when he reached out a couple days later and asked to hang out again. I told him I had other plans, but he waited and asked me out again 2 weeks later. So I was like ‘I’ll give it a try’, and went for the second date, which turned out to be better than the first date. I still had to ask him a lot of questions because he wouldn’t talk much, but maybe because he was drinking, he was a bit more talkative and I actually had some fun. So we made out a little.
It’s the third date when I started to feel something was off. We cooked together at his place and got intimate. I was so surprised when, after we had sex, there was no pillow talk. No pillow talk at all – I have dated a fair number of guys and he was the first guy who didn’t have any pillow talk. What’s more, usually after having sex, a guy would suggest taking a shower together, or taking a nap together, etc., but this guy… after a little while, he got up silently without talking to me, got dressed again, and started hanging out on his own in the living room.
It was a totally different vibe compared to before having sex. I felt so awkward – like I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. Felt like an uninvited guest. But because I had somewhere else to go afterwards, I left his place anyway and he gave me a ride.
I didn’t feel great after the 3rd date. I noticed he didn’t text as much after the 3rd date, and his replies got shorter. I wanted to end things here, but reminded myself of what my therapist told me, and convinced myself that maybe there was not enough evidence to end things already.
Then he asked me out for a 4th date. He does come with plans but he only reaches out at the last minute (we meet once every weekend, he would text on Fri), and never wants to dine at a restaurant (while he goes to fine-dining restaurants with his work friends every 1-2 weeks).
I found out more red flags about him on the 4th date:
– He never asks me how my day/week went. He rarely asks any questions about me (persistent since the 1st date).
– I ask him questions and his answers are extremely short, and he doesn’t want to elaborate. e.g. Do you like X? ‘No.’ Why not? ‘I don’t know.’ I get frustrated, the conversation stops there and, silence. He only occasionally talks/asks about topics of his interests.
– He doesn’t remember what I told him before. e.g. I will be away for 4 weeks and he didn’t remember that it was a long trip. And even after he was reminded, simply told me to “have fun” and that was it. He didn’t care.
– He gets carried away easily and seems to live in his own world. [removed details]
– When we went to his place again, his behavior was the same – being cuddly until sex, but after sex, doing his own thing without inviting me. When I joined him, he left me again to do something on his own. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to sleep over. I was going to leave anyway, but felt like I was being kicked out.
– The fact that he’s making me overthink and write this lengthy post.
I think these are enough red flags that he is not compatible and not taking me seriously. At first, I was making excuses for him that maybe he’s socially awkward or maybe he’s nervous – but he has many friends that he loves who plan trips with all the time. If this is the way he is, don’t want to try to fix him – don’t want to date a broken guy.
I wanted to get your opinions to make sure that, this time I’m not prematurely ending things. What do you think? It seems like I can never find good quality men on OLD.
37 comments
This dude seems like he has issues you dont need to deal with, get out while you can. There’s a difference between giving a chance and ignoring huge red flags like this guys, you’re good to bail
Always trust your gut. I agree, with all you’ve described, it sounds like he’s not a good match. The way he treats you is unacceptable. It seems like he’s not engaging, preset, or even interested in who you are as a person.
I commend you for putting in the effort to go on 4 dates, but I think it’s time to call it.
You two are forcing something that clearly isn’t there.
I feel like you’re going along with things because he keeps reaching out to you/appearing to express interest, but you’re perfectly within your rights to say no thanks, this isn’t working.
Nothing about this seems worth pursuing.
Nothing in your post indicates you’re into him at all. It feels like you took your therapist’s advice of being more lenient too far. There’s a middle ground where you give people a bit more of a chance, but can still cut things off that clearly aren’t going to work.
Dating is also figuring out if YOU like THEM. Not just if they like you. So, do you even like him?
He sounds like he may be neurodivergent.
Great job for putting yourself out there and trying what your therapist suggests. Exercises like this make us vulnerable and put us outside our comfort zone. This person doesn’t seem considerate, and I would bail immediately (easy to say from here).
No pillow talk?!?? F that… Also getting back dressed and going to hang out in his living room alone seems a little crazy…
So your gut was right from the very first date. Please trust yourself, the vibes you get and the energy.
It’s wise to give people a chance if you feel there might be something there, but if it’s a no or even a maybe.. then trust yourself, it very rarely changes. To me it sounds like this was a no from the beginning. Keep looking!
Also: this doesn’t sound like a match at all, it’s okay to say no.
I would have been out of there when he cold-shouldered you after sex. All of it sounds horrible and it would make me beyond insecure.
I actually feel awkward for you. Ugh..get out while you still can. Don’t force it because your therapist said you should be lenient
While it’s commendable that you’re taking action at your therapist’s suggestion, maybe what’s missing here is nuance regarding what her guidance was likely saying — be more lenient and open, sure, but only if you actually like the person. (At least I hope that’s what they were saying!)
As others have pointed out, nothing here is saying you actually like this guy. You did your part by being open to the 2nd date, sounds like there was enough there to go to a 3rd date, but after that strange behavior (that you very much did not like), there’s no reason for this to continue. Your therapist is likely encouraging you to be open, but not soooo open that it’s to your detriment (aka feeling disregarded or uninvited in some way) or makes you accept behavior that is contradictory to your values. Assuming you like your therapist, this is definitely worth digging into and expanding on during your sessions.
As for this dude…he’s gotta go!
What about giving people a shot, but not letting it get so romantic until you are sure? I think this is what your therapist suggested tbh. To get to know someone a bit and see if they are actually fun people (even if they might seem nervous at first).
This guy gives me a stomachache and I don’t get why you are trying to keep it going. Have you talked to your therapist about this? I don’t think this is what they meant. I don’t know you, but maybe you was quick to judge people based on silly things like haircolor or height or something. You should however ALWAYS trust your gut. The gut tells you this isn’t good.
It is clear that this man is after casual sex as and when it suits him. I doubt this is what your therapist told you you need to be open to.
Forget how he feels about you, you barely seem to like *him*. There’s your sign, be done with this.
I don’t understand why your therapist is encouraging you to keep dating this man specifically.
I’m confused. I don’t mean to sound judgmental here, but if this guy never really talks to you, doesn’t really listen to you, and frequently ignores you… why have sex with him?
He sounds awful, even from a guy’s perspective.
It’s nice that you’re trying to give your therapists advice some stock but don’t throwaway your values and your picker to accommodate their suggestion.
Best of luck OP you deserve someone way better than the guy you’ve described in this post.
Sounds like he’s just using you. I recommend not to be intimate with a new guy in the future until he really proves himself to you. This includes fine dining, gifts, communication etc.
I think your therapist’s advice was fine, but misapplied. You’re not supposed to keep yourself open to dating every person on the planet. Their advice was more applicable to dates where “it feels fine but there’s no spark” which is where most people land and where there’s occasionally a chance to turn things around.
I do think you have some room to grow here, yourself – it sounds like you get upset when someone doesn’t fit the pattern other dates have set, however each person is unique. Doesn’t seem like you know him well enough (4 dates) to say he “never” wants to go fine dining with you, etc
He isn’t the one
This is why I hesitate to tell friends about my gut feelings on a guy I’m dating because I’m also known to be anxious and an overthinker and so they’ll just tell me to give a guy a chance even though I’m unhappy. However, I’m good at recognizing when I’m overthinking. You should def trust your intuition and respect your needs/wants.
Even if he was taking you seriously, you sound really unhappy with his behavior, and it would be burdensome for you to have to “correct” him for everything he’s doing wrong for you. Esp since you can’t change someone. The best you can do is improve communication, but this isn’t one of those cases.
I think 3-4 dates is a solid number for figuring out if you like them and vibe well. Your therapist might be trying to tell you to be more open to dating but this isn’t it.
The red flags you listed + all the things that he does sound like this dude hates women…
This sounds like a guy that just wants sex. I’m not sure why you decided to sleep with him if you felt like something was off about him. And based on what you described about the first date, I’m surprised you met up with him again after that.
I think he might be on the autism spectrum.
Also never force yourself to do things you don’t feel comfortable with just because of a therapist. Never. There is a big difference between getting in your head about something and being legitimately uncomfortable or unhappy in a situation with someone. If it was that 90% of the time you feel good with someone and 10% you get anxiety or upset then yes I would say push through that 10%
But sounds like he does not make you happy 90% of the time. So that’s different.
Do not see this man again. This is not what you’re looking for at all.
It doesn’t seem like he is making you very happy at all.
I wanted to comment on what your therapist said because I can relate to this.
I am 30F and have been single for over 4 years now.
I have dated several guys in the last two years and I end things after a date or two if I’m not into them.
Honestly, it has really made me question my own attachment style and wondered if I’m doing the right thing, or if I’m a little bit avoidant.
On the other hand, there have been guys that I’ve seen for a few weeks/months at a time because I did really like them. I have been the dumpee/dumper in these situations, but I know I’m not giving up on it without a try. But the motivation and compatibility has to be there.
I just want to share that I think it’s totally fine for you to move on if you’re not getting the right vibes.
Listen to your gut, it always knows the truth
I hope that helps
First date it’s forgivable and ok to try again. After the third date it’s a hard no for me. His behavior post sex is would be a total turn off and make me feel like crap. Add on everything else, no.
I don’t think he’s taking you seriously or that you guys are compatible, but I also don’t think any of that matters because I don’t think you’re into him anyway. I think your therapist is right and you’re an Avoidant and that if you really want things to improve in dating, you should read up on Attachment Theory. I’m an Avoidant too and your reaction to all of this feels very familiar to me. I often try to push myself to give things more of a chance, but the trick is you have to trust yourself when it gets toxic. When he didn’t respect you after sex, that was no longer remotely a situation that you needed to work on.
I honestly read this post with such a shocked and confused face. You don’t like him, obviously, and he’s obviously not particularly interested in you as a person.
*I’m* confused about what *you’re* confused about. What are you expecting from this situation? He’s behaving exactly as one would expect given the circumstances. He likely reached out to you because he thought you were cute and that you might be down to fuck, and you were.
It seems like you’re hoping or expecting that the simple fact that he’s reaching out to you + sleeping with you means that he should be interested in you, or more thoughtful, and you’re thrown by the fact that he isn’t.
Truthfully, he’d probably be happy to continue having sex with you without having a single word of conversation.
The real question is — why are YOU participating?
It’s like you unwrapped a package labeled “uninterested man,” yet you’re still expecting the contents of an interested and invested package.
Something does feel off to me about this guy. I can’t quite pin it down though. I would advise against giving this guy more chances. Some things just don’t work. Good luck!
Is your therapist a man or a woman?
There are a lot of shot people out there, and pushing past red flags can be dangerous. Your therapist sounds naive of how much abuse can happen when you let yourself have enough time to get attached to a bad person.
Ditch this one and go back to your original strategy. Better to be avoidant than put up with shitty stressful confusing interactions or abuse.
Why are you with this guy? Seriously…lol. I’ve seen some behaviors like this in a guy with ADHD I dated, but he made a conscious effort to avoid the behaviors because he wanted things to work.
All of these behaviors combined are way too much to deal with and I’m not sure why you are dealing with it. It’s time to end things for sure.
Obviously I don’t know you or your therapist, but I don’t think that cutting things off after three or four dates seems harsh. I think that’s ample time to get a feel for whether you vibe with the person and want to see if there’s something more. That seems like a reasonable amount of time to decide whether to really invest your time in the other person.
He seems like he could be neurodivergent, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep seeing him just because he asks just to see if you eventually like him. If you’re not feeling into him, you know that and there’s nothing wrong with saying you’re not feeling it and letting it go.
I felt like I met a lot of nice guys OLD, but only one that I truly clicked with and was able to keep a good balance of interest, conversation, etc. I kept that one and assume someone else will find the others.
I respect therapy and this popular right now “avoidant” stuff, but I think too much therapy makes women not trust their instincts/intuition. Your instincts have been harping at you this whole time, and you’ve lasted long past what I ever would have. I say dump this loser and find someone who likes you, is interested in you, and is fun to be around. Those seem like fairly basic asks.
Why would you sleep with him again after the way he was post coital the first time? I’ve been there and I ask you to please be nicer to yourself.
You’ve taken your therapist’s advice to the extreme, you don’t need to put up with guys who’re not into you, quite the opposite – give those a chance who are but you don’t an feel immediate spark with.
This guy sounds like a douche, the only effort he’s putting in is to ask you out when presumably his other plans fail. Please, PLEASE quit him asap
Agreeing with some comments here that you may have taken the advice of being lenient too far. Based on Date 3 it sounds like he’s just not that into you either.
This seems like a convenient match that conveniently allowed him to get his needs met with minimal effort. As long as the indulge him these conveniences, he will keep setting up subpar dates last minute with you. Because he can. So don’t let him, unless you enjoy being used as a human flashlight.
This doesn’t sound like the beginning of a fun, loving relationship. It sounds like absolute torture. I doubt that your therapist meant you needed to get rid of all standards and keep dating someone who was rude, cold, and uninterested-acting from the jump. This honestly made me sad to read.