My husband(30m) and I(24f)have been married for a little over a year and we have a 4 month old baby. We have been together about 3 years. Our relationship is mostly good and overall a good marriage. I was with my ex from 17-20. We broke up when he had to move for a job. He would be back in town kind of frequently and for a while after we broke up we would hang out. After doing this for a while I decided I wanted to actually move on with my life and started dating. I met my now husband and really liked him so we started dating. A few days after our first date my ex showed up at my apartment and we ended up having sex and that was the last time it happened. It was hard for me at the time to cut him off. I still had some hang ups about ex at that time. Husband and I got more and more serious and I quickly completely moved on and fell in love with him, forgot about my ex. Husband and I have been together since.
My husband and I randomly ran into my ex while we were walking around downtown with our baby. We all talked for maybe 10 minutes and it was no big deal. I guess this really bothered my husband. He acted like nothing was wrong at the time and I couldn’t tell at all that he was bothered. He made the decision sometime to charge and go through my old phone. It had the everything for years and years, photos, every text I sent or received. He had been secretly going through it for days and looking at old photos and texts had him fuming. He finally lost it when he put it together that I had sex with ex after our first date. He had a total mental breakdown and completely trashed the house and my car. It was bad. He seriously lost his mind. Do you know how hard and how long it takes to clean a trashed house and car while taking care of a baby? I know it was wrong to sleep with my ex, but it was after our first date. I had no idea I would eventually marry him but I should have been honest with him. It was so long ago.
I tried to calm him down and apologize. He spent the night with a friend that night. He has calmed down a lot but the tension is thick and I don’t know what else to say or do to fix this. I want to resolve this issue. I think a good idea would be for us to go to a therapist so we can both get past it but he won’t do that. This is a throwaway account. I really need advice on dealing with this.
38 comments
Anger management for starters, jfc
It was a first date. It wasnt a commitment or even a point that a relationship was established nor was exclusive to each other even a thing. Your husband sounds unhinged and possibly dangerous. Behavior like this is unacceptable. What you should do unless you want to continue to live with this type behavior and getting it tossed in your face constantly is tell him to hit the bricks and get out while you can. You didn’t do anything to deserve what he did. And his mess he made should be his to clean up. Don’t pick up after his tantrum. Make his ass clean what he wrecked.
Were you guys exclusive or just dating? There’s a big difference.
He needs anger management though bc trashing the house and your car bc he was mad about you sleeping with an ex is ridiculous if you guys were just dating.
Like from what it reads you guys had your first date then a few days later, you had sex with your ex. I don’t think that’s cheating
His feelings might be somewhat normal, but that reaction absolutely is not. I mean, were you two even exclusive after the first date? I would be afraid of him after that, especially combined with him obsessively going through your old phone for days prior.
Some kind of therapy needs to be on the table, specifically to address his anger issues.
what are you apologizing for you did nothing wrong
Id be more worried by your husband and how he is acting and not by your actions. After your first date did you agree Not to see anyone else? Or become official? Sorry but after 1 date he cant claim you cheated unless you had some agreement, that you wouldnt see anyone. Whilst its shitty he found out its not good his reaction. I would defo be worried by his actions
Look up [DARVO](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/). Be honest with yourself; is this the first [unhealthy thing he’s done](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/)?
Either your husband has some issues or there’s more to this then you’re telling us.
Edited
You did nothing wrong. You weren’t comittied to your future husband yet.
He needs a giant cup of calm the eff down.
He has NO right to be mad at you for having an Ex-bf. I bet he wasn’t exactly a sterling virgin either.
As the others said, let him clean up the house.
This is a HIM issue, not a you issue.
Who cares about the ex. Your husband spent a significant amount of time going through years of your entire phone’s history, gets angry, destroys your house and car and then you have to clean it all up while taking care of a baby?
Your husband sounds like an absolutely psycho. I think you need to change how you are thinking about this situation because destroying a house/car over something that happened before you were even a couple is absolute craziness and not healthy. Honestly, you should flat out think about whether you want to be with someone who can fly off the handle over something so stupid.
He completely overreacted .
Pretty clearly he had feelings of exclusivity.
Whether that was the fact or not.
When he’s calmed down, calmly say that you regret seeing ex, but feel that at that early stage you were still ‘free’.
Mention you’ve been 100% faithful since (assuming that’s true).
Also mention that you won’t be staying in a dangerous environment like he created, unless he gets some help.
People who expect complete exclusivity when they’re casually dating someone or just started dating someone are bizarre to me. It’s as if they don’t live in the real-world.
I hate house-trashers, one of my parents would do this all the time during their little temper tantrums. It’s seriously embarrassing and pathetic to witness. He can fume all he wants, you did nothing wrong. Personally I wouldn’t tolerate the behavior and would let them know how childish it was, but that’s just me.
Feelings aren’t logical. Your husband will feel how he feels. However, he does have complete control over how he reacts to those feelings.
IMO, your husband completely overreacted and needs help with impulse control.
I think that your main focus should be on yours and your child’s safety.
ETA – I read through some of your replies. I’m no expert, but your husband’s prior behavior shows signs that things could eventually escalate into physical abuse. Don’t wait for that to happen. Start looking for resources to assist you now.
I think you need to consider very carefully your SO’s actions here.
For what purpose did he charge up and search through FOR DAYS your old phone. This is hardly a reactionary or emotional moment, this is someone going to continued effort to create a ‘problem’
Trashing your entire house and car is scary and dangerous – did he do this in front of your 4 month old baby?
Regardless of your stance on the ex situation I wouldn’t even call it an overreaction, its a frightening act of terrorism and aggression towards yourself. The fact that you then had to clean up after his behaviour provides all the evidence really about the dynamic of this man.
I really think you need to considering safety planning rather than ‘resolving’
Trashing a house and car sound like lunacy and dangerous abuse. I certainly wouldn’t be *happy* to find out that my wife had slept with someone after our first date, but holy shit, this is an unwarranted and out of control response. Does your husband have any firearms?
> I know it was wrong to sleep with my ex, but it was after our first date
I get that everyone has different definitions, but if you ask me you are 100% NOT exclusive with anyone after one date, even if you do eventually wind up marrying them.
> He had a total mental breakdown and completely trashed the house and my car. It was bad. He seriously lost his mind.
Your husband has serious anger management issues. I get that we try and normalize destroying property when someone feels like they’ve been wronged (Carrie Underwood’s “Before he cheats” anyone?), but damaging property is not an acceptable means of dealing your anger.
My only advice is to tell him that you and him were not exclusive when this happened. Chances are he’s still going to be pissed, but there’s really nothing else you can tell him to ‘resolve’ this, he has to deal with it.
You weren’t exclusive when it happened = this has no bearing on your current marriage.
I have a phone that has all of my years of messages with my ex husband and my current husband has never so much as looked at that phone unless he needed to reorganize the bookshelf it’s on. There is stuff that happened with my ex husband, and between my ex husband and my now husband, that just isn’t relevant to our marriage.
Your husband A) created the problem by going through your old phone B) made it worse by actively going over everything in the phone despite obviously feeling upset by it and he kept going until he had this epiphany about the timeline of things and C) freaked out and threw a tantrum which was likely hazardous for you and your child that also created a mess.
If this was an AITA (am I the asshole?) post, we would all be telling you that your husband is the asshole. There’s no world where he’s not the one who blew this way out of proportion. He didn’t even ASK YOU about what was bothering him about your ex. He went behind your back and invaded your private space from YEARS ago and not only formed his own conclusions and opinions but actively looked for a problem to blow up about.
Also, think about if you did tell him. He would have still flipped out like this. You would have chosen to hurt his feelings intentionally because again, this happened before you were exclusive so it has no bearing on your current marriage. If it has no bearing on your current marriage, what’s the point in bringing it up besides to make him feel insecure or jealous? There isn’t one. You never had to tell him and you were right not to.
If my husband came back and told me he had sex with someone between our 1-4th dates before we went exclusive I wouldn’t care. He didn’t cheat. He was a free agent at that point. Stuff happens.
Don’t let your husband convince you that you were the one doing something wrong here. He made the problem and HE IS THE PROBLEM. If he won’t go to therapy you should go alone. If he tries to block you from going to therapy alone that’s a clear sign he’s being abusive and he knows your therapist will shine a light on his incredibly destructive and abusive behaviors and you’ll leave him eventually. All the more reason to go to therapy.
Be careful, stay safe, and know you did absolutely nothing wrong here.
Coming from a jealous not always mentally stable person, his reaction is insane.
He owes you a huge apology. Period. You did nothing wrong. You had consensual sex with another adult and were not exclusive with your now husband.
You did not sleep with anybody else since you slept with your husband for the first time? He needs professional help – seriously
Your husband sounds like a damaged and dangerous man. I would seek an attorney to file a restraining order. Then divorce to protect your baby.
When you were first dating? You mean after going on 1 date, before you were exclusive. I don’t think you are the problem nor do I think you cheated.
I agree that therapy is needed here. But ask yourself – are you and the baby really safe with this man? He doesn’t sound like he is mentally stable. This is an extreme over the top reaction to something that happened years ago – way before you and him were in a committed relationship.
Not normal he goes to therapy or you leave immediately.
If you had been on one date, had established you weren’t exclusive then you have done absolutely nothing wrong (did you guys discuss on the first date that if either of you did sleep with other people you’d be honest about it with each other?) your husband on the other hand went through a phone that didn’t belong to him (even if it was an old one) when he could have just asked you about it, then when you told him about sleeping your ex he displayed some deeply concerning violent and caveman behaviour. Quite frankly he needs to get some therapy because that reaction is not okay, especially with a baby in the house. And if anyone is owed an apology its definitely you.
That is a very massive red flag. He has anger issues. He doesn’t trust you. He invaded your privacy. He left you to clean up his mess. He went on a rage. He has no self control. If he lacks control of his emotions, how will he react to your child once your child becomes a toddler with big emotions? Once your child becomes a kid? Once your child becomes a teen who messes up? Kids will make mistakes and parenting requires lots of patience. What’s his parenting style going to be? If he’s okay with getting angry in front of his own child, then that raises a lot of questions. He lacks impulse control and that’s not a good thing around a child.
I honestly recommend individual therapy and anger management for your husband. That kind of anger isn’t a one and done situation, he showed you he lacks impulse control. That kind of anger could lead to childhood trauma for your child if he does that again, which can lead to a lot of emotional damage and mental health issues once your child gets older. Your husband needs to work to heal his issues and his impulses. If he has no interest in therapy and anger management, then you need to protect yourself and your child. The fact that he left you to clean up his mess says so much already. You’re supposed to be a team, and he treated you like you’re less than him. I personally would never put up with that. His actions could cause lifelong emotional and mental damage to you and your child.
Ummm seriously, you had one date. He flipped his lid over that?
Then trashes the house and car? Wtf.
This isn’t your fault at all. So you slept with your ex . During a time where you two barely knew each other.
I am really disturbed with his reaction and how he trashed things. Sounds like he has anger issue. His response is NOT ok, no matter what happened. Even if you cheated. Which you didn’t.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!
Hate to say it but your husband sounds like the type of person you read about in the news. Huge red flag.
I honestly don’t think I could ever sleep next to someone like this, because I would be scared of what he could do to me. He sounds unstable. Either he needs massive amounts of therapy or you need to take your baby and leave. He sounds like the kind of man that will eventually snap and kill someone. Please don’t keep your child in this dangerous situation. You should have documented the damage he did and gotten a restraining order.
By looking over your past texts etc to him he was likely visualizing it like you were cheating on him at that moment not something in the past.
After one date you can’t expect that person to be monogamous to you. You are not married.
Sounds like you were lucky to not be home otherwise I bet yet would have been your face he trashed. He seems awful violent and could hurt you and or your child.
His behavior is psychotic. Even being mad would be an overreaction but this is truly psychotic and unhinged. Take your baby and leave. Obsessively going through an old phone? Thrashing your car and the house especially with your baby in the house?! Did he not even care he could be traumatizing his own child? He has severe anger issues and needs help. You don’t need to fix anything. He needs to fix himself and he sounds like an abuser. I had an on and off relationship before I met my husband. When we first started dating it was casual. During that time I slept with my ex. I dont even remember when or why or how it came out at some point during my marriage but my husband did not blow up like a psychopath and wasnt angry. He told me it stung because he was only seeing me but we were not committed at the time and he never held it against me.
Complete overreaction indeed. Does your husband have a older married friend he can talk to ? That friend will tell him, marriage has a lot more challenging moments. Especially with a child in the mix. Let bygones be bygones, you weren’t exclusive back then
Pregnancy and postpartum are the most dangerous times in a woman’s life. The homicide rate is very high and usually occurs domestically. Your husband just displayed abusive tendencies. You need to leave and go somewhere safe.
If I’m misreading the situation, I apologize but I still think a mediated conversation should be had before you’re alone with him. What he did is not okay and he needs help for anger management.
So I have a unique story, because the exact same scenario happened to me. Except I was with my ex for 5 years, and yeah after the first date with my now husband I saw and slept with my ex.
Fast forward 3 years later we are married and I slipped up and ended up confessing. Pretty sure I was pregnant with our son at this time.. You know what he said/did?
He shrugged and said well we are married now and we didn’t establish exclusivity then.
We have been married 7 years and together 10.
Your husband over reacted – in a very scary way..in a way that warrants divorce because that sort of violence is not ok, at all. In any circumstances.
> I had no idea I would eventually marry him but I should have been honest with him.
When, exactly, should you have told him that you slept with your ex? You’d had **one** date with him. You were not in a serious, committed relationship. You had no idea if that date would turn into anything at all. You owed him nothing, not your fidelity at that point, and not a complete coming clean after it happened. If you had told him immediately, that would have been weird. Why would you do that? And later, when would have been the right time? After your tenth date? When you decided to be monogamous? When he proposed? On your honeymoon? When you started trying to have a baby? When? Any and all of those times it would have been weird & awkward.
The only reason your husband knows is because he is uncontrollably jealous and controlling. He had no reason & no right to go through your old phone looking for evidence that you are a bad person. If he thinks you’re a bad person, he should leave you, not torture you, trash your house & car, and then hold a grudge against you for something that happened over 3 years ago *when you were not even dating him.* You might not be safe around him right now. If he seriously refuses to go to marriage counseling with you, or therapy on his own, you might want to consider separating until he gets his shit together. Because he does not have it together, and you are raising a child with him.
He had a reaction that severe over something that happened before you were even serious. He actually pulled out your old phone and reverse engineered your entire relationship and then behaved like a gorilla on cocaine because he discovered you had sex with your ex. Does he think he owned you after your first date?? And now you’re saying YOU were wrong for sleeping with an ex with your own body on your own time.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m sorry you had to see this after you’ve already had a child together.
He is going to punish you for years about this. He spent a lot a time and effort digging into your past looking for anything to make you look bad. I suspect he has something to feel guilty about as well. You never considered digging into his private past because you are genuinely living in the present. I assure you that he will NEVER get over this. His reaction is not normal. He NEEDS you to be the bad one in the relationship. He’s “building a case” against you. He’s involving friends and family. Please be careful!