My (23G) boyfriend (24M) has always been a kind and loving partner to me. We moved in together several months ago and there have never been any red flags. We are in a very committed relationship that I think we both saw heading towards joint homeownership in the near future, until a couple days ago. Now I am struggling to figure out if I can continue in this relationship. Here’s what happened:
We were drinking at home and both had a little too much wine. I was feeling pretty sick from the alcohol consumption but i let him have sex with me in the kitchen anyways after turning him down a couple times. There was music playing on the speaker from his phone and while we were having sex the music went off. I turned around (he was behind me) and saw him holding the phone, and then the music came back on and he put his phone away. He never touches his phone during sex but I thought he was just turning the music back on and didn’t think much of it until after we were finished I thought back to it and asked what he was doing with the phone. He admitted to me that he had filmed a clip with his phone camera of what we were doing. He gave me his phone and told me I could delete it. The clip was short (only 7 seconds) but it made me so sick to see and that he would secretly do that when he knew I never would have agreed to comethjng like that. I deleted it and was trying to figure out how to delete it from his recently deleted tab (he has an iPhone and I have an android) when he snapped at me, grabbed the phone, and deleted it himself. He has never snapped at me before and I feel shocked about the whole situation. I feel so violated and hurt. I have always thought of him as a kind, honest, and gentle person. Could I have been wrong about him? Is it possible that was just a horrible mistake and nothing like wthis will ever happen again? I am at a loss.
The past few days we have slept in separate beds and it has been very difficult and awkward. We have had a few conversations where we have both cried and he is very apologetic. He said he is ashamed and that he has never done anything like this and won’t do anything like this again. I checked his phone to see if there was any more videos like that and there wasn’t. I believe him it won’t happen again but I just feel so violated and right now I don’t feel like I can trust him, especially after he snapped at me when he got caught. Asides from this he has always been such a good partner and I was so excited for our future together. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on our relationship but I also am scared I would be making a mistake to trust him again. I feel so lost and confused. Has anyone else been in a situation like this and gotten past it? What can be done to rebuild trust after something like this? Right now i can hardly be in the same room as him. It was essentially just a 10 second mistake on his part after treating me so well for so long but it feels like such a huge betrayal of my trust. I honestly can’t tell if I am blowing things out of proportion or if I’m underreactjng and i should just cut him loose. What do you think, reddit?
Sincerely,
Very confused
9 comments
I wouldn’t be able to, personally.
The first thing that gave me the ick was that he kept asking for sex after you said no, and you phrased it “let him have sex with me”. Like you weren’t even there? Is this something he does often? That combined with filming without consent *plus* the shitty attitude after being caught would have me packing.
How long have you guys been together? If it’s under 2 years or even a year there’s different advice id give than, let’s say, someone in a 4 year relationship. For now I’m going to pretend you’ve been together for 3-4 years or more.
Since you’re still considering staying, you should take some space and recognize what that means in the long term. Those plans of buying a house and I’m assuming marriage should probably be pushed back a couple of years. This is your sign for that, and if you decide to stay, you both need to take it slow. There is no magic way to rebuild trust, and there is no secret to doing it fast. Some people simply can not. If that is you, then you need to be honest about that to yourself and him because otherwise, you’re prolonging both of you from moving on.
No. You’re not blowing it out of proportion. It doesn’t matter if he’s made you happy for a majority of the relationship it’s still something very serious that could potentially end the relationship.
We can not tell you if you two can get past it and continue your relationship and rebuild trust. That is something you need to think about if you’re able to do especially because you’re the one seeing his actions and talking to him.
I personally would never be able to have sex with him again. And if any of the women in my life were in this situation I would tell them that a partner that loves and respects you would never violate you like this.
No. End of advice. Flat out no, you cannot trust him. Find all of them and destroy them since he can post them on the internet after you break up. Act like you love seeing it, are there more, make note of where he has stored them and destroy them all when he’s out and leave as peacefully as you can in case he still has one.
Possibly.
It won’t be easy, and it won’t be a short process, and at the end of it all you may still end up leaving the relationship.
The real question is do you want to put that effort in – yes he is the one who is going to have to put a lot of effort in rebuilding the trust, but you will as well, as it cannot be one sided. You will have to be reinforcing the level of trust that has been rebuilt, ensuring that the relationship is where you want it to be etc. because as soon as you stop reinforcing the trust, he will stop rebuilding it, and see it as wasted effort.
I think the best thing to do now is to separate for a week, no contact, and no seeing anyone else. And then after a week see how you are feeling. If after a week, he is still honestly apologetic, and ashamed of his actions, and you want to give the relationship a second chance then go for it, if not, then end it.
No.
You need to leave that piece of shit
im more concerned with “i let him have sex with me after i turned him down a couple times” no means no.