I’ve recently found out my husband has been drinking and doing cocaine after work everyday. He would lie and say he’s working overtime and he would sit in his truck and drink and use coke to mask the effects of alcohol. He said these two addictions go hand in hand. Sometimes he would go to a friends house and do it with them but mostly did these things alone. He would spend roughly $1200 a month on drugs and alcohol.
Looking back, there were signs but when I asked him if he has been drinking or using, he would lie. I had no proof so all I could do was believe him. I recently found out this has been going on for years behind my back, even before we got married, and he has racked up 12k in debt, lost majority of our investments and stole some money from me due to this addiction. I found out because I suspected something was up on friday when he was an hour late from work and demanded to see his banking statements. He only comes clean when I have actual proof so I don’t know if he is hiding anything else from me.
He is eager and willing to get treatment. He came clean to his mother with my guidance and support. She works as an infectious disease doctor and has a lot of resources for addiction. She is helping in the process.
I feel completely manipulated and betrayed. I feel like my whole life is a sham and we have been together over a decade. He said this has been going on for 5 or 6 years. It’s devastating and I feel such rage but I’m trying to be strong. I know addiction causes people to be selfish and compulsive liars but I’m worried this type of personality is ingrained in him.
Regardless, leaving him is not something I’m willing to do at this point especially when he’s struggling. He is seeking help and he has always treated me very good at surface level. Never abusive, always supports me and is very kind. Again, this is all at the surface level. I understand we have deep rooted trust issues and problems internally.
My question is, should I be separating myself from this friend group that enabled his behavior and didn’t let me know of his habits? I feel like they did not have my back (or his) and I would have found out a lot sooner if someone told me. We could have got him help years ago. I understand they were caught in the middle but I can’t help but feel they are not good people.
4 comments
Addiction isn’t even that bad but the fact that he got into debt stole money lost your investments.
It’s time to divorce, I could deal with an addict spouse who wasn’t a complete idiot
He needs to separate himself from the friend group and focus on getting clean and sober. If this has been going on for years, he will probably need at least a few months of either meetings, iop, or rehab. Long term therapy will be extremely helpful too.
You’re not wrong for being hurt though. And while I do think people aren’t themselves when they’re using drugs/alcohol, once you’ve done it for so long, those dishonest behaviors and ways of thinking do become more like second nature but part of using is numbing yourself to things so he’s been numbing himself to the guilt/shame of doing those things. When he’s sober, he’ll have a clearer head to make better decisions and be aware of any manipulative thought process that has become habitual for him. Again, therapy is what will help with this stuff. If he was like this before drugs, then yeah, that behavior is probably engrained in him. If it was only during his using, I’d say it’s safe to say he’ll be able to work through that pretty quickly if he gets help
He can’t recover with friends rhat enable and help with this behavior.
He needs to be with people that are sober. He needs to be in an addition program with a sponsor. He needs to change his life and if you have the same friends you will have the same temptations.
I would give him an ultimatum. If I found out my wife had those problems I would tell her she either has to get help or we file for divorce. Things like this are a slippery slope and it’s hard to come back from.