Dear redditers,
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DISCLAIMER
before starting i have never posted anything on reddit before, but the situation im in right now requires me to. so dont be hard on me.
also i respect her and het descission and i have never ever been pushy on her.
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me and my gf been dating since september 2022. we have known each other since 2021 ( we were colleagues) we are both adults and had past sexual relationships. we see each other 2 to 3 times a week due to busy schedules, school, work en other daily stuff.
when we see each other we often have dinner together talk, start kissing, hugging cuddling and ending up in the bedroom.
when we are in the bedroom she never takes her underwear nor get fully naked, ( i do ). her physic is very beautiful so its not that she is insecure. the only sex we have is dry sex which is rubbing on each other with our underwear on, no oral sex no nothing.
everytime i try she denys me, i dont even get to touch her downstairs.
when i asks her she dosent reply and give me the silent treatment for a few moments.
mind you in the past she was sexually active and were living with her ex bf.
the problem here is im feeling very very undesired, unattractive and totally ffed up in my heart. and this is affecting me in a bad way.
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i have never had this issue with a woman before and i dont know how to go about it.
any help or advices will be apprecitated.
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btw english is not my first language so mind you the mistakes i made while writing this post.
8 comments
Hmmh.
Try to have a deeper conversation about this topic with her. Is there something on her mind, is something bothering her?
Simplest advice is to talk to her. Not just ask her about it. Sit down together and talk. Listen to her and tell her how do you feel. Just honest, deep talk, with no accusations or anything like that.
It might be that you’re just incompatible, but do try to have the deeper conversation first to see, if it is something that is bothering her.
The best thing to do is talk to her and ask her why this is happening. Communication is really important in a relationship.
I don’t think she is denying you sex. I think she is trying to protect herself. She might not be on birth control to keep her from getting pregnant. She might have been sexually abused by her boyfriend so she doesn’t feel comfortable having sex because it reminds her of what happened. She might like you but she isn’t attracted to you. I really just guessing. You have to talk to her and find out why.
I would try to talk to her about it during a neutral time, when you’re not getting intimate. Tell her that you aren’t trying to pressure her into anything, but that you need to know what is going on because it is affecting your mental health. Maybe ask if she can write it down, if she can’t say it. Give her plenty of time to be silent if she needs it, just sit with her silently while she works up to telling you.
You could also ask if she’s worried about pregnancy, if she’s worried about STDs, if she has bad a bad experience, if she’s worried about her reputation, etc.
Something negative in a sexual manner may have happened to her. If she was previously sexually active and is now withholding…I don’t think denying, I think there is something far deeper. It is not fair on you constantly having to guess either though so maybe have a deeper conversation with her. Voice your concerns for her and maybe she might just open up. Make sure she doesn’t feel pressured to answer but she could be dealing with trauma
I would flip this question around and ask if your are withholding romance and affection from her? A lot of people really need to have that build up. For some, it’s even an all day process of mental and physical foreplay and romancing.
You may think you’re being affectionate and romantic, but maybe it’s not going well or not the right type she is looking for. I have to work very mindfully when it comes to escalating affection and romance because I’m a clueless goon when it comes to that.
She can be totally gorgeous for you but really ugly from her point of view, a lot of women you see beautiful can be really insecure, to me if she doesn’t remove her clothes it’s because she is insecure and if she doesn’t speak about it it could be she is afraid that you see her the way she sees herself or because she isn’t comfortable enough to speak about it.
To me there is nothing about you but she needs more time to be totally confortable, but that’s just my point of view
It’s not normal behavior and it probably won’t get better. If you value a good sex life you should probably move on. Find someone who enjoys sex and doesn’t have these hangups. I would advise against considering a future with this person.
You two are incompatible sexually as you have have incompatible desires and libido.
The biggest mistake you can make is thinking this is going to change or you can change her.
If she doesn’t want sex, or anything intimate enough to require her panties to come off or be reached into, then her libido is not compatible with yours. This won’t change. even if she does have sex with you it will never be the frequency you want. Either live in 100% full acceptance of this or move on.