tl;dr : she hasn’t been looking for me for sex for a while, she rejects me many times and there are no intimate dialogues. sorry about bad english
We’re 35 years old, we’ve been together for 6 years, married for 3. We’ve always had a friendly atmosphere and all, but since the second year of dating there’s been a crisis in our sex life. Suddenly, she stopped looking for me and when I approached her, I was rejected.
Here’s a parenthesis, I met her in a transitional period, she was coming out of a bohemian and promiscuous life. When we first met, she was a heavy drinker and smoker (before that, she snorted and used other drugs) and was quite uninhibited. Over time, she stopped smoking, started drinking less and less and, in the middle of this process, deleted the Instagram account with all the old photos and made a new one, where she does not post anything. At the same time, she became inaccessible for sex, incommunicable in the intimate matter and quite inhibited. Spontaneity died. Right around that time, at the height of a paranoid crisis, I made the mistake of snooping on her WhatsApp and saw her confiding to a friend that she was still thinking about her ex, especially in relation to sex. We talked, it passed, the sex life meowed but as other than that we got along very well, we ended up getting married.
Since then, marriage has been this tonic, we do things together, we talk, there’s a friendly atmosphere, she’s my sisters’ bff, etc. But as for sex, we accommodated although there was always that fog. I was always the only one to incite a dialogue on this issue, more than once I promoted joint therapy sessions but the thing never got going. It never happened, in those 6 years, that she took an initiative in this direction. There is no such intimacy between us.
And I’m a bit fed up with this situation, because I don’t believe that a marriage can be sustained that way, at least it’s not the life for two I imagine. I don’t feel admired, I don’t feel attracted to her and well, that’s a fact. I’m “like this” to ask for a divorce, apart from all that our relationship is quite established and I don’t want to settle down more and more.
2 comments
Deadbedrooms is full of stories like yours… I’m sorry it usually is all downhill from there
You can’t chang her. You can change yourself (but it will be very hard).
Any plan that is based on her changing is going to fail, so decide what changes you want to make and get to work on yourself.
A book that may help give you some ideas is call “the Mindful Attraction Plan” by Athol Kay. Instead of trying to change her or hoping she changes, it outlines some ways you can focus on becoming your best self. She might find the new you attractive. She might not, but you are now in a better position to choose your life.