I’m 36f, my husband is 38m and we’ve been married for nine years, together for three before that.
My mother lives near us and recently opened up her home to a young woman (“Julia”, 27f) in her church who lost her house in a house fire. She’s staying with her while her new house is being built. It works out well, since Julia works part time from home and my mom recently had a surgery that limits her mobility, Julia is able to help my mom out with certain things my husband and I had been doing when we weren’t at work (grocery shopping, taking her to doctors, etc). One of the things Julia has been helping my mom out with is taking my kids to the bus stop in the morning. (The biggest issue was that my mom can’t go up or down stairs, and our house is three floors). I leave for work at 6AM, my husband generally leaves at 7:00 and our sons wake up at 7:15. They’re both old enough to do most things on their own, they just need someone to make sure they get out the door by 8:10.
I recently found out that Julia and my mother have been coming over early (at 6:30) so my husband and Julia could work out together. I was a little annoyed that my husband didn’t say anything to me but he says it wasn’t a big deal, they both do hitt, it did’t even strike him as something important enough to mention to me.
Tonight when I came home I went into our bedroom and I SWORE I smelled her perfume (she wears a distinct perfume, it’s like almond and jasmine) in our room, ESPECIALLY near our bed and window. I asked my husband about it, and he got really annoyed. He was like, what are you implying? That I’m bringing her into the bedroom? And he asked me why I had ‘made my mind up’ that he was up to something, and that even though I didn’t outright accuse him of anything my questions ‘implied’ something, and it didn’t matter what he did or said, my mind was made up that he was going to cheat.
I was kind of taken aback by his reaction? It seemed pretty strong. But he says I was ‘passive aggressive’ with my questions and that I knew what I was implying.
**edit** Since so many of you are so sure that I did, in fact, accuse him… Here’s the exact wording of the question I asked him that sent him off so much:
*”Hey the bedroom smells like Julia’s perfume, was she in here?”*
Instead of answering me yes, or no, or I don’t know… He flipped out on me. So yes, I’m alarmed by that.
**edit 2, copied from a comment that seems relevant:** When I asked about the perfume I *really* wasn’t thinking about him cheating. I wanted to know the reason for her being in there-did I forget something for my kids, was the dog acting up, did we loose something? His reaction made me suspicious though.
He says he didn’t tell me about them working out because he thought I’d feel “left out”.
42 comments
This is crazy I would not let that woman in my house when I’m not there
hes being manipulative. talk to julia maybe?
Did he actually answer your question about whether Julia was in your bedroom?
His reaction seems to strong for the question you asked. There are a multitude of plausible answers that would make sense, not just you accusing him of an affair…I mean she does help with the mornings routine daily.
Had he not reacted that why, I would say to let it go, she was probably in your room to help your mom, sons, or husband with something innocent. However, the ways you have worded it, it sounds like his reaction was very defensive.
If I were you, I would not have my guard up and my eyes open. Maybe put a recorder under your bed and where he worksout before you leave…🧐
Question – does your husband and Julia communicate outside of your mom (text, phone calls, Snapchat)?
Nanny cam your bedroom.
Why are they texting ? and if he is innocent why is he blowing up at you for asking a simple question? He already hid they were working out so why wouldn’t you be suspicious since he is already hiding things ??? Tell him his attitude to a simple questions is the red flag convincing you that he is acting shady. All you did was ask a question because her perfume was in your room.
“Forget” something when you leave in the morning so you have to go back home at the time that she is there.
Might want to start paying attention to what goes around in your house. Get cameras and look for clues. His reaction was definitely too aggressive and almost guilty
So…firstly:
>One of the things Julia has been helping my mom out with is taking my kids to the bus stop in the morning.
She’s not helping your mum, she is helping you and your husband. You are responsible for your kids, not your mum.
Secondly:
>I recently found out that Julia and my mother have been coming over early (at 6:30) so my husband and Julia could work out together.
With your mother in the house, they are sneaking away to have sex in the 30 minutes between arriving and when he needs to be ready to leave the house?
You know your husband best I guess, but a 30 to at most 45 minute window that involves your mum seems like a big leap to me.
His reaction is sketch. If he’s not guilty, why do defensive? Idk, I’d pay closer attention to this one. I hope we are all wrong
Your approach depends on whether you want to save your marriage regardless of what he’s done or not.
If you want to save it then get that woman out of your house tomorrow.
Your husband is either cheating or incredibly naive if he believes that he didn’t need to ask or tell you about Julia and him working out together. That needs to stop as that’s a huge red flag and ask him to set that as a boundary that you don’t want crosse. If Julia wants to work out she can go and pay for a gym membership.
On the one hand, ‘he doth protest to much’ on the other hand you have made up your mind, and you did imply something happened, and it probably doesn’t matter at the moment, and definitely not when you asked your question to him, what he said or did.
How trustworthy and respectful has your husband been in the past? Has there been anything to give you pause, even though it ended up being nothing?
If yes, then cameras, or forgetting something after you leave to come back and catch whatever is happening – you need more proof before you do anything permanent.
If no then talk to him about it, tell him that you just want to know what is happening, did he notice her going anywhere near the bedrooms etc.
The gambit of possibilities runs from she went in there to just be nosy through to full on carnal adventures happening in there. But the smell alone of her perfume is not quite enough to make a firm decision on.
Could it be that he didn’t mention the workouts because he knew you would react badly? Not saying it’s the best way to handle it, but maybe this is your MO?
So you think in the 30 odd minutes she comes over. Her and your husband have sex in your bedroom while your kids are waking up and your mom is there?
I mean… I guess it’s possible but seems not plausible.
I mean your mother in law is there the whole time and 30min isn’t much time to do much of anything. I mean depending on how often you have brought up being upset about him not telling you. I could see him legitimately getting upset.
But I always say trust your gut. Investigate and maybe come back to the house that your forgot something. Or set up one or two of those cheap spy cams.
The investigation is invasive but its the only way to know. If nothing turns up you have to let it go you cant constantly be investigation.
I caught my EX about a few months after I stopped looking.
Get hidden camera. Wait a few days and don’t say anything. Check footage. That will give you the answers you need
Honestly it can be both.
Your husband might be really defensive because he is cheating or because he is accused of something he didn’t do. I know I would get pretty mad if my partner accused me of cheating.
So yeah, keep an eye open. But don’t make accusation you are not sure of
Wtf…your insecurities may be getting to you. You just smelt something…that someone who frequents your house wears..
You have a suspicion. Your gut tells you something is amiss.
Do you destroy your family because of your suspicion, or do you do the work required to find facts?
You can “trust your gut” and ruin what may be a faithful and honest relationship. You can be gullible and pretend it could never happen to you, or you can choose a 3rd option and choose to do some due diligence.
Nanny cam, review credit card statements, do you use a shared family plan for your cell phones? Can you leave for work and the return home unexpectedly?
Like a lazy cop you cant crack a case unless the bad guy literally confesses.
You need to learn hard facts. Then ask questions that you know the answer to. Does he lie? Do the facts show this?
Right now you have paranoia and suspicion. That is enough to motivate you to find out facts. At the moment you have reason to do some real work. We don’t know what is going on in your house.
So you think your husband is fucking Julia while your mom is there and during short 30-35 min window before he goes to work and your kids wake up?
Have you asked you Mom anything?
Info: is this the first time you have suspected him to be cheating, and if yes, were you right or was he innocent?
The meaning of his reaction could go either way. When someone is accused of something they find despicable, it’s not uncommon to be offended and angry. It may be that your husband is upset you don’t trust him. Ideally, he should have been patient and lovingly reassured you. I wouldn’t say that alone makes him suspicious unless there are other red flags.
You said your mom comes over with her so they can exercise. Is your mom there the whole time? That would be make it difficult to cheat if his MIL is there, right? Do you know whose idea it was to work out together?
For your own peace of mind, get a hidden camera so you don’t have to wonder.
She no longer takes care of your children, is allowed over, and all workout sessions end. It’s not a simple thing for him to stick to. What would he want from your new male workout pal he smelled in your bedroom, if the roles were reversed?
What the hell was your mother thinking with this? Why didn’t she at least let you know?
In my experience people usually only get that defensive when they don’t want to answer. He danced around the question all while shifting the blame onto you. Sounds like gaslighting to me. And people only do that when they’re hiding something.
OP if I were you I’d get few hidden cameras and set them up in your house. The tapes won’t lie and you’ll get your questions answer one way or another.
Ask your mum.
Reaction could go either way.
And often on reddit you would see it’s the ones accusing all the time that are cheating.
Yeah. You know him best, and if this seems wildly out of character for him….If he hasn’t physically over-stepped, it sounds like he has at least thought about it, and so he’s lashing out at you for calling him out.
Now every time something happens it will be more “evidence” you are “paranoid and insecure”.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, and I hope I’m wrong. But intuition rarely is.
For me the most suspicious thing is him not mentioning that he is working out with her in your home. You could judge his reaction either way, he could be defensive because you accused him of something he’d never dream of doing OR he is already hitting on/cheating with Julia.
Now, you have to put this suspicion to rest without breaking your marriage in case your spouse is innocent. How is your relationship with your mother? My mom would NEVER bring a younger woman to workout with my husband behind my back even though my husband is incredibly honest and faithful. The fact that your mom does that is kind of weird to me.
If you have a good relationship with her and trust that she won’t tattle to anyone, ask her point blank if something seems off to her. I’d also ask her if there is a way to prevent Julia from coming over more than necessary. If your mom mentions this to Julia or your husband things might go to shit so be careful. Nanny cam is a fool proof way of finding out what’s going on but it is a huge break of trust and I’d only use it if absolutely necessary.
I’d also have a conversation with your husband along the lines of “I’m not accusing you of anything but this woman makes me uncomfortable and unhappy, can we please only interact with her when necessary”. You are his wife and you are allowed to have some say over his friendship with other women as long as you aren’t being overly controlling and neurotic.
his reaction said it all really .
The people in this sub really love jumping to conclusions. You have no solid evidence against your husband yet, so I agree with the people suggesting walking back in like you’ve forgotten something. The nanny cam seems a bit of a strech, considering that is technically “spying” on your husband. Has he ever done anything to make you question your trust for him before?
Maybe her scent got on one of the children. Maybe on your Mom. Maybe she went in there to change. Maybe to use the bathroom. Maybe this is in your mind. Are you going to believe your spouse? Or are you going to assume he’s a lying, cheating, sneaky, malicious prick who would screw around WITH your Mom in the house. Is it time to burn your own house down, metaphorically speaking, by accusing your husband of screwing around, lying, maybe following some of the absolutely crazy advice on here to plant recording devices, because of a whiff in the air? Why do you believe your husband is so unfulfilled in your marriage he would risk it all, WITH your Mom in the house? Is he such a terrible human being that he would tear your family apart, turn an otherwise solid relationship on its head for a quickie in YOUR bedroom, with a likelihood of being caught by YOUR Mom. If you believe all that, he’s truly a sick fuck.
They’ve been working out together at the OP’s house. and no one is willing to give the OP information?
It’s enough for me to dig further to give me peace of mind. Don’t ask your husband any more questions. Work quietly. Watch out for this “nice girl,” as well—the “nice girl” who doesn’t bother to mention to the OP that she’s been working out with the OP’s husband. I will get evidence and install a camera in the gym room. To anyone who says, “So do you think they are having sex during this 30 minutes of time where MIL was there?” Well, 30 minutes is good enough for a quickie.
I thought you were going to tell a tale of you constantly asking him about other women, working yourself up every time he’s nice to a waitress, etc. Accusations of multiple affairs. I wasn’t expecting you to ask about perfume in your bedroom and get a full-on gaslighting for one simple question.
I’d be very very worried and suspicious if I were you.
He’s porking her. Install cameras now
Please post an update AFTER you install the nanny cam- it’s WEIRD AS FUCK
The whole thing is odd to me. I work out 4 times a week in the mornings, and if someone starts to join me. I would have had the conversation with my spouse. Second, why would you be smelling her perfume? If I’m working out, perfume is not something I’m putting on my body. Do you smell it in other parts of the house?
When you said you smelled the perfume in your bedroom, was your concern that she was in your room or that your spouse was cheating? Is there a history with your spouse?
I’d find it extremely odd that someone was in my bedroom when there was no legitimate reason to be. The husband’s reaction would make me really suspicious. If she’s gone to get something or he didn’t know then he’d have answered. So there’s another reason and it’s one he doesn’t want to share with the OP. I’d be asking my mum and getting a camera.
Trust your gut. She was in your room.
Hard to know yet, I remember watching a video where interrogated innocents had a bigger tendency to get offended by implications than guilty people.
It all depends on your husband’s record, has he reacted like this in the past or it’s super unusual?
You are allowed to feel distrustful because well he kept information from you. That they are coming over to work out for example. How long has he decided not to tell you? What else has he not told you? Like does he meet a buddy for coffee for past 10 years you didn’t know about? It just keeping information from you assuming you will be a bad guy about it so yes you can feel hurt too. Because he doesn’t f trust you to tell you simple things in his life such as who is in your home with your children. Who he is hanging out with. It like you don’t matter neither do your thoughts or feelings in his home bubble. He was dishonest about something he didn’t need to be dishonest about. What he like when he has something to actually hide there is no open communication or trust here.
And you are the bad guy for asking. Fur Wanting to know a fuller picture. How dare you ask about perfume in your personal space even though you just discovered his change of morning routine which wasn’t voluntary disclosed.
Good luck
This sounds fishy but not concrete. Maybe “forget something” or put a nanny cam (or both). She could have gone there to snoop or look for valuables, or he could be cheating, either way you would know.
UpdateMe! Please
On the surface, all of this is thin grounds for what is a very serious accusation.
But here is why you aren’t in the wrong:
He lied.
How? By omission.
If things were so casual as he says, he would have said, “hey honey, X was here today and we went for a workout.” Or “hey honey, X was in our room for (insert mundane reason)”.
The fact that he didn’t disclose information to you because he understood you would, at the very least, have some follow-up questions means he is very capable of lying to you.. and that erodes trust very quickly.
Now, add in a pinch of gaslighting and the dismissal of your concerns, and you have yourself a situation.
The circumstances are explainable. His reaction is suspicious.
Now, even if he hasn’t cheated, is his behavior acceptable?
If a co-worker gave you the same flimsy excuses, you’d add them onto your shitlist so fast and NOT support them at work.
Why would you accept it from him? The person who is supposed to have your back?