Its been about a year and my husband and I havent had a date night. We have family dates with my daughter but not dates with just us 2. Our sex life is almost non-existent. We probably had sex about 12 times in the past year. That’s once or twice a month. Some months we just didn’t have sex. I ask for romance allll the time, but he doesn’t get it. I just want to feel like a priority to him but I feel like an obligation. If we get a sitter, we plan an awesome evening and then his bestfriend calls and he invites him and his wife to tag along. This would be ok if we EVER had alone time together, but because we don’t, it really gets under my skin. He also annoys me around his friends because he acts so happy and fun. And he doesn’t really act that way with me when we go out. If we’re at dinner and I say lets get drinks or takes shots, he looks judgy and will say he just wants a water. If his friend comes, he will be like “Hell yea!! Shots shots shots!” He gave me the silent treatment on our anniversary last year because I asked if he would pay the bill. He said he would treat me but didn’t want to once the bill came. His anger didn’t make me want to sleep with him that night. A few days later his bestfriend asked to double date at the restaurant I ORIGINALLY wanted to go to. (much more expensive) He said HELL YEA! At the restaurant he paid $100 towards his friends bill. He paid for mine in front of them. When we got home he told me to zelle him immediately for my portion of the bill.
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Anyway, his bday is coming up and we had a HUGE day planned. We had activities planned from morning to night and found a sitter. We’ve needed this! So yesterday he tells me his bestfriend is coming with us. His bestfriend doesn’t drive, so hes going to literally be with us the entire time and he will have to take him home at night. He said his friend just said he wanted to come and my husband couldn’t tell him no… No problem disappointing me. So anyway, because its HIS birthday I feel like I cant say anything, but I am sooooo pissed. I was ready to do some very sexual things and now we cant. He could’ve hung with his friends anytime since he took off several days for his bday. It feels like he hates doing things alone with me, even though he denies it, but COME ON!!! If I say anything, he asks like im clingy and that enrages me.
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Any advice?? Am I overreacting? Am I crazy for wanting alone time sometimes?! It wouldn’t bother me at all if we had our time together but we never do. We NEVER do…
13 comments
It is very important and you’re not crazy at all for craving that. It was really hard for my wife and I to get alone time after our second child was born. We’d try to plan a night out every couple months.
I will say it does get easier. Now our kids are in school full time so we get a lot of day dates or just alone time at home together while they’re in school and it’s wonderful.
I’d sit your partner now and talk to him. Make sure there’s zero distractions when you talk so you have his full attention. Then express exactly what is missing in your relationship. How many dates would make you happy each month and how often would you like sex. Then ask him what he preference would be as well and if they don’t line up find out why.
Besides that sounds like maybe finances is a shaky subject as well. Not sure how you guys manage that but that’s usually a hot topic in marriages as well. You guys keep your money separate? I know that works for some people, seems crazy to me. We pool our money together and just go from there. If one of us wants to make a major purchase we discuss it before hand. Otherwise we just stick to our budget. Money is in a joint account we both have access to.
Sounds like he simply doesn’t like you. Nor does he respect you.
He’s exhibiting adolescent behavior that’s incongruous with an adult marriage. Your money management seems awfully strange to me. Don’t you share finances? What a bizarre relationship!
So why are you married to this person?
Honey you’re not crazy and you absolutely deserve your husband’s full attention! This post makes my heart hurt on your behalf. Your husband is giving too many red flags to be honest. You should seriously consider marriage counselling. This is not normal or a healthy, loving relationship, and do not let anyone gaslight you into believing it is. For him, the marriage sounds like an obligation he has to fulfil, not a relationship he has to nurture.
Marriages are not perfect and not panaceas; they are work. Look to ensure the pillars of a LTM are there: Trust, Communication, Sexual compatibility, and Some (just a few) common interests.
Remember no one is unhappy or happy because of someone else. Period.
If the pillars (any) are missing; you are in for a long haul of misery. If you have them but there is a small bump or a crack in the pillars; be honest, be direct, and get professional help if possible.
You that you’re not off-base to want time alone with your husband! I’d feel resentful over the best friend being invited along too! The situation with him wanting you to Zelle him the money immediately, after he kicked $100 to the friend– that’s so rude. You’re going to need to sit him down and remind him that things that are neglected tend to die– and that goes for relationships. This is a need you have, to spend alone time with him. He needs to make you a priority. He might listen. He might not. I hope he hears it and adjusts his behavior accordingly.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. My husband and I have our issues, but he genuinely likes to spend time with me. We each have friends, but I’ve mostly felt like I am my husband’s preference for hanging out. And we are far from the perfect marriage.
This post reads to me like your husband is treating you like the “old ball and chain”. Like, there is “yaaaay, friends, fun!” and then, there is “the wife”. The obligation, as you say.
I honestly don’t know if that’s a mindset that can be changed. Maybe, with couples counselling?
In the meantime, if I were you, I would start forging more independent friendships and activities without him. Not as a punishment for him, but to try and make your own life more fulfilling. And to have more solid ground available to stand on if it doesn’t work out. It’s risky, hanging all of your happiness on what your spouse does.
Honestly, it sounds like he’s hanging on to a lot of resentment or something? At this point, I’d tell him that if he wants to stay married, he’s got to go to marriage counseling with you. Yes, I would use an ultimatum when I don’t usually recommend those. It really honestly sounds like he doesn’t even like you.
As a married man of 27 years, I can tell you I would never ever allow myself or my wife be like this, ever!! Something is very, very wrong here….he’s either cheating on you, or you’re simply not compatible. I am one who, on my birthday, would tell my own mother she couldn’t come along just so I can be alone with my wife. Time to put your foot down (rationally) and tell HIM of the sexual things you had planned that are now out the window, and express for the LAST time, how you feel and what needs to change so that your needs are being met.
You know his friends number? Tell him you plan to do some romantic things with the husband and would appreciate him not coming.
Sounds like he just doesn’t want to be in this with you tbh. His behavior screams “I don’t want to be alone with her”. None of it is a coincidence or an oversight. He just doesn’t know how to tell you because he feels guilty but he has trouble hiding it and pushes you away subconsciously to twist your arm into pulling the trigger for him.
He keeps showing you that you are not a priority. Really think if you are ok spending the rest of your life wanting romantic gestures, that you know you are not going to get, and seeing how he treats other people better than you.
Just tell him all this and that you’re frustrated
Your husband is in love with his friend and that’s probably why your sex life is lacking.
You deserve better. And you’re still young so I’m sure you’ll find it.