I (22F) have always understood my friends. I know that they are busy, and don’t always have the energy to socialize even when they do have time. But there was a time that I am very sad and I needed a friend. A friend that I messaged back then wasn’t available. He told me he can call once he got home and asked me if I was okay. But he never did call, nor asked if how I was feeling the day after. My other friends did not ask me how I was feeling either despite of them seeing my sad private posts on instagram.
I have always understood my friends that they are not always available, but it somehow makes me sad to think whether do I always have to say something just for them to notice? It’s sad that I have always been there for them but they aren’t when I needed them. I understand that we all have our own shit to deal with but this is just sad.
TLDR – How do I deal with busy friends who do not have the time and energy to ask how I was feeling
10 comments
You make better friends. And when a friend starts to distance themself from you, as your current friend did, you accept it and stop considering them a close friend.
Totally get this. I am going through a rough time and my friend hasn’t asked me about it once. Same with the sad story as well… they just view jt. Just learn to be alone and learn to be your own friend. People are weird and going through their own stuff and it sucks but the older I get, the more I experience this.
Going through the same thing. I’m doing my best to pull away and stop exerting myself for people that wouldn’t do it for me. It’s heartbreaking but it’ll heal in time.
Our of curiosity, how often are you sad? Do you make sad posts often? Do you call your friends regularly when you are sad? Do you reach out when you aren’t sad?
Pick one friend (the one you feel you have the best relationship with) and tell her/him what you told us here.
Then ask whether s/he thinks the way you are feeling is a reasonable way to feel about the situation.
If not, press the friend for an alternative way to view things.
How to deal well there are a few paths maybe a mix is also needed. Find new friends this does not mean leave old ones. Learning to find other methods of soothing yourself from pain. I think of the man that is watch a ball game and then goes blank. Distancing yourself from your friends a bit more. Another is an unhealthy path which is to develop apathy. There are more I’m running out of ideas.
I’m concerned with you posting sad stuff. What are you doing about your sadness? Why do you think posting sad stuff means people should go out of their way to message you. Are you young? It seems like you’re only reaching out when you need emotional support and also passively aggressively posting sad stuff in the hopes someone reaches out. If they do, do you hear their advice? Have you heard of cognitive behavioural therapy.
I would recommend just reaching out to your friends directly. Anytime I see a sad post, I think it’s just for attention and I don’t give it because… well, if we are friends and if you truly had a problem, you would reach out directly.
Just be a human, that’s what you were born to be.
I am a man. I am really fucking used to being looked over and unimportant.
Also I don’t speak well. So I am used to no one wanting to talk with me.
I am used to no one asking me how I am.
It’s normal I guess for men to be seen as a resource and not some one you need to care for.
But it sucks.
I am bad at socializing. It’s tough
But that is also who you are.
People like you more than you think they do. It’s just a negative attitude in your head
I don’t know, the “you’re not as important to some people as they are important to you” did happened multiple times to me. I get sad and over time it passes.
However, I have noticed one thing – in both your post and your comments you kinda make yourself unimportant, putting emphasis on “they have other stuff to do”. One thing I noticed over time that what you want from people, how you talk about yourself and what you ask for preselect people who will be your friends and establishes relationships. If you make yourself unimportant, you pick friendships with people who want friends to never want anything – they wont be available to help. If you insult yourself, you pick friendship with people who want low confidence friends – they wont like it if you get confident. If you are always full of understanding and act as if your wishes did not mattered, you will pick friends that want this – and will act like you do something wrong first time you assert yourself.
The other thing I noticed is that hinting and passive telling work significantly less often and directly asking for what you need works better. People dont read minds. People feel insecure about responding to hints, because they are unsure how or what. And many good friends will appreciate being told directly what you need, assuming it is not overly often.