For quick info,
I was sexually assaulted as a child for a long time period.
It was not rape, or something like that.
My grandmother was schizophrenic and she had this delusion of “that my father was raping me”
She would harass me verbally, tell me to not let him do bad things to me, and stuff like that
Some nights she would physically examine my anus to see any signs of rape. (There wasn’t any, she was just looking for something to feed her crazy delusions)
This lasted between my ages of 6 to 15
………And fast forward to today.
I’ve been clubbing for like 6 months, i dance so well, i entertain people so much, im just the type of guy that gets lots of compliments from both genders.
They all say im the star of the dance floor.
I attract some girls, i can see and feel that they are interested in me, eventually we dance and they expect me to make a move on them, (like a normal man would do) , to hold them close, lean in for a kiss or grind on them.
^ every single time that i reach this step, my mind just paralyzes, i don’t know what to do, my hormones don’t work and guide me on what to do (I’m a straight male)
I feel like if i lean in for a kiss, or at least hold them in the back and pull them closer, that it’s wrong.
”
I’m doing something wrong if i try to kiss them,
It’s wrong that i hold them and pull them closer.
It’s sexual assault, im a pervert, im a rapist,im a creep.
”
Those are the feelings i get whenever i want to step further.
I don’t know how to get over it, it’s a burden, i want to get over this.
6 comments
Go to therapy
Now, this is something that is very complex and goes beyond a certain ramification in your brain, it’s considerable fear induced reaction, sort of like what the Ludovico technique was supposed to force.
It can happen post traumas and it’s not uncommon, so there’s only a few things you can try:
1) get over what your mind tells you and commit to at least get past a step that blocks you. This should allow you to see how it actually feels and open your eyes (metaphorically, and I emphasize the “should”);
2) you talk about the issue to someone you’re comfortable with, preferably a therapist, and free yourself from the traumatic event putting a mental and sentimental closure to it (easier said than done).
Either way, just know that sometimes your brain, according to how it grew up, will push you off things you may want to do associating them with fear, disgust or stress. If you simply commit and get over the first step, these feelings usually go away, it may be forever, it may be till you find yourself in that situation again.
Hey, as a fellow survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I just want to say I’m sorry that happened to you and that you can get better. Healing is a journey that takes time and effort, but you can get there. I am still working on it myself. I used to be so afraid of sex and dating and kissing, but now I’m in a happy and loving relationship. I still have flashbacks sometimes, but I know how to get through them and they’re happening less and less.
Is therapy an option for you? It helps most people.
First off I want to say I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I want to let you know this is a completely valid feeling/reaction and it is natural to have those feelings. In my experience dealing sexual trauma it is most important for me to validate those feelings in the moment. I thank the thought and help it move on. Mentally I would think “i hear you and your concern but I am strong and I know if they say stop I will stop because I know what it feels like.” Also clearly asking consent may help. For example “may I kiss you” or “may I hold you.” Many women will be thrilled for that level of respect.
Im here if you ever need to talk 🥰 i may not be much help but im a good vent
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