So we met about 5.5 months ago. Chemistry wise, we are both very very compatible (hours FLY by). But I come from a bit more of a conservative background, and she does have a little bit of a lifestyle that’s foreign to me and my family (ie. alcohol, marijuana, etc).
I really do like her, and I did feel in love at certain times so far, but recently it’s felt like she has been a very close friend, rather than a girlfriend. For me, I think attraction is built heavily on emotions, so once the difference in values sort of showed up (ie. she’s more hedonistic, I’m more family and growth oriented and honestly a bit more serious and hard nosed), I felt a bit of unattraction to her (ie. noticed flaws in her appearance I didn’t care about before).
But my question is, should I try and fight through these feelings, broaden my horizons in terms of compatibilities and incompatibilities, and try and work through the differences in values? If so, how? And how long should I try fighting through them for as well?
I’m sorta old now. And honestly, I’m unsure if I’m anxious and stereotyping her due to her lifestyle or if it’s a gut feeling telling me it won’t work. I feel as if the fact that she values going out with her friends on her nights off and drinking (maybe getting completely drunk once a month) means as a life partner, she wouldn’t be a great fit in my family, where we are more traditional, family oriented, and to be honest we all care a lot about self improvement (ie. gym, meditation, etc) and she doesn’t so much from what I’ve seen (ie. her diet isn’t the best and she doesn’t exercise).
I am SO conflicted. I like her a lot, my dating pool is also shrinking and I want kids eventually, but I don’t know if she’s the right fit. The more traditional girls however just don’t match the chemistry I have with her. This is my first medium-length relationship as well if that factors in.
tldr: I like this girl a lot, been seeing her a few months, but I’m wondering if I should broaden my horizons and encompass her values and be more accepting of them and try and “fight” for us since relationships are indeed work, or go with my gut feeling (which unfortunately may also just be anxiety) which says she isn’t the right fit.
Thanks for reading, now help me make a life-defining decision strangers!
6 comments
First of all, As a fellow thirty year old – we are NOT dead lol. You act like your prospects have shriveled up and you’re on your deathbed. Relax, man. You’re making me have an existential crisis here. 😅
Anyways, I think you need to have a sit down conversation with her to see what her goals and long term plans are. It’s fine to go out and have fun with friends, but if it’s a priority in her life and not yours maybe it’s not a right fit. Maybe she wants to settle down and have a family, but you just haven’t talked about it. Maybe she doesn’t want that or maybe she wants to wait 5 years. You’re never going to know without talking to her.
It’s going to sound pretty fuckin out there, but it is possible to find someone with the same values *and* who you share chemistry with. You don’t have to settle for one or the other and, my brother in Christ, we are 30 *not* dead. There is still time 💀
You already know you aren’t compatible, and are starting to feel less attraction- those are both the biggest signs this isn’t for you.
Jesus christ she needs to run away,
Have a conversation with her about this! Ask her her future goals and aspirations. if she wants kids soon what that family dynamic would look like etc
First of all, if you were a woman, you would be getting old. You are not. You are a man, and the 30’s and 40’s are a mans best years. The womans best years are from late teens to 29. After that, panic sets in, because her child bearing years are close to end. This actually means your dating pool is expanding.
Dude, you need to grow some balls. If a woman likes you, you will be her priority. You will not need to keep on like you do. Be a man, ffs.
Old? Old at 30?
Im twice your age and don’t consider myself old – and I’d stab anyone that suggested so (joking).
There is no ‘desperation’ in these times – only the desperation of your own making.
I would advise you not to settle – if your gut tells you that you’re not a good fit – then you’re not. Values matter hugely in a long term relationship, and if they don’t align, then you cant force them into alignment. Love is important but shared values keep you together through the good and the hard times.
You still have plenty of time – you just need to extend your timeline in terms of marriage and children. You will meet someone that has similar values and with who you have chemistry. Just give it more time.
Think of it this way – it’s great that youve realised this now! That’s what dating is about.