I always hear from other people “you’re such a great listener”. Most of my social interactions end up centering around the other person or people. I even went to school to be a counselor because this is a skill that comes very naturally to me, and I’m able to probe deeply into other people, ask questions, and hold space for others to process. I love learning about other people. And, because of past trauma, this tendency also served as a defense mechanism. It’s safe to not be vulnerable and not share myself. And since the majority of people in this world are inherently selfish, it’s worked out just fine.
However, my feelings towards this long-standing dynamic are changing lately as I heal more. I do want to connect with people. I want it to be conversationally and emotionally reciprocal and balanced. My problem is, I feel very stuck. Unless someone asks me a specific question and holds space for me to slowly reflect and answer, I feel utterly incapable of sharing my thoughts, my feelings, any part of me really.
Any advice? How do I overcome this seemingly immense barrier? Because of my observation that most people are selfish, and because I am genuinely interested in others, I don’t see how I’ll ever achieve connection and social balance unless I become something I’m not.
2 comments
Hey there. Lots of social awareness here which is really good. The fact that you have a background in counseling will hopefully make this easier.
The solution I see right off the start is pretty easy. You want to start setting better boundaries with yourself and with other people. You don’t have to become something that you’re not…you have to become something that you are meant to become. If this is a recurring problem in your life and you feel the need to change it, then right now is the best time to make the change.
Some boundaries I could see helping you here:
1) Tell your people (friends, family, etc) that you have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of support and space you provide to other people, and that you need to feel the same space and support reciprocated. Tell your people that you need them to ask you more often about how you’re doing, what challenges you’re facing, and where you are struggling in life. This will help open the door to you sharing your feelings more.
2) Practice sharing your thoughts, feelings, and that part of you that is hidden. Practice it first by writing it down. Read it aloud. Say it without reading it. And then ask a friend to enter a vulnerable space with you where you both share your feelings about XYZ. It is OK to lead with how they are doing, but if you would prefer to be the one leading, then you have to face some fear and go for it. Most often your people will reciprocate your vulnerability and see it as a strength, and the connection will deepen. This is the goal!
3) Work on your mindset. I can see by your last paragraph that you’re not sure you can actually achieve your goal. Well, the first thing I would do is work on that belief. You can pry away at it with another writing practice. Grab a paper and pen right now and right down the following: “I achieve connection by being my authentic self. At times others are selfish, but I am open and receiving relationships that are giving and supportive.” Feel free to change it, but write this every day for a week, once in the morning and once at night. See if you notice any changes in your thinking.
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I could keep going but I think this would be a good start. If you actually put these steps in place, I’m pretty positive you’ll see good results.
Same I been watching some YouTube videos and starting reading more which has helped me and also started recording myself on my phone