I (NB21) have been dating Mak (M20) for about 6 months now.
We have great chemistry outside the bedroom but, whenever it comes to inside the bedroom, I’m horribly bored.
We’re polyamorous, and my other partner and I have FANTASTIC sex. Kinky, intense, romantic, and WITH VERY OPEN COMMUNICATION. Basically, the works.
When mak and I have sex… I feel like I’m fucking a piece of cardboard. Not because he’s not into it that much, but because he doesn’t rlly talk, at all, doesn’t ask me what I want, doesn’t tell me what he wants, doesn’t try anything new, and is almost exclusively focused on orgasms.
He cums really quick with no warning, and then I’m supposed to stop touching him till he makes me cum and then there isn’t rlly any aftercare.
It’s just… boring. I’ve told him how kinky I am and what my needs are and how he needs to communicate more and he’s SAID he’ll try but that was like… 3 months ago. Sex is so important to me and I feel zero improvement from his end (except for the fact he actually managed to make me cum last week finally…)
I do really like him in every other aspect and I don’t wanna be shallow by breaking up with someone over sex… idk what to do
12 comments
Sexual incompatibility is a major reason for many breakups.
Naw it’s not especially when you are young
Sexual chemistry is very important in a relationship and it’s not shallow to end things because it’s just not good.
Maybe try to bring kinky stuff into it yourself and see if he responds then. Maybe he just needs a bit of extra stimulus? If that doesn’t work then I’m not sure there is much more to try.
If sex is important to you, and you have communicated, then you’ve done what you can do.
He can be a great guy but not a suitable partner for you and that’s ok.
It’s up to you, a great thing about polyamory is you don’t need to have all of your needs met by one partner.
Being bad in bed is a dealbreaker for me though and you shouldn’t feel bad about making room in your life for people who do fill your needs.
I could have written this! My partner seems really similar to yours. And at this point, I’m just tired of trying to initiate what I want and not have it be met while always doing what he wants (because I do love to please and pleasure him).
Even tho I’m poly, I really only have sex within a connected relationship, so and sex is like 75% of that relationship. I need people I’m in a relationship with to fulfill my sex needs. If they don’t, they just feel like good friends to me.
That said, my partner is awesome in so many other ways. Part of me says “be patient and see what develops”. But another part of me is exhausted from trying to initiate, and if I take the pressure off him by Initiating less, I’m worried he will fall into the friend zone.
There is nothing wrong with breaking up over bad sex.
The idea that breaking up over poor sexual compatibility is somehow “shallow” is an idea society has put in our heads that I consider extremely damaging. I don’t blame you at all for feeling this way, but its a conditioning thing we’ve got to get past. “We should be better than that, and care about what really matters, like how pleasant the afternoon was” *screewwww you*. Don’t make people feel guilty for wanting a wide range of compatibility. Some of us want good sex with our partner, and there is absolutely nothing shallow or wrong there. It’s just another aspect of compatibility, like how you might want someone that likes to watch movies with you, or someone who likes to have long conversations, or someone who likes to try fun new food. Sex is a HUGE point of connection and bonding in many relationships. I have a relationship with a ton of sexual compatibility layered over other amazing compatibility, and it’s hard to imagine wanting to be anywhere else. Never dismiss your needs unless you can determine that they’re really truly unreasonable… and wanting to not “feel like cardboard” in bed is *not* unreasonable.
You gave this guy *months* to get better. At this point, it’s a fair bet he’s either the type who won’t really try, or who only takes this sort of thing seriously *for a bit* whenever it gets to a breaking point, which is a TAXING cycle to live in. If you want, you can keep giving him a shot at proving he can be better… maybe he just needs some very explicit communication about how important this is to you. That could be worth it if you **really like** the rest of the relationship. But just be mindful. People get stuck doing that for YEARS, and the longer they hold out, the harder it is to finally call it. Try not to spend so long being unhappy! Don’t be afraid to draw a line and look somewhere else.
That dissatisfaction you feel with him now is only going to get worse with time if nothing changes. It’s not shallow, and I worry your sense of shame about breaking up with someone over this is keeping you from making the right decision. Try to let go of the idea that there is *anything* wrong with calling a relationship off over bad sex, and then see how you feel…
You can break up for any reason. Bad sex is one of them. I’ve done it. And will again if I need to. I need good sex. Otherwise we are just friends.
You are 21. Break up for any reason that you want. Find out what you dont want. Communicate and have fun.
Not wrong. I even got divorced because of bad sex, so 🤷♀️
First of all, it is not shallow to break up over something that is important to you.
Second, talk to him again. Tell him that you didn’t see change and this is important to you so how is he going to implement change and how can you help him?