I(22 F) have been with my boyfriend(24 M) for awhile and he’s been nothing but perfect. But I carry into this relationship alot of insecurity and self image issues, and often ask him questions which answers I know will upset me.
He doesn’t talk about his ex(23 F),
who he was together with for a year much, so recently I asked him to share why they broke up, and he told me they were both too busy from work and school. This made me upset, as they didnt break up because the relationship didnt work but rather because of circumstances. To me then it seems like they could have very well still been together.
I confided this to him, and I guess he was trying to comfort me, but what he said made me feel worse. He told me that she most probably lost feelings for him and used work as an excuse, and he just went along with it. Stupidly, I asked if he wanted to still be with her at that point, and he admitted he did. I felt so terrible, knowing that she was the one who left him. She didn’t give him a reason to dislike her or blame her for the relationship ending, and I just cant stop thinking about how if she still liked him they would have still been a couple. I cant stop stalking her socials and comparing myself to her. She was his first time in bed, and from what i can see shes smarter, more mature, skinnier and most probably more put together than me.
I hate feeling like this, and its starting to leak out into my interactions with him via me being upset and always asking stuff about her. I love him so much, so I’m really afraid these terrible feelings I have will ruin our relationship. I really want to be better for him and myself, but I don’t know how to stop being like this. How can i stop feeling insecure about his ex? How can I frame the situation in my mind to feel better about this? I know if he was to complain about her I would probably feel better, but i know its toxic and unhealthy, and hes too nice a person to do so.
tldr My boyfriends ex left him 4 years ago and im unhealthily obsessed with her, how can i stop comparing myself to her and being fixed on his past?
5 comments
You’re doing this to yourself. Why?
You need to not pull this shit.
So like sometimes relationships don’t work out for logistical reasons. You have to let go of the notion that there is some soul mate out there for you, one person in the billions and only that one. There are probably many people out there that given the right conditions, circumstances, and timing, you’d be happy with for the rest of your life. I know this as I’m 40m and I have been in many relationships, long, short, people I loved dearly, but I’m now engaged to the love OF MY LIFE. Given different circumstances things might have worked out differently with exes. That didn’t happen, and I’m glad it didn’t, as I wouldn’t have met my fiance.
That’s the truth about life though. If you jade yourself I to thinking anything else that’s on you.
Focus on the now, not the past. You’re together now, amd that’s literally all that matters. If he talked about her all the time or anything else I’d say it might be a possible issue, but he hasn’t. SO leave it be.
So, if she had still liked him and they had had a good relationship they would still be together. Yes, of course. But if she had still liked him and their relationship had been good, she would have been a different person. There is obviously some hypothetical person you can create who would be really compatible with and suitable for your partner. But the person in your mind you feel insecure about is one that you know does not exist. There is no version of him that maintained feelings for him and wanted to stay together and work through their issues together. That one threat you are afraid of is the one threat you know with 100% certainty does not exist.
Take a minute and understand he essentially confided to you that his last relationship ended by him being unloved, who wants to admit that? What he later admitted to was ‘she lost interest in me’ which can easily turn in one’s head to ‘I wasn’t good enough’.
You are coming at this from an insecurity mindset. That someone better may come along and your bf will leave you for her. If your bf had the same irrational fears in his head he’d be going crazy about how eventually you’re going to become uninterested in him and leave him.
He values being with someone who wants to be with him. Are you compassionate, loyal and value your connection with him?
How: stop measuring her intangibles (prettier, smatter, funnier), when that impulse pops up replace it with noticing the things you like about him (his personality, character, your attraction to him). Round that out noting how foolish she is and it’s her stupid loss for allowing herself to drift away from such a great guy.