This whole story was back in December
For context, we are together for 4 years, this last few months we were having a rough patch in our relationship, feeling some distance between us and that the relationship fall in a routine.
Back in December my gf had the end-of-year trip at her work, so they went for a whole weekend to the state where the company is based. This trip mas made the year before so i didn’t thought anything weird about it.
During this trip we were talking normally, of course she took her time to respond but i found it normal given that she is enjoying the trip. That Saturday night she went out with coworkers from the whole company (some of them she meet in this trip). Next day is what gave me a strange feeling, she was distant in her responses, sometimes it feel like she didn’t even want to talk to me, so i knew we would have an important discussion when she came back home.
After she came back from the trip, she was visibly distant to me, we had plans for meeting at my place that night but she said that preferred to stay at her place with her family, i was ok with it because didn’t want to be pushy about it. That same afternoon we were talking over WhatsApp and she tells that she wants to tell me something but its not sure about it.
Next day, after a rough night thinking about our last conversation i picked her up at her house, we went on a date and came back to her place to spend the night together. When we were in the bed talking she starts crying and ask me for forgiveness for what she is about tell me, during the company trip she met a male coworker who she found attractive and while they were having a conversation at the club that Saturday night it became obvious that there was an strong chemistry between them, she told me that nothing happened, but at some point she felt “frustrated” about not being able to act on it because of our relationship. After this i felt really bad and ugly, up to the point to putting my clothes back on, don’t know why. After some crying in both sides, we started talking about it and she tells me that they followed each other on Instagram (as she did with most of the people she met at this trip) and had a brief conversation that he started, she told me that it was meaningless an to not think about it.
Later on that night, she tells me that this whole experience convinced her that she wants a “free-pass” open-relationship, which is something she already bring up to conversation a few times during the relationship, i always said that i don’t know if i wanted to but maybe i would be ok for us to give it a try in the future. The thing that strikes me the most was that this time, she put it in a sort-of ultimatum, saying that she already asked for it and that now that she found this guy she wanted to have sex with, she wants to give it a try and it has to be him because she didn’t feel this way with any guy other than me in the last 4 years (i believe this given how she feels about sex-attraction). And if i didn’t agree to this arrangement, she would start growing resentment against me. After long talking we decided to start working on our relationship before taking any other step on any direction (monogamous or not).
A few days after we talked about this topic again and now she tells me that during that Instagram conversation he told her something like “too bad it didn’t happen, i know you wouldn’t cheat on your boyfriend”, idk the exact wording because she refused to show any messages nor this guy’s ig, saying that if we don’t go open she has the right to keep his identity private in case we split up and that she doesn’t want me to feel insecure. I was angry about this, because as a guy i know how difficult is to feel confident enough with a woman to say that to her, so i believe their conversations weren’t so innocent. She told me that maybe subconsciously she didn’t break things off with him because she liked his attention and the possibility of being sexual with him in a future. After all of this i told her i needed a break and that didn’t want to have contact for a few days.
The next day she talks to me and says she’s sorry about how she handle the situation with her coworker and that he meant nothing to her, that if we ever go open its ok if i don’t want her to be with this guy, that I’m her priority above everything else and that she wants us to work on our relationship. I forgave her and move on, saying to her that we will discuss the open-relationship topic later on, given all the mental stress i was having at the moment because of a new work and exams at college.
After all this mess i started therapy because i realized that i have some social anxiety and problems with my self-esteem. A few sessions in and I’m having second thoughts about it, i understand that monogamy its something highly impractical, and i understand the excitement of a new partner because i felt that way a few times and that makes me want to try non-monogamous one day.
But i cant stop thinking about the way my gf approached this situation, putting myself in that rough spot giving an ultimatum, being secretive about her conversations with this coworker, I’ve never feel distrustful about my gf, but this whole thing made me feel insecure about her version of the story. I feel like i was being manipulated into accepting an arrangement without enough information about her acts and that angers me and makes me sad, because we always worked on this trust, that made us be able to talk about anything between us.
At this point there’s a part of me wanting to give non-monogamous a try and see what happens (ofc not with this guy), but sometimes i feel like I’m trying to win some time to be in a better place mentally to break up with her. What would the best approach to this situation?
I talked to a friend and he told me to break up asap to start working on myself. Wanted a second opinion but most of my friends are related to my gf and i dont want them to think bad about her.
Sorry for any miss spelling, English is not my first language.
TLDR: Gf felt sexually attracted to a coworker and give me a sort-of ultimatum asking for a free pass. After that she were secretive about the conversation they had on ig. I’m having second thoughts about non monogamy but didn’t like the way she approached any of this.
28 comments
Dude run the fuck away. Like right now. This has all sorts of bad news written all over it.
Dump her. She’s not into you, man… and she’s more than open to other male attention.
I also don’t buy her story at all that nothing happened with this dude… or other dudes.
I’m an old happily married dude, and one way I got to be that guy was by walking away from relationships with people that behave like this.
And this is why you don’t date a coworker. When things go south it doesn’t just mess up the relationship.
She practically admitted to cheating on you.
And now she’s telling you that she’s going to continue it, regardless if you approve or not.
These are the type of people you run away from. They will fuck up your mental headspace long term.
Please for the love of God dump her.
This is not how a healthy open relationship starts, at ALL. Your girlfriend is treating you terribly, and has already cheated on you emotionally if not physically (this reads to me like she’s trickle truthing and will eventually admit she had sex with him already). You deserve so much better than her.
Break up and run. This is not the behavior of someone who loves and respects you.
She’s already fractured what trust you previously had for her. Do you think you’ll be able to stay with her without wondering whether or not she’s doing something behind your back or looking at men and regretting she’s in a relationship with you cause she can’t sleep with them?
Life is too short to be stuck with someone who doesn’t make you feel secure and loved and appreciated.
She’s already slept with him and now wants to open up your relationship so she’s free to sleep with him all she wants while keeping you on the side. Dump her. She will only continue to hurt you.
You stay and you have your own self to blame.
I think she slept with him
You don’t have to be serious with someone you’re going to use a condom with and you don’t know how many people you’ve slept with.
you need to find a partner in your own thoughts
her sexual awakening or whatever she calls it should not be your problem.
Give her her pass by dumping her 👍🏻
This is not how to handle ethical nonmonogamy. Maybe that is something you’ll want to explore in the future, but I wouldn’t do it with her. She is behaving in a selfish, immature manner, and I don’t believe that she hasn’t cheated.
As others have said: she has already slept with him and will monkey-branch to him if she can.
Get out. Run.
There is literally zero chance this ends in any positive way for you.
Lol seriously? You want a second opinion on whether it’s ok to let your girlfriend to sleep with someone just because this is the first guy who she’s REALLY wanted to sleep with besides you? WAKE. UP. Stop being a doormat.
I stopped reading halfway through. You honestly cannot be this gullible.
game over dude.
the machine is on, you won’t stop it.
she want to cheat badly. she won’t wait your authorisation for long.
Your gf is garbage, throw her into the dumpster for life.
M8, they probably already slept together. And this is his idea for to keeo doing it without her feeling guilty about it.
She pretty much is telling you she is gonna cheat, no matter what you think.
Dump her and let her enjoy her co-worker, once she want a relationship and not just sex, she will come back crawling and saying the same excuses cheaters use. Break up and block her on everything, cheers.
she’s asking for you to open the relationship because she’s already slept with him. theres 2 reasons she won’t show you their chat 1, you will see she’s cheated 2, he doesn’t know about you and she knows there’s a good chance you would contact him.
kick this skank to the gutter where she belongs. then continue to work on yourself.
If my partner was ever frustrated I was getting in the way of her hooking up with other people, I would make it real easy for her and dump her monkey ass, tbh.
I’m no one’s option. One and only, or out.
> The thing that strikes me the most was that this time, she put it in a sort-of ultimatum, saying that she already asked for it and that now that she found this guy she wanted to have sex with, she wants to give it a try and it has to be him because she didn’t feel this way with any guy other than me in the last 4 years
She has found the potential candidate for her to monkey branch, however she isn’t sure if that’ll work, so she wants to keep you around.
> he meant nothing to her, that if we ever go open its ok if i don’t want her to be with this guy, that I’m her priority above everything else and that she wants us to work on our relationship.
Sorry, but you aren’t a priority, you’re a convenience that she doesn’t wanna lose. She has been prioritising that guy over you or else she would have been completely honest with you. Next time you see her, ask her that if she considers you as the priority then to show you the messages with that guy right then and there, she won’t and that is a clear indicator that there is more to what she has been telling you.
Leave this relationship as you both have different mindsets about the relationship and monogamy.
>I understand that monogamy is something that is highly impractical
What?? That’s a pretty big leap.
Your gf wants to fuck someone else. And not just because she wants an open relationship. She just wants to fuck this one guy. Well, at least for now.
And wow – they have such amazing chemistry! Doesn’t that make you feel secure that she’s being super truthful and doesn’t that make you feel great??? /s
So ask yourself, can you be in a relationship with her while she goes and fucks him and builds a relationship with him?
Your old relationship is effectively dead. It died the moment she approached you. You know this isn’t some philosophical ethical non-monogamy she is approaching with. She is trying to convince herself she’s been faithful by manipulating you like this. It’s not ok or fair to do that to a partner.
Let her go fuck this fuckboy. But let her know she will be single when she does it. Don’t wait around to see if she wants him more or less than how much she wants you.
Breakup, I bet she has already cheated!! Opening a relationship is BS, dump her!!
Lol that fact that you sat there and entertained that conversation at all is wild
Sorry man, it’s over
It isn’t a free pass. It’s a full-on affair. The evidence for this is:
– how she is distancing herself from you
– how she never felt this way about any other guy (other than you), so clearly this is something special.
– She LIED to you when she came back and said he meant nothing to her. That’s a direct contradiction of what she already told you. They can’t both be true, so one of them has to be a lie. It’s obvious which is the lie and which is backpedaling.
– the way she’s willing to make an ultimatum
– how she is prioritizing him over you by refusing to disclose who it is.
She cares about him more than she cares about you. Tell her she has her hall pass, because it’s permanent. Pack her stuff and leave it on the porch. You want to give nonmonogamy a try? Do it by being single. You can be unserious with as many as you want. And you can do so much better thsn this one.
Trickle truth. She has already done it, just slowly letting it out
Dude, you need to drop this chick. She is gonna get her freak on with or without your consent and likely already has. I doubt there is anything she has to offer that you can’t find elsewhere with less drama or sleepless nights
She is going to cheat if she hasnt already. Time to move on. If she loves u she’d be with u not asking for a fuck pass