For example: I had a fantastic date with a guy last weekend and we were both very excited to see each other again. As we were leaving he said he wants to see me again and I replied that I’m free on Saturday. He agreed that Saturday worked and said he’d let me know what the plan will be, he texted on Monday saying something along the lines of ‘can’t wait to see you on Saturday I’ll let you know what the plan is.’
Now it’s Thursday afternoon and there’s no plan in place still. I’m on the apps and plural dating (not enough dates with anyone to decide to invest my full attention in them yet) and someone else asked if they can take me to dinner Saturday night. I’d really like to go, this guy isn’t available again until mid next week.
If you were in my shoes would you agree to the new date? (And tell the first guy that something came up and you can’t do Saturday any more) Or would you continue to reserve Saturday for the first guy even though there’s no plan in place and risk having nothing to do?
Update: texted the first guy to ask about Saturday plans before agreeing to anything else
35 comments
If it were me & I liked the first guy enough I’d tell him that something came up for my evening but that I’d love to do a brunch date or something similar in the AM.
I would text guy #1 just being like hey, did we decide anything for Saturday? And if he doesn’t respond in a timely manner I would confirm the dinner with the other guy.
Just ask him if you’re still on for Saturday? Like you said, it’s already Thursday so it’s a reasonable question that doesn’t come off as pushy or needy. It wouldn’t be fair if you reserve a day just for him to cancel last minute.
I would ask the guy you’ve committed to Saturday what the plan is. If he doesn’t respond by tomorrow then I think you’re free to go out with dude 2.
I 2nd swancandle’s comment. Be a little more active in your dating. I know you said he would let you know but it doesn’t (or, shouldn’t, at least) hurt to message him “hey, just wanted to check if we’re still on for Saturday so I can plan accordingly.” If he’s into you it shouldn’t be before the end of the day before he gets back to you.
More generally, I’ll hold a day for tentative plans. And as I said, if something comes up closer to that day I’ll double check, especially if it’s a weekend.
If it’s just a matter of having not heard from them I have no problem waiting until the day of and if they bail I move on and figure something out for the night. It’s no big deal to have a night to do whatever I’d like.
If it were me, I would make time for the second. Chances are the 1st guy won’t follow through and now you’ve missed out on two dates. I frankly find it rude when people keep you on hold like that. It’s not respectful of your time.
But I also agree with the other comments, that you can ask the 1st guy for a time and if he doesn’t respond in a short amount time, go out with the 2nd.
I don’t ear mark time for new people unless details are ironed out ahead of time. *But* I articulate that when they ask so there’s no accidental misunderstanding. I would recommend doing that in the future so you don’t end up in the lurch like this again.
At this point I think it’s fine to say “hey what’s the plan for Saturday? Lunch? I’m trying to iron out of my weekend schedule.” Steer it to what you want. It’s unreasonable for them to expect to have claim over your entire day.
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I wouldn’t hold an entire day for tentative plans. You should send a text the first guy and ask what the plan is. If he doesn’t respond by the end of the day, tell the other guy yes to dinner. If the first guy comes back, let him know you are only available during the day or that you never heard back from him so you made other plans.
It’s a bit much to expect someone to hold an entire day open especially on a weekend. The only thing that holds plans for me is a confirmed day, time and place.
The simplest answer? Text him.
Some of the other answers in here, oof.
I had two dates scheduled for one day when i was not busy with work or school. Had a brunch date with one guy and went out for dinner with someone else. Reach out to guy 1 and tell him you want to either cancel or guve him the times u are available that day.
I’d say it depends on the last few days. If Guy 1 has been no or limited contact since that first date and/or hasn’t brought up that you have plans since, I’d say you’re free to make your plans with Guy 2. If Guy 1 comes back last minute you can say something to the effect of “I’m sorry but I hadn’t heard from you and now my evening looks busy – I could do XYZ date/time if that works?”
If Guy 1 has established in the last 24 hours or so (especially if you’ve acknowledged) that he’s intending to see you Saturday and just hasn’t given you clear details of what he wants to do… I’d say you’re committed to Guy 1 and hoping for the best. Unless the uncertainty has left you indifferent to seeing him again at all.
Ultimately the question I’d ask would be how you’d feel being on the other side of this debate – if you were the one making plans and you reached out to be told the person is no longer available. If you can understand that decision based on the way you handled everything before that, it’s probably fine to sleep at night.
If I were in your shoes, I’d schedule a Saturday evening date with guy #2. And I’d send a text to guy #1 and be like “hey! I’m free Saturday afternoon, would you be interested in getting together then?”
I don’t consider anything to be “on my calendar” until a day, time, and place has been agreed upon. Up to that point, I’m free to schedule things with other people.
No plan, no date.
If he was trying to be romantic, well, this ain’t it.
Plan doesn’t need to be a full itinerary, but at least something more concrete than “I’ll let you know then”
I’ve been dealing with similar logistical issues in dating. It can be tough deciding when you have limited free time! I’ve asked myself these questions:
1) how has the communication been since meeting Person A? is he acting invested in getting to know me or make plans to see me again? or has he been distant/different than before we met?
2) based on what I know about each person, which one is more compatible with my actual dating goals?
3) am I more excited about seeing Person A again or meeting Person B? kind of a gut feeling check!
Nope he needs to let me know specific information about the date details or else I’ll schedule other plans.
I would think it’s very bad form to agree to the new date without running it by the first guy. For all you know he could text you with a plan this evening or early tomorrow. What if he reached out with a plan later this evening..then you would just tell him ‘sorry I’ve made other plans because you did not get back to me with two days notice and I didn’t think to let you know’? If I was in his shoes then I’d burn your number without much thought and that would be the last you heard from me.
But if he hasn’t got back by Friday night then I would think it’s fine to go make other plans or at least reach out to him for clarification. Ideally do that this evening, giving you time to make plans with guy 2. You should not have to do that but everyone deserves at least one free pass.
And honestly, surely you could wait until mid next week for guy 2 if you had such a ‘fantastic’ date with guy one. This is one of the issues with OLD – everyone so quick to move on to the next thing like some sort of dating ADHD. After all, guy 2 may not even want to go on a second date with you (or you with him)!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my own OLD it’s to be thankful for and respectful of the good things you have and to try and keep the dating ADHD in check. Because the grass is rarely greener with the next person.
Ok, so it’s been four days and he’s not set up a date? Sounds like you’re his backup plan. If guy one comes back then just say you made other plans because you thought he’d probably reconsidered. Then offer to go out with him Saturday afternoon or Sunday afternoon. The weekend is a long time! Good luck with your date(s)
Yea, definitely ask him what the plan is. If you bail on him you might as well kiss your chances with this goodbye.
I would have said yes to someone actually making solid plans and then told the other guy “I’m free until X time on Saturday” if he asked.
I’m fine with reserving a day, but generally I’m in contact about what their availability is, and some potential date ideas. On a date, when setting something up for a followup date, I might say something like “what does your Saturday look like?” But then would be in touch at least by Wednesday.
Why can’t you just book two dates in one day? Just make sure the times aren’t overlapping? You don’t even technically need to disclose that you are busy or whatever you are doing with the other date because it’s very early in the process. But try to ask which times work for each person on Saturday and figure the best time to pin it at and go from there. Good luck!
No plans means the day isn’t reserved. I have a busy schedule, so I don’t make plans based on possibility. My schedule is very strict, so if I’ve set aside a day for a date, I need to know that you its definite, barring unforseen circumstances and emergencies.
I would have no shame in texting “hey I hope you’re having a good week, just checking in to find out the plan for Saturday, as there are a few other things popping up for the weekend that I’m trying to plan around x”
Goodness gracious y’all are ridiculous. You agreed to Saturday and he booked and said plan was incoming. He has until Friday mid day to give you the time for the date.
I guess the date wasn’t so fantastic if this is what’s on your mind
Ask Guy 1 what he has planned
If you don’t like it, ask Guy 2.
“I had a fantastic first date.”
“I don’t want to invest my full attention to anyone.”
Pick one.
I used to make and arrange plans well ahead of time. But I got so many flakes and ghosts that I stopped doing it. It got frustrating to book reservations, rent cars, coordinate with the weather, etc etc just to have someone go silent the day before or suddenly say they’re not available.
Now I “reserve” a day and make a plan the day before. I find if she’s that interested in seeing me she’ll hold the day and be keen to do whatever as long as it’s with me. If she’s not interested enough in me she won’t hold the day and will just make plans with someone else, which avoids wasting my time.
If we’ve been seeing each other for a while I’ll plan in advance
Oh NO, not mid-next week! /s
Give first guy a chance to follow through on his promise of a Saturday together, and plan a mid next week dinner with guy 2.
It’s Thursday, be less available to guy 2, and give guy 1 a chance to live up to the promise of him planning a whole day.
No – that’s basically relationship territory, so unless we are in a relationship, I try to get the date details zeroed in on as much as possible. Especially if this is early on in the dating.
Just ask guy one to solidify plans. If he won’t then call it a flake and make plans with second guy. Communication is always key.
I would book the dinner with guy 2 and tell guy one what the plan is and that btw you’re available in the afternoon only now
The folks in the comments that are recommending to burn this guy more than two days out from his proposed date without checking in with him first are a large part of what’s wrong with OLD. You all know how first dates go, right? Do you really think guy number two is going to be better than the admittedly fantastic date she had with guy number one? On the balance of probabilities, absolutely not. And at that point, your advice will (or at least should) have lost her another chance with guy number one.
In the end, this ADHD dating mentality bullshit, seldom giving anyone a chance and always moving on to the next, only ends up biting every one of us in the ass, male and female.