I (28F) think my brother (33M) is gay and he is in love with my husband (34M) (his best friend) how should I confront him?
My (28F) brother (33M) and my husband (34M) have been friends since they were both babies, and I said “were” because they are no longer friends. Their friendship ended eight years ago when I started dating his best friend (my now husband). We told him that we were struggling for a while to hide what we felt for each other but that we couldn’t hide it anymore. We told him directly that we were in love and that we wanted to try to have a relationship, that it wouldn’t change their friendship at all, but he didn’t care and he’s hated us ever since.
My husband talked to him thousands of times but he simply refuses to listen to him, I also tried to talk to him but he only tells me that he hates me for betraying him, I even apologized for falling in love with his best friend and for not having been able to fall in love with someone else, but he never forgave me. Now we only see each other at family parties and that’s it, he didn’t attend our wedding and didn’t want to meet our children (6F, 4F, 2F) when they were born either, so you can imagine how much he hates me.
A few days ago we celebrated our mom’s (62F) birthday and after cutting the cake she opened her gifts, and one of those gifts was an album of the most important moments of all her children and grandchildren (something that for some reason she asked for a few months ago) And she was so happy with the album that she started looking at all the photos and showing them to the guests while remembering when she took each photo of us, her children.
In that album there were photos of my brother with my husband at their high school graduation and when my brother saw them he said something like “what a nice picture, no one would suspect that you would fuck my little sister a few years later”, my sister (31F) told him to shut up that he was being rude but he didn’t stop and kept looking at the photos to say things that nobody wanted to hear, so I got tired and asked him to leave my house (we celebrate the party at my house because my mom’s house is being renovated) I told him that he was being rude and inconsiderate with our mother, that I didn’t want him there. And of course he stormed off and now he thinks that the villain of the movie is me. And the worst thing is that one of our sisters (36F) thinks the same thing, because she thinks that I should have kept quiet since it’s my fault that he’s like that.
I never thought that he could be gay or bi who knows, but a few days ago I posted in another sub and the comments made me think that maybe he is. I’m not gonna lie I suspected it many times when I saw how affectionate and possessive he was with my husband. Like, my husband had a few girlfriends before me and my brother hated ALL OF THEM, but I thought it was just jealousy because he didn’t spend as much time with him. But now if I think about it, it does look weird, he’s in his thirties and he only had a girlfriend when he was twelve or thirteen, he was always possessive of my husband and overly affectionate, which my husband always hated, so maybe it’s true, maybe that’s why he hates me and my kids (that’s what hurts me the most that he really hates them, they want to talk to him when they see him and he doesn’t even speak to them) and maybe that’s why I unconsciously apologized to him, because deep down I knew he was in love with him too I don’t know.
The only thing I know is that my husband says that nothing ever happened between them that they were just friends, that he is straight and that my brother always knew it, that he never did or said anything to make him think otherwise, so I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I just know that I feel enormous guilt, if he’s in love with him I’ll never be able to feel at peace again. The mere fact of thinking that perhaps he is in love with my husband and that he feels that I “stole” him breaks my heart, I just want to be his little sister again and for him to love me as he loved me before, to be a present uncle for my children, and above all I want him to be happy. That’s why I want to talk directly to him and ask him if he’s gay and if he feels or has ever felt anything for my husband. I asked our sister the same thing but she only told me that she doesn’t have to tell me anything, and that made me realize that perhaps all those suspicions are true, but I don’t have a lot of experience in this and I don’t want to hurt him (more if that’s possible) or make him feel uncomfortable. What would be the correct way to confront him? what should i tell him? Should I confront him with my husband or would that make him feel uncomfortable? I’m pregnant and I want to make things right with him, so that this time he can be there for me and his niece like he wasn’t for the others, I really want to make everything right this time.
tl;dr “I (28F) think my brother (33M) is gay and he is in love with my husband (34M) (his best friend) and I want to confront him but I don’t know how”
31 comments
What will you gain by confronting him? I’d be careful. If he has temperament issues, he might turn violent if you suddenly out him… Maybe it’s the writer in me speaking, but I’d be scared to confront my brother just because it’s an ongoing thing and he might snap… Just let it be.
Sounds like your brother needs to go to therapy and resolve the issues he has with himself. Whether he is/was in love with your husband or it was just the shock of “losing” his best friend he needs to open up to a professional that’s gonna guide him on how to move on from those feelings. You should talk to people that are close to him to recommend him that, being that I don’t think he’s gonna listen to you because of all of the resentment.
It’s not your fault OP. You shouldn’t feel guilty for living your own life and falling in love and having kids with your love.
Those are issues your brother has to resolve.
All the best of luck to you
You have nothing to feel guilty or bad about. Your husband is straight. Your brother has to get over it. It’s hard to get over someone you are in love with, but people do it all the time and live their best lives. You didn’t “steal” your husband from your brother. He never belonged to your brother in the first place. Your husband is straight, and if he wanted to find love he would always find it with a woman, not your brother.
Your brother needs therapy and your family needs to stop enabling his immature behavior. You have done nothing to be punished for. Your brother is making his feelings and immaturity your problem. He’s had years and years to work on himself and find his own happiness and he refuses.
If he doesn’t respect you and your family, he doesn’t get to be part of it. If your parents or siblings defend his behavior, they shouldn’t get to be part of your family, either. I mean, really. Is he still going to be doing this in ten years? Twenty? Your kids are young now, are they going to have to deal with decades of stories about how evil you are? Fuck no.
You deserve better and not only that, so does your husband. Your husband has had to put up with a lot of shit and abuse for the crime of not being attracted to men and not being in love with your brother. Your husband is not your brother’s slave. Stand up for him and his right to choose his life partner. He needs people in his corner. It is exhausting to have someone make you out to be the villain for the crime of not being in love with them. It’s so entitled.
If you brother wants love he needs to go out and find it for himself. Until he chooses to do that, he’ll be a miserable, loveless asshole, and that is HIS fault.
Do none of what you’re suggesting. He is hateful and aggressive, and it not only could go horribly, but it also is a) none of your business if he is closeted, and b) doesn’t actually matter.
Instead, you should see a therapist to work through this. (Below quote)
> I just know that I feel enormous guilt, if he’s in love with him I’ll never be able to feel at peace again.
Your brother has tormented the two of you, and your extended family, for years, and has become a hateful and aggressive person. The cause of that anger, after 8 years, no longer matters, and is in no way your fault.
You should speak to a therapist, they will agree with that assessment, that his anger is his own, they will agree that you are not in anyway yo blame, they will point out how your brothers obsession is not on you or your husband to manage, and they will help you to work through your misplaced guilt about it.
OP, I don’t mean to be rude, but I do not think confronting your brother will end well. I think it’s a very bad idea. This is something your brother needs to process on his own, probably with therapy. But you are not someone he is going to want to listen to and suddenly admit his feelings with. If he wanted to fix this with you, he could. He has shown no sign of wanting that.
Absolutely do not confront him about his sexual orientation. Until or unless he chooses to come out to you, it’s none of your business. And frankly I don’t see what difference it makes at this point when you’re married and pregnant. What would it change? How would it make anything right?
He doesn’t want to be part of your life outside necessary family gatherings, so leave him alone.
How long were your brother and husband friends? Because you’re 6 years younger which certainly isn’t a lot now but might have totally creeped your brother out if your husband has known you since you were like 8 and they were 14. He might be grossed out because he feels like his friend should also have seen you as a younger sibling too.
I only point it out because it shows that there are reasons other than being gay that your brother might feel betrayed. I don’t see the value in confronting him over your baseless speculation.
Oh. No. That sucks. If you were going to confront this, probably should have done it before you got married. Imagine being friendzoned by your best friend and then your sister marries them.
Like how is this real man
Gay or not, your brother is an asshat. If you wanna confront him, I’d simply say “I don’t give a flying fuck what your beef is with me and my husband. Get your shit together and keep it to yourself. You’re horribly mean and disrespectful. You’re no brother of mine.”
I’m confused, you say you “never thought he could be gay” until people on reddit pointed it out, but then right in the next sentence you say you’d “suspected it many times”. So which is it?
Even if he was in love with your husband, you couldn’t have stolen someone that wasn’t his. Your husband is straight and loves you. Your if your brother was a sane a decent human being, he’d have moved on by now. This is 100% a him problem and there’s nothing you can do to fix irrational feelings.
People don’t choose who they fall in love with. Stop apologizing. Stop the guilt because it will make you sick. You have a wonderful husband and children. Your brother is a big boy and he needs to shut up and grow up. I wouldn’t give him a fire extinguisher if his arse was on fire. Never reward bad behavior. Brother should not get to benefit from a relationship with your children. He hasn’t earned it. His behavior is shameful at best. He needs to start praying for forgiveness.
Meh, only so much you can do … and your journey is over.
Time to tell the brother tough shit and to move on or you’re cutting him out of your lives.
You are not responsible for your brother’s romantic failures. He is choosing to stay closeted and in love with a straight man rather than dealing with his sexuality and being happy.
I can’t imagine what you’re dealing with but I think you need to just cut contact with him. He only brings toxicity to your life. It’s not fair to you, your husband, or your kids. If he ever gets help and wants to reach out and you want to try to heal it together? Keep the door open. But this is sadly not up to you. Your brother has chosen to live in anger and stew. You can’t change it. He’s hostile towards your family. Go no contact and stop being around him. Stop trying. If you think it would help, get therapy for yourself but it’s clear he is not interested in anything to do with you, I’m sorry again that has to hurt. But you can’t fix him, he’s not willing to. I wish you ask the best.
I saw your other post.
Look your sister just told you all you need to know. If it was not true, she would have said so.
Your brother will never admit it to your face, if you asked him straight out.
There is no making him happy, to be honest. he needs mental help because holding onto this anger towards you both isn’t normal. I also think his inability to come out is affecting him, and I wonder if it’s hidden because everyone would see that is why he treated you both like this.
if anything I would write him a letter, no return name, and don’t tell anyone.
Tell him: That you hate to speculate or guess, but since he has shut you out and his inability to move on from something that happened so long ago, it makes you think its something more. To be blunt is the reason he hates you is because he was in love with your husband, and he is projecting his anger on you, husband, and children because your husband fell in love with you instead of him? That you’re sorry he can’t get over whatever it is, but neither you or your husband are responsible for his feelings. You hope one day he can find someone to open up to that allows him to get his anger out. You hope he can find accountability for where your relationship is now and is able to accept it and live a happy life. That your always here to talk.
The thing is, does it suck that he is a closeted gay? Yes. Does it suck that he is in love with your husband? Yes. But none of that excuses all the years you both and your kids put up with his Bs when you had to. You shouldn’t apologize for the issues he created for himself. He has chosen anger and resentment instead of finding happiness elsewhere.
Please, do not confront him with this. It will make it far worse.
He is an adult. It’s been eight years. He will still not let this go. Sometimes you have to accept you will be the villain in someone else’s story just for exercising your own right to autonomy. Falling in love and having that mutually returned is not something you should have to apologise for nearly a decade later.
This is his issue to work through, you cannot control this situation, you cannot change it, you just have to unfortunately weather it out.
I’m sorry. Family dramas suck.
Your brother is toxic and abusive.
Dont try to help him, it will only serve for him to backstab you.
Go no contact.
It was never and still isn’t your fault or your husband’s, your brother needs to seek therapy or piss off because he’s being very disrespectful and vindictive.
Your brother’s abuse of you and your husband is an issue and since it’s clearly a problem, you should probably make it clear that you don’t want contact with him as long as he’s going to act this way. His sexuality is not your business and it wouldn’t help anything to indulge in further speculating about it, especially since it can lead to you seeing what you want to see that validates the theory and if you act on that and it turns out to be wrong, it’ll make everything worse. If you act on it and it turns out to be right, it could also make things worse since very few people enjoy being outed without their consent, and it’ll look like you’re being just as nosy about his personal life as he is about yours.
I understand that you want to fix things with him, but this is a him problem and you should treat it as such. Tell him his unending abuse is unappreciated and gone on too long and while you want a relationship with him, if he can’t treat you and your husband civilly, then it saddens you that you’ll have to distance yourselves from him. As to whether you should confront him with your husband or how to approach him, discuss that with your husband, you two know him better than any random on Reddit.
Yeah, chiming in on the “don’t .” Your brother isn’t a mature person and it’s not your role to fix that. It’s heartbreaking he won’t be an uncle to his nieces and nephews, but that is the choice he made. He’s been in a narcissistic, self-pitying hole for years – only he can dig himself out. Idk how to stop the enabling sister, but at least you can do what you can to avoid him until he grows the f up.
Your brother is a colossal asshole. He’s harboured resentment way too long, but more importantly, it’s very upsetting and immature that he is taking it out on innocent children. At this point, who cares if he is straight or gay, you’re better off without him in your lives. Sorry OP.
Him being gay is not your concern. You are searching for a solution. But this is not on you to resolve. Your parents should probably have a word with him about his behaviour.
I just started calling out my siblings when they say something mean to me or my other siblings. “That’s not appropriate”, “that’s a fucked up thing to say”, “you could just not say anything, that’s an option”. You can be blunt with them. Others tend to speak up when you don’t let shitty behaviour go unchallenged.
What an awful person and person
Sorry, you think that outing/accusing your brother as gay will somehow improve your relationship?
Wasn’t there a post nearly identical to this not too long ago? Like a day or too. Just saying.
This isn’t something you can confront him and get him to admit.
Your brother may have been in love with your husband a long time ago. But your brother is not in love with your husband now.
Your brother has not been friends with your husband – who never reciprocated those feelings even when they were friends – for eight years.
I was in love with someone once who had an incompatible sexuality to mine. It hurt a lot. I distanced myself from our friendship for a while until I felt like I could handle being near him without feeling desperate and sad. I loved him and I wanted to be with him but because I loved him I wanted him to be happy and to be with someone he was sexually and romantically attracted to. That pressure – of wanting him to have what he wanted and he happy – worked against my feelings. Because when you love someone you don’t want to own them. You want them to find joy and happiness. I couldn’t persist on wanting him to be with me knowing that as much as I wanted that… he’d never be happy in that relationship because he wasn’t sexually or romantically attracted to me!
And do you know what happened? My romantic feelings faded and I fell in love with someone else and he did too and we are both married and we are still friends.
Your brother is not in love with your husband. If he really loved your husband he would not **want your husband to be miserable and unhappy**.
Maybe it would hurt too much to be friends. That is understandable! But spending eight years actively wishing unhappiness on two people he supposedly cared about is not compatible with the theory that he loves your husband. Because you don’t resent and want to ruin the life of someone you love.
Your brother seems to be unhealthily obsessed with your husband. He needs therapy for that. It’s making a lot of people unhappy.
Even if your brother did love your husband at one point, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your husband did not get dibs on a man who wasn’t interested in him. You didn’t have an affair with your brother’s boyfriend. You just fell in love with a family friend as is very common and happens a lot all over the world without causing problems.
I don’t want to be harsh but
Don’t bother. Your brother has major nice guy energy, it’s just not directed at a woman. He’s so wrapped up in his own little world that he still hates both of you 8 years, a marriage, and 3 kids later. Hell he even punishes your CHILDREN because of this even though they are 100% innocent. And he couldn’t keep his trap shut for your mothers birthday. And I imagine he’s been doing stuff like this pretty much at every family event for the past 8 YEARS.
Your brother needs major therapy. Even if he is in love with your husband, and even if you and your husband were never together, your husband is still straight. It’s not your fault and you did not “steal” him.
Just leave him alone